I'll be watching the Oscars this year with a whole new sensibility. And not necessarily in a good way. Because I accidentally happened on a couple of um, specialized web sites and have now seen nude photos of eight of the 2009 Academy Award female nominees. And several of the men too.

How did that happen???

I was only trying to ignore this fever-chills-sneezing-sniffling-cough-headache plague by mindlessly surfing for Oscar news and tidbits.  Suddenly I found myself staring at a headline:

2009’s Oscar nominees: What if Celebrity Nudity Database.com picked the winners?

HUH?

I had landed on a site called The AV Club dot com. Wait, aren't AV clubs where geeks and nerds hang out? So, WTF?

Then I remembered an important life lesson I learned from the movie Revenge of the Nerds: geeks and nerds spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about sex. And looking at pictures.

Fine. Whatever. Forget the nerds. I was missing the big picture: Celebrity Nudity Database dot com?? Maybe I was delirious? Nope. Celebrity. Nudity. Database. Dot. Com. It really does exist. Extensively. 

Of course I had to take a peek.

EEK!

 
Okay, the eek really happened when I clicked on Kate Winslet's name and came face to chest with breasts. That was because I'd been redirected to MrSkin.com. Where there are breasts aplenty.

    

WHOA! MrSkin.com? Stand by, we'll get to that in a minute.

In the interest of journalistic integrity I decided to soldier on. Really, I did this for you. Full disclosure, so to speak. 

Not only is cndb.com real, it contains a fullsome database of every known celebrity on the planet. Carefully catalogues every film in which they've appeared nude, from what angle and how many times.

Its users rate the quality of the nudity as well as the amount available to the viewer. 

       
Reviewer comment on Angelina Jolie: "We see her mostly from the waist up but it's hard to really see anything except cleavage because she covers her boobs with her arms."

In the interest of equal time, a comment on Sean Penn in Milk: "nice tushy slap."

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Nor could I make up MrSkin.com, a much sleazier site with so much full frontal and uh, rear-al that I needed to go wash out my eyes with Listerine.

I'm not a prude and of course the nude human body is natural and beautiful, but really, even for art there is such a thing as way TMI.

I kept wondering why we can't be satisfied with tasteful nudity that belongs in the story but leaves something to the imagination.

Nope. Graphic nudity and violence are trending even higher in our 21st Century evolved culture. Though Kate Winslet claims she's getting off the nudity train, it's already left the station and has stops all over the web. She's not alone.

Plus, if you want to get technical, Oscar himself is a great big solid gold nude.

 

Oh, FYI, just like real Oscar winners, nudity winners are often chosen based on their body of work (did I really say that?), recent setbacks or glorious past performances. 

And on MrSkin.com, the comments are predictably more graphic.

Commenter on the 1989 movie Francesco: "Mickey has a few rear and frontal scenes while running through snow. Nice size, especially since the weather had to be cold."

Not gonna show that photo, I took a very quick look, then averted my eyes. There's not enough Listerine or Nyquil in the world....

Jeez. I'm going to have serious nightmares.

Marissa Tomei gets career props: "Her body is tight and she's no longer afraid to show it."

The comments cover size, shape, bounce factor; length, breadth, lift factor ... you get the point. It's a veritable Breasts & Penis Festivus. And I was getting nauseous.

Then I was saved by the best comment of all, hands down: "ty for reminding me why I'm gay."

If you want to take odds on the winners based on nudity quotient, I've given you the bread crumbs. Now you're on your own.

Oh, and about that graphic at the top, no way I'm embedding the video, even in my impaired state, but if you Must see it, here's the link. 

Well, yeah, I added some more nudes. If I have to watch with these in mind, so do you!