"I go from exasperation to a state of collapse, then I recover and go from prostration to Fury, so that my average state is one of being annoyed." Gustave Flaubert
I'm having a bad week. It's not your fault. In fact, if you're anything like me, you're probably having a bad week too. It's ranting time. I'm choking on a cloud of free-floating hostility and I've got to vent. Clearly, if I don't get a few things off my chest my head will explode.
Yes, I know I've mixed my metaphors but I. DON'T. CARE.
I also don't want to kick the cat or take a piece out of Loving Husband, so I'm turning to my faithful companion, The List. Lists are always helpful. They allow you view things logically and objectively, tick things off, one at a time.
Speaking of ticked off ... making lists soothes me. You might call it anal, I prefer oral. Wait, that's another list.
Ahem. Lists provide order to my occasionally chaotic inner world. There, I said it ... sometimes I'm not Ms. Nice-Nice Sweetie-Pie. Sometimes I'm just a regular bitch. (No gasping, please).
I prefer to use lists for Good, but I made this one to catalogue Bad. I am not unburdening my Soul or confessing Sins. I'm just ranting about the flotsam and jetsam of daily life that I can't control and drive me nuts.
So here's a list of things that currently annoy the hell out of me.
1. Bait and Switch emails from classmates.com.
Don't send me a link to the "new" list of people from high school who've signed my guest book ... then tell me I have to pay an "upgrade" to see their names.
I haven't talked to these people for 35 years, there were only 90 in my graduating class and I already know their names. If they want to contact me they can use the school's web site, or Goggle.
2. Buying food through a window (except Pat's steaks in Philly).
Hint: talking to a mechanical clown does not bode well for epicurean expectations. Nor do someone else's car fumes enhance the appetite.
I'm not trashing people who can't afford higher end dining. I am suggesting there are low price restaurant alternatives which serve the palate, the pocketbook and the family dynamic a lot better than eating and tossing soggy french fries around the car.
3. Teenage boys having sex with their hot, young teachers.
It's reprehensible adult behavior. Women who need validation through sexual congress with teenage boys shouldn't be teaching them anything, especially sex.
On the other hand, settle down, people. If the boys are 16 or older, many have had sex already, plus they can be arrested and tried as adults for crimes. So they can certainly handle some TILF nooky without permanent brain damage.
I remember my son's high school years well. He and most men today would have a better description for those kids: lucky bastards.
4. The Starbucks cult.
When I hear you order a "decaf grande half soy, half low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot cappuccino with one Sweet-n'-Low," I will not be impressed. I will think you're a pretentious twit. It's coffee, for cryin out loud, not a DNA molecule.
5. Men who collect baseball cards.
If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of other grown men. You decide.
6. "Sculptured" eyebrows.
Ladies, here's how much men care about our eyebrows: do we have two of them? That's it. And by the way, if you're over 40, spend more time on your chin. No hetero man wants to snuggle up to Prickly-Faced Honey.
7. Flavored water.
Water is water, period. If it's flavored, it's soda. When you're working out, you should drink plain water. If you want flavored water, pour some bourbon over ice and let it melt. That's flavored water.
8. Pharmacies making me feel like a criminal when buying sinus medicine.
I've been using the same pharmacy for almost 30 years. They know me, they know deeply personal things about me. More than most of my friends.
They clearly know that if I want to buy a box of Advil Allergy Sinus, I am not planning to use it in a meth lab. Sell me the damn pills without causing my head to hurt any more than it already does!
9. Young women with Chinese character tattoos.
They do not make you look spiritual. They make you look like trailer trash. They will not put you in touch with your Inner Oriental Bliss. And they will look even more ridiculous when you're 50. Tattoos are not cool or hip. They're just evidence you have no taste.
10. Competitive eating.
Eating to excess isn't a sport. It's one of the Seven Deadly Sins. Binging and purging is already a life-threatening epidemic, we don't need to ratify self-destructive behavior by showing it on ESPN.
11. Mega M&M's.
Half the fun of eating M&M's is the piece by piece rush. If I'm that hungry for M&Ms, I'll eat half a bag anyway. And if I want a bigger bite of candy, I'll buy a Snickers.
12. Gift registries.
They used to be just for weddings. Now they're for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the lifestyle of Paris Hilton.
13. $2000 baby strollers.
Speaking of Paris Hilton... No baby on the face of the earth needs a stroller with its own mortgage. Buy something safe and sensible for 200 bucks or less and put the rest in your kid's college fund.
He won't give a damn about the cost of his stroller when he's stuck waiting tables to pay for the local community college.
14. Wife Swapping Reality Shows.
Whoever thought of this incredibly inane and really creepy concept needs serious therapy. He or she should be joined by the people who consent to participate.
15. People who drive while talking/texting on cell phones.
You are a serious danger to the rest of us and should be shot.
Bonus: Over-The-Top Spoiled Brats and the parents who create them.
Maybe you've seen this video of a privileged teen freaking out because her birthday car is the "wrong color." All while Dad is trying to placate her. He should'ved turned her over the car's hood and whacked her butt.
Then given the car to her brother.
In case you missed the follow-up, Miss American Brat tells her side of the story. Don't miss this, it's priceless. You will want to kiss your own grounded children with joy and perhaps even buy them something.
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Max Rivlin-Nadler
drlaura2
Kristina Lakes
mhold
L in the Southeast
Jane Brogan
Salon.com
Comments
That sounds like a good idea.
rated
Geico commercials can bite me. I'd never buy their product because I find their commercials SO ANNOYING! I wouldn't mind one once in a while, but the classical radio station I listen to most often plays about 95 of them per day.
Ms "I wanted a blue car" brat, if a red car bothers you THAT much, you desperately need to spend some time living under Taliban law. If nothing else, you'll learn a bit of perspective. It's a car, honey. It drives you around, millions of people would love to have your great, Earthshaking problem. When you're self-supporting, you can buy any bloody color car you want.
People ahead of me in line who pay no attention to the five foot gap between them and the person in line ahead of them can bite me. It's all I can do not to take them by the shoulders and march them forward. We all have to wait in line sometimes; I get that. But when you're IN a line, MOVE FORWARD WITH IT at the appropriate times! Especially if I happen to be behind you.
Telemarketers of all stripes, but especially those who call at eight a.m. on Saturday morning to sell me something I don't want.
Door to door Religious proselytizers. I know where your church is. If I wanted to join it, don't you think I'd have DONE it by now?
And cell phone drivers? If the NRA gets its way and we all go around armed to the teeth, I predict cell-phone drivers will become extinct very quickly. As one of my songs has it -- Hang Up and Drive!!
And speaking of cell phones and driving -- that spoiled rotten little brat will be one of the first to go come the revolution. The car doesn't match the color of my cell phone or my eyes? Are you shittin' me? I'm not a spoiled brat? Right, chickee. Go get a forking job and buy your own car -- any color you like.
And Dad, if the bitch don't want that nice red Saab convert, give it to me. Hell, I'll be you indentured servant for a year -- as long as I don't have to ever listen to you whiny-assed daughter.
Your finger is right on the pulse of this Sally, well done.
Though I have a good but very mean imaginary response to the bratty girl: "You want blue? You want blue?" (Grab her head and smack it against the car) "There you go. BLACK and blue, bitch."
(I know, I know...mean. But I'm that bite me mood too!)
(Oh, and by the way, this is hilarious and superbly written).
Love, love, love this list! Well done...and give us more.
rated. (because I just wanted to put "rated" at the bottom of my comment so someone will want me to bite them.)
I would have told her to get a frickin' job and buy whatever frickin' car she wanted to with her own frickin' money.
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
Loved your list except for ONE TINY little thing (teensy tiny):
Tattoos are not cool or hip. They're just evidence you have no taste.
I think it all depends on the tattoo, the tat's location, and the person sporting it.
Thumbed. And in case anyone was interested, I was NOT one of the lucky bastards. Damn it.
Thanks to all, answering a few:
~~~Cath, too bad you never became a teacher, my son would have loved a little sumpin-sumpin with you. ;)
~~~Dr. Spud, don't hold your breath on that other list....
***TWIT UPDATE***
~~~Lainey, Snopes says it's real and that girl keeps making more vids... Daddy bought her a blue car and told her to sell the red one. Which she did, on ebay, for $9.99.
~~~Leonde, I've always found Flaubert expresses my inner bitch extremely well. As to how I feel, see above...
~~~Shiral, please, I'm not a curmudgeon, i.e. a crusty old white-haired guy with bushy eyebrows. I'm a semi-sexy middle-aged cougarish bitch, k?
Re Religious Proselytizers: A maintenance guy told me yesterday to give my shoulder pain to Jesus. I thanked him and noted that I'm Jewish. He assured me we're all the same and offered me a Jews For Jesus pamphlet from his pocket. Dude came prepared!
~~~**Everybody, read Tom's comment rant here.**
~~~Beth, I thought it, you had the balls to say it, "You want blue?" (Grab her head and smack it against the car) "There you go. BLACK and blue, bitch."
~~~Perseph, knew you'd be on the side of tattoos, and I bet on you they look great. Show David the second video as well, he will kiss the ground his daughter walks on.
~~~Steve, praise on hilarity and writing from you just lowered my hostility and blood pressure. Wait. I need that to write. Bash me, please!
~~~Gus, ditto, see my comment on your rant, we are as one.
~~~dcvdickens, you haven't seen MEGA M&M's? Each M is the size of Tom's thumb. Oh, no, wait, let's don't go there....
~~~Bill, I'm surprised you're on the tattoo team. I mean, well, not to get all political here, but my real dicomfort is about Jews don't --willingly-- do tattoos...
I don't think I could ever bring myself to let someone do that to me. There I would agree with you 1000%. :-D
1. I always click off the bait and switch sites; how do they make money? Does anyone pay??
2. Doesn't all of America buy their food through a window? Isn't that why we're all a bit chubby?
3. Never was lucky enough to have sex with a teacher; most of mine were born in the 19th century, sported blue hair and cat's eye glasses, anyway.
4. I love the slogan: "Friends don't let friends drink Starbucks"
5. Baseball cards? Does anyone do this anymore??? I can't believe it!!!
6. The manicured eyebrows are akin to the anorexic world. Good call.
7. Any water in a plastic bottle is dumb, dumb, dumb. We have the finest water in the world, right out of the tap, and by the way, that's where all the water-in-the-bottle comes from, flavored or not. This could become a diatribe on plastic, chemicals, poisons, garbage....
8. Taking sudafed off the shelf punishes the law-abiding public for the sins of the meth-lab bunch. And does this even work???
9. Big black tattoos that look like gang writing on trash bins. Ed Abbey said tattoos were permanent reminders of a temporary infatuation. Most folks don't read Chinese anyway. Where did this dumb idea come from???
And, No. 15. Besides being dangerous, an inattentive driver on the cell at a stoplight is the one thing that does cause slight road rage in me, an otherwise quite calm person.
15. People who are distracted trying to aim and shoot cell users/texters are a serious danger to the rest of us and should be called/texted on their cell phones and told.
1. Chinese character on my right hip. Birthday gift to myself on my 34th birthday. Symbol =love. Pledge to love myself despite being alone, lonely and ending up old with multiple cats who will eat my carcass when I die. I don't think I look like trailer trash, but then again, I'm not young.
2. Flavored water is my favorite drink, as long as it's calorie free. Why add sugar and calories, I don't know. But my palate likes the favors better than plain. Now where did I put my Skinny Water?
3. Sculptured eyebrows: watch me raised my nice arch to you! I likey lots.
4. Expensive strollers: Guess I shouldn't mention how much Zizi's Orbit Stroller/Infant Seat combo was, huh? No Graco for this diva!
But I will join you in finding a way to destroy Classmates!
I STILL don't want ANYBODY from Philly pissed off at me.
I've heard it's a pretty rough town! (My cousin is the Mayor's Chief of Staff. . .had dinner with her this weekend and she confirms it---don't EVER mess with somebody fro Philly!)
Oops, My mistake. Okay, you're a gem of of semi-sexy middle-aged cougarish bitch, Sally. =o) But all the rest stands.
Tonka.
And the people I hate? They get to the front of the loooong line at the cash register and suddenly remember they wanted that one item from clear in the back of the store, so they send junior after it. So the entire line is stuck there waiting for the kid to retrieve that one item and you know full well that he stopped in the toy isle for one more quick peak at the GI Joes. grrrrrr....
:)
Great list!!!!
What a C.U.N.T. (Can't understand normal thinking) I wonder how she would survive having to decide between life saving medication and live saving food for the table. I'd like to spank her (she's cute!) and slap the shit out of her parents. I'd bet that when she has an orgasm she screams her own name.
That said, The lady in the restaurant yesterday with the two year old can
Mary, I might have to take you up on that. Or spread the love and tag somebody else to do a rant next week.
Kirkland, don't you just love the little "pull up the shirt' gesture as she tells us she's not spoiled, it's just that everything in her room is blue.....
Ralph, maybe you should write next week's rant.
OES, Stim, ok, I won't mess with the booze.
Stacey, "15. People who are distracted trying to aim and shoot cell users/texters are a serious danger to the rest of us and should be called/texted on their cell phones and told." Okay, consider me told.
Teendoc, I could never hate you. And please don't bite me. One of the good things about a day of reflection (read: Internet connection problems) is the lessening of a rant's strength. 1. From what I've seen, you'll never look old, or trashy. 2. A doctor doesn't drink plain water? Oh, the humanity. 3. I should have mentioned it's not so much the eyebrows as it is the obsession with them. You are too busy to be obsessed. 4. Hey, when my kid was little, Graco was hot.
Jess, the Racing Form? I didn't know that was still published.
Roger... you have a cousin in Philly??? Wait, Mayor Nutter's chief of staff is a man. If you were in Philly and didn't call me, I'll..... bite you!
Mrs. M, I wish I'd thought of that line. I don't bake because recipes are too much like chemistry class.
Shirl, agreed. :)
ocular, Surly, Tink, y'all fight among yourselves over next week's rant.
Michael, you know you want McKenzie... she's so hot.. and blue.
WAH, you've raised your son right.
And I went on youtube to find those videos so that I could send them to my parents and remind them that even though I sneaked out, smoked weed, and occasionally lied about my whereabouts in high school, they still did okay with me because I'm not a spoiled little twat. And I found this gem.
Just in case anyone needs an extra dose of mad, or is biting their nails to see whatever happened to poor little clothes/car clashin' MacKenzie, here you go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbPvE7miKpY&feature=related
Rated, twice if it were possible.
Yum!
(I'm too tired to have sex with my students!)