I'd already written this last week when I got scooped by my secret sister Verbal with her hilarious post I'll Show You Mine if You Show Me Yours. I was going to 86 it, but it's a different take and includes naked breasts, so WTH, here it is as originally written.
"We all live every day in virtual environments, defined by our ideas." Michael Crichton
Sue me, I'm a girl. I played with dolls. I also threw balls and rode bikes and climbed trees, but (after reading), playing dress-up was my favorite escape. I had a family of dolls that I'd dress and redress and undress... well, that's another story.
When I discovered some years ago I could do the same thing online, I admit I went a little crazy.
(Just FYI, I previewed the prototype of Second Life for AOL in early 2000. I thought it was creepy then and it's even creepier now).
Yahoo Avatars
My friends and I went on a spree of dressing and locating ourselves and shooting Yahoo mails to each other with clever captions. But as any fool can plainly see, it gets old fast.
Yahoo avatars are basically paper dolls, stick figures, make-believe one-dimensional losers of the worst online kind.
Once I figured that out I calmed down and found some better ones. And now I'm ready to share my slightly depraved but handy little secrets with you.
It's amazing what companies will do to promote online commerce. And what we will do to accommodate them.
Virtual Model
Take for example the images of me up here. Well, not the actual me, the Virtual Me. More specifically, my Land's End Virtual Model.™ It helps me shop online by letting me play with clothes on a Barbie-like version of myself.
I created my first Virtual Model (the one on the left) years ago on their old software. Recently I made a new model and added my longer, lighter hair (as if that matters..)
I like the original one better. More realistic body and boobage. The new undies are too bland, the body less human.
So the tool isn't much improved, but my new model is still fairly accurate, at least size-wise. (No knee and shoulder surgery scars, no freckles and Ahem, a little less perkiness and a few more signs of time.)
I have fun trying on clothes and bathing suits in the privacy of my Virtual Dressing Room. My model turns a full 360 and hooboy, the back view is way better here than anywhere else.
And okay, let's face it, the whole Virtual Model is a lot more Babe than Real Woman, whether you click the "Mature" button or not.
I've bought a few things based on my Virtual Model, though. Almost everything fit as well on the real me as it did on my virtual self. Not sayin' it looks quite the same, if ya know what I mean...
Virtual Face
When I found framesdirect.com, I was in glasses heaven, clicking try on eyeglasses like mad. To me, glasses are "face jewelry." They can enhance, conceal, even change your appearance. I'm always on the lookout for a new, unique pair.
You can upload your own picture, but it has to be a full face 5 x 7 close-up or you get some hilariously out of whack results. That's a model up there, younger, not my heart-shaped face. Well, yeah, you knew that.
The site's software helps determine the shape of your face, even the placement of your eyes, and then suggests the most flattering frames. You can try a variety of styles, designers, shapes, sizes and colors on your picture, then order online.
The only problem I have is you can't predict the comfort factor.
Speaking of the comfort factor...
Virtual Bounce-Ometer™ -- The One You've Been Waiting For
This site takes virtual bodies to the very edge of good taste. Actually, it drop-kicks taste right over the line.
The Shock Absorber web site from the UK aims to sell women a state of the art exercise bra -- by showing us naked bouncing breasts. The intro tries to scare the hell out of you with claims that exercising can badly damage your breasts.
If you want to get down to business, go directly to the BounceOmeter button at the bottem left. If you don't want to be scared silly, click on Skip to end the Intro.
Pay dirt. Click on your breast size, then activity level and Viola! The Bounce-Ometer projects a pair of naked virtual breasts bouncing along at your exercise speed, customized to your very own cup size, from A to G. You get a side view too.
(PS to Verbal: If only we could move these customized breasts over to our Virtual Models).
Now that the men are clicking furiously to see all the bouncing boobs (The Husband was mesmerized), I want to warn you, Ladies, it's a bit painful to watch.
As seen above in my cup size you're shown three views from the waist up: No Bra, Normal Bra and Shock Absorber bra.
But get this: no matter what size, every single pair of breasts is perfectly shaped and riding high. Right. Who are they kidding? Are they marketing to 18-year-old models or to women with real-life, lived-in breasts which truly need support?
It's legitimate commerce of course, just European-style, with the customary edginess we lack in puritanical America. On the other hand, I'm not sure how effective it is.
I'd personally be more convinced by video of a real woman running bounce-free in a real Shock Absorber bra -- most of us already know the uncomfortable alternatives.
But hey, here in the Virtual World we can all be the Barbies of our dreams.
BONUS: Body Factoids
* It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
* One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.
* The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
* Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
* A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
* There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
* Women blink twice as often as men.
* The average person's skin weighs twice as much as his/her brain.
* Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you're standing still.
* If saliva cannot dissolve something, you can't taste it.
* Women will have read this list to the end.
* Men are still busy measuring their thumbs.
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Max Rivlin-Nadler
drlaura2
Kristina Lakes
mhold
L in the Southeast
Jane Brogan
Salon.com
Comments
I just want to know how your real feet compare to your virtual feet.
Jeez Bill, I know the rumor (and have been there), but 33 times??? And if you watch them in motion, you'll see they are C's.
OES, not you too???
Lonnie, you'll soon see...
I'll be back, y'all.
And please remember, the SS Margaritaville is a fake-boob free zone.
:)
Say no to jogging! Hurts even with a bra!
The good news: yes, I do. The not so good news: it's in my bottom dresser drawer.
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
~~~Karin, pain's what I'm talkin about.
~~~psychomama, the waist is ridiculous, only the tiny have that look and probably from having ribs removed.
~~~Tom, I love the idea of monkey fingers, but aren't they very narrow? We need to ask a pro..
~~~To all the guys who enjoyed this, you're quite welcome. Did you find it as mesmerizing as my husband did?
~~~Verbal dear, I held this back anyway because of Passover and Easter (I do have some scruples), but yours was much funnier anyway. As I said, a different um, slant...
~~~Cathy, Professor, I've always thought leaving something to the imagination was better. And those boobs, wowie zowie, leave nothing.
~~~Zuma, I don't think I'll ever be able to look at a man's thumbs the same way again.
~~~I.C. you will be punished for such blatant male chauvinism... unless of course, you like punishment...
~~~Steve, just take a few deep breaths..
~~~Bryan, you made me spit Sprite, you naughty boy!
~~~Beth, out of this whole post, you're right, the thumb was the meat... um, so to speak.
Hey, you cheated, you BOLDED the part about the thumb.
So, lemme get this straight, if I THUMB this post then I'm really giving you a third of a penis?
* If saliva cannot dissolve something, you can't taste it.
Because I can taste metal if I lick it and those wooden tongue depressors have a definite flavor, too!
We get to measure past the entire joint on this thumb estimate, right? I mean, maybe I'm the exception to the rule.