Stories From A Life

Been there. Done that. Writing about it.

Sally Swift

Sally Swift
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA
June 14
VP, Repartee
Swift Retorts
sally: a journey, a venture, an expression of feeling, an outburst, a quip, a wisecrack ... me


Editor’s Pick
MARCH 11, 2010 4:14PM

Size Matters: Does This Penis Make My Ass Look Big?

Rate: 73 Flag

An alarming number of Internet marketers seem to think I want a bigger penis. Well, first, I'm a woman. I haven't got one. Though I guess these maniacal supersize spammers hope I'll pass their messages along to someone who does.

Right. "Here honey, try these penis extension pills."

Any woman who offers her man a penis enlargement product better be ready with some Viagra too. Or a divorce lawyer.

Seriously, I have just got to know ... who buys this snake oil?

Somebody does, because penis enlargers are the most ubiquitous and enterprising email dickheads out there. They pound our inboxes with endless marketing pushes promising longer, stronger, broader, bolder penises.

***Extenze Male Enhancement. Penis Enlargement Pills that work! Try it Risk Free.. 100% Guaranteed***

A few dollars, a few pills and presto, from ineffectual teeny weenie to primo porn star stature in less than a week.

Melissa and Candy and Kiki and all their 976-named friends enter my mailbox several times a day with their siren songs, offering to extend my penis. Yours too.

***Gain amazing erectile length without limpness! Become more confident knowing that you can reach any woman’s G-SPOT.***

There must be a market. Or wait, maybe they're just phishing for big credit cards with little worms as bait?

I think it's both. Read the back of any men's mag or the flashing ads on any site that might be visited by men, it's an all-you-can-beat --er, I mean, EAT-- bratwurst festival. Is it possible men vest that much ego in penis size?

***6 Inches or Less? Dr. Guarantees Minimum 3 Inches in 4 to 6 Weeks.***

Apparently so. Nobody's satisfied. With their bodies, I mean.

Mostly the media spotlight has been on women and our 'body dysmorphic disorders.' Women with big breasts want them smaller. Small-breasted women get implants, or wish for them.

We want to be thinner, tighter, younger. Women look in a mirror and see --or imagine-- every unlovely crease,
wrinkle,  bump, roll, flaw. We nitpick ourselves crazy. We worry about lines. Pores. Fat. Hair everywhere.

Men are different. Well, okay, some care about going bald. Some would like to be taller. But their brains are wired for denial. Oh, yes they are.

When it comes to self-image, there is a major disconnect between a man's eyes and his brain.

Especially middle aged men. They look in a mirror and see the guy they were in high school. Lean and mean. Six-pack abs. Bulging bi's and tri's. A sex machine.

Their eyes don't register bulging guts, moobs, double chins. They don't notice hairy ears or pimply necks, or sagging butts.

In their own mirrors, and minds, they are all James Freakin Dean or Brad Forkin Pitt. 

Except. Bring it up --the subject, I mean-- and apparently most men have a penis complex. Just a little one. Complex, I mean.

  ***Average or Smaller Penis? See it grow 3 inches in 2 weeks! Longer and stronger than ever!***

They joke about it all the time. Always about how big they are. Much bigger than other guys. 'I stuff mine in my sock.' Like that.

No man ever made a joke about having a small penis. Never, not even for the coveted beer-snorting-out-the-nose guy-laugh, would a man denigrate his own hardware.

You think I'm wrong? What's the meanest, lowest, cruellest taunt they use on each other? Jerkwad? Asswipe? Mofo? You know many more. Some dripping with actual cruelty.

Their pride-bending effect? Zip. Water dripping off a duck's back.

What is truly the worst name a guy can be called (which, by the way, sounds to us the most benign)? Pencil dick. Oh yeah. You know I'm right. Stick that knife in and twist. It's killer.

They've been checking each other out in locker rooms since puberty. A venue most will tell you is unfair. It's cold in there. Some unfurl to greater size. 'Uh, I was standing next to Big Woody.'

Aside from a very few unfortunate medical anomalies, it's never about size. If you have an adult penis, we care that you're grown up enough to know how to use it. For our pleasure, I mean.

***Increases sexual desire and improves performance & endurance! Give that failing marriage a new and healthy sex life.***

Size alone will never accomplish that goal. If you need a unit of measurement, stop thinking in inches. Start thinking in minutes. Hours even.

We tell you over and over, it's about the whole package. The totality of the lovemaking undertaking. Leisurely foreplay, clever lips, experienced fingertips, the desire to learn, to discover, to please. To give and take.

We really do want those subtleties. That kind of attention to detail. Most of all, best of all, we want a man who wants us. Extra penis length pales next to extraordinary interest. And patience.

Those are our requirements. Not size. Time, interest and attitude. Also, yes, it helps to have the ability to make love for more than a few minutes without gasping for air, finishing too soon, groaning with muscle cramps or making it clear someone else is on your mind. (A real deal-breaker).

Those are our yardsticks. And if you don't know that, it's time you learned. We measure you by the totality of your performance, before, during and after ... not by the size of your penis.

Bottom Line: a large penis means nothing if it's powered by a small mind and heart.

If you can't measure up to that, it doesn't matter if you're hung like a horse ... to us you're just an ass.

Click here to add 3 inches.

Well, of course I disabled that link. But you clicked on it anyway, didn't you?

Jeez. Pencil dick.


Facts about penis size  (This is a live link with real medical information).


 Just for fun:

Your tags:


Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:


Type your comment below:
HELL NO! Like I've said before, give me a man with hand and mouth skill over "hung like a horse Joe" anytime. Penis is fun, no doubt, but it should compliment sex, not be the main attraction! LOL

Okay, I know what you think Sally, but the truth is that I've never seen anybody use any of this kind of stuff. Like you, I know that there must be some money in it somewhere. Still there are no obvious takers and heres a little side info, believe me if they were using it and it worked at all they'd be crowing like the cock of the walk. Just like some women with their enhanced boobage, they'd be whipping that puppy out everywhere just to show it to people. One thing I learned was about the co-efficient of expansion. Flaccid size bears little relationship to erect size. Me? hell, I just barely use what I've got, what would I do with more?
Crap, I forgot to answer your question. No your ass looks just fine.

OK, seriously for a moment, I think your approach to units of measurement is the right one, and I have no idea who on earth buys those ... things. One would have to be pretty naive or downright stupid -- and horribly insecure.

Oh. And you know what I see when I look in the mirror? Sixty-wharrrgarble years staring back at me. I earned every goddamned one of those wrinkles and scars. I actually prefer the way I look now -- warts, blemishes and all -- to the way I was as a younger man.
Girl you need a Mac computer, we don't get no spam!

I listen to all the prostate commercials and go yes, yes, yes I have all those symptoms only to find out it's for an enlarged prostate. Hmmmm.

We have lots of penis jokes in our household, especially about: "I just got out of the water, it was cold!!!" ala George from Seinfeld.
I'm still clicking this friggin' link...Nothin's happenin'...Still clickin'...clickin'...still clikin'...
Elisa, I know the one in my house is priceless to me. ;)

Will, you're cool, we love you just the way you are as long as you just *try* to love us well.

Lady M, we are so on the same page.

Bob, they have genuine web sites and everything. A former Super Bowl coach as spokesman. Jeez, he thinks 10 yeards is the right size. Oh, and thank you.

B1, good for you! Glad you enjoyed, hope you know the power of giving as good as you want to get. :)

EK, you say that now, but what about tonight?.... heh
Deborah, gmail's cool, they collect all this stuff in one convenient folder for me.

Elisa, Lady M and I usually agree.

John, keep clickin, dude...
such a hiliarious, true, on-pointe post, sally. bravo!
Fine video, you nasty woman. I got some of this stuff as an experiment. I put it on my cucumbers last year and wow, those things grew right through the fence....Pencil dick ain't all that bad but limp dick well if a woman calls even big ol' Bubba that, he will be a goner for months. Also fightin' words. This society is nutty every week. Fake boobs and boners that can't pass a drug test. It must sell though, as boner commercials are everywhere, just like you said.
You'd have to ask The Redhead. Still, the fact that she's still willing to share accommodation with me all these years later means I must be doing something right. Or at least, not wrong.
Your internet marketers are my internet marketers. I get spam for pregnancy updates, menopausal cures, retirement homes and "find black singles in your area" all at the same time. Oh, of course and male enhancement products. I am under the 6 inch mark....xx a
I will never understand that stuff . . . fortunately, I don't have to!
With all the insecurities that bedevil us gals, doesn't this help to level the playing field a bit?
A pair of size 16 wing-tip brogues would probably be more effective. At least provide the lure before the truth was found out.
"They pound our inboxes." Heh. Heh, heh.

The same people who buy these products may be interested in a financial transaction with the widow of the former deputy minister of finance of Nigeria, who somehow wound up with millions of dollars that she can't access.
i have a mental picture of a guy who bought some of this stuff, locked in his bathroom with a ruler marked in centimeters. i was gonna say millimeters, but that's cruel.

great one, sally.
Wham, bam, spam,
Expert m'am
On growth mania
In Penisvania.
One of those headlines I will cherish...R
I once got a piece of email spam that had this as an opening sentence:

"Download a new penis today!"

I ruminate on this from time to time.
"Not size. Time, interest and attitude. Also, yes, it helps to have the ability to make love for more than a few minutes without gasping for air, finishing too soon, groaning with muscle cramps or making it clear someone else is on your mind. (A real deal-breaker)."

EXACTLY! By the way, one of my ex-boyfriends recently informed me that his penis had grown larger since I last saw him. I wondered if he had undergone surgery - no, he said, it just happened (like magic...) Now I know! Oh - and did you know that they sell pills to make your breasts larger too? R
I am so pleading the 5th here >:)
This cracked my shit up. Rated!
I bought some of this stuff for my garden last year...

You should have seen the bumper crop of cucumbers I got.

You hit the g-spot with this one, Sally. (I'm still moaning with pleasure. But now you've got me thinking about that crazy 80's phase where men went wild buying "Members Only" jackets...... Do you think there was some connection? Hilarious (and true) post. Yes. I rated. So don't come after me with your schlong.
True story. I was shopping with my brother and my cousin Jack, and I told Jack he was in the wrong section of the store -- he needed to be in small penis section -- three ladies behind us fell on the floor laughing, and then one of them followed us around the store just to get in on the rest of the jokes

Then there's the suggestion from one comedian that rather than waste their money on email spam, the penis purveyors should just pass out flyers at Hummer dealerships.

On a serious note -- the greatest advertising disclaimer of all time? "If you have an erection lasting more than four hours ..." . Someone please tell me why must we be subjected to ED ads on TV -- or for any prescription drug for that matter?
OK after careful consideration I am willing to apply the concept of the "complete package" theory. Now what I need are some volunteers to join me in my endeavor please send resume's (photo optional) to my home page. And please let me thank you in advance :)
Those ads are scams.
I responded to one promising to make my penis a foot.
19.95, and all I got was a little shoe.
Pencil-dick you said??!! .. Are you talking to me???!! ... Oh oh .. I see .. Sorry it was a reflex .. ehem ..

*walking away embarrased*

Lol - Rated!
I'll buy into your rant if you absolutely swear that you never even for a second considered a Mark Eden Bust Developer, have never and don't now own a padded bra, have never considered or had breast augmentation surgery, have never considered how your fanny looks in a straight skirt or jeans.
I've never considered products like Extenze (although some of the commercials and "infomercials" are hilarious), I've never done or considered Rogaine, I don't like what's happened to my belly but it's my own fault for not being active enough but at 58 I sure as hell wish that the particular part of male anatomy in question would work a little better than it does.
I know you're being sarcastic in the extreme however women have, I would think, just as many peccadillos as men. It just seems as though male narcicissm has hit its full stride in the last couple of years. (read my post from Oct or Nov about men's underwear ads in "Wintersilks").
Rated because we're all going too far over the top.
This is too much!!!
"What is truly the worst name a guy can be called (which, by the way, sounds to us the most benign)? Pencil dick. Oh yeah. You know I'm right. Stick that knife in and twist. It's killer."

Not necessarily true. For at least a generation there has been a very successful roadhouse near Clear, Alaska, called "Skinny Dick's Halfway Inn" The original Skinny died a few years ago, but sweatshirts and T-shirts are available online. And no, I don't get a commission.
But that Bob guy is so convincing on TV. His smile appears so sincere, too.

And I was promised a year's supply if I gave the emails of 100 "friends".

Was I scammed?
I wonder if those pills will help my pencil brain?
Maybe next they'll market something to the same men to increase the size of their IQs....big brain, and a big penis--now there's a combo.
I'm glad I have a Mac--those spam emails would drive me crazy! You reminded me of a scene from the 80s movie "Last American Virgin" when 2 guys had a penis size contest and actually used a ruler in the locker room--it was hilarious!
Funny. I think they offer free shipping.
Just what I needed to cap off a different sorta day. Funny!
This is so funny Sally. I almost wet myself, and I so hate to have moist socks...
Wow, I run out for a couple MRI's and look what the penises brough in...

Glad everyone's enjoying, and more important, agreeing. I won't bore us with answers to everyone, plus my husband wants me for dinner. Um, that didn't come out right, but you never know...

Aunt Mabel's comment should be The Penis Motto.

Gagabiting, I like the idea of a more level playing field.

aka, clearly you've heard the same canards I have....

Nikki, if I can make you smile, good.

Greg, no way: "Download a new penis today!" Hilarious!

tregibbs, you sure speak for a lot of us, the hypocrisy is gagalicious.

Leepin, cucumbers! heh

O'R... "Members Only" was clearly marketing genius. And I don't need no stinkin schlong!

Tom, ExtenZe and Hummer dealers... pure genius!

poppiehead, if you're into the full package, I have no problem being a dating service for you.

Walter dear, trust me, the last thing I need is a bigger rack...

James Johnson with all the answers... is that your real name? heh

Cap'n and Eden on the same page.

I'll be back to see who says what next...
Sally this is hilarious. "pencil dick"... oh no you di'in
Gary! I had to stay long enough to give you props for making me laugh!
So you're the one who's been encouraging the spammers by opening their emails ... thanks.
I'm bizarrely relieved I'm not the only woman these spammer morons believe has a mammoth case of you know what envy.

Well, Little Lady, I don't me to boast, but I'm the host with the biggest post. Since I don't need those products I just deep-deep-eight them. wink-wink.

BTW, you said, "No man ever made a joke about having a small penis." So here is a crude "come" back for a guy who has just been told that he has a small member by a female, "Well, I guess this means you won't mind it when I f*** you in the a** with it!"

BTW2, talk about irony, on your Updates column, Lady Miko has posted "A Day in the Life of a Peanut"
It's not the size, it's how the man uses it.

By the way, Sally, your Google ads are now for Male Enhancement products. :)
tomreedtoon, goodness, I seemed to have angered you with this lighthearted post. The men you cite are entertainers doing "schtick" ... I was referring to Joe the Plumber and every other average guy just talking to other average guys. But, come to think of it, Joe the Plumber just could be a big dick.
Lisa, we agree. Except the ad I see now is for a wedding dress! How bizarre is that??
Your ass is fine Sally.

The rest? Jeeessshhh...all I can say is really? Really? A man has to be all sizes of insecure to try this stuff.
I remember an article in The Daily Beast several months ago where a writer was trying to organize a test of these products, but most guys refused to participate because they claimed they were already too big. It's Lake Wobegon: everyone's above average.
Well done Sally ... A jolly good giggle was had here!
The only guys I know who fall for crap like that are bald guys who drive red convertibles.
They obviously missed the Dr Oz show about mens' bodies and penis enlargement pills. None of this crap works, the only thing that gets bigger is the drug manufacturers' wallets. Duh!
Okay, I need some clarity here. What size pencil? Are we talking about the big, first-grade lumber, your standard #2 or one of those little golf-course items? Before or after sharpening?

This was hilarious. And I think your ass looks great, but don't tell my wife I said so.
What a ridiculous scam, or so I've been told. 60 Minutes should do an exposé but somehow I can't see anyone volunteering for the test pilot job. Unless and until, your post will do just fine.

I've always thought it was tacky to tell folks I was rating their post, but for the title alone, Rated!
Sorry to ruin anyone's day. In particular the guys who actually believed Dr. Ruth and the other 'sexologists' that the size of a man's penis doesn't matter much.
Well, it does. And admit it girls, when you go out to your bachelorette parties or girls-night-out to see the Chippendales or whoever does these male revues, do you want to see a bunch of muscular guys strip down from their fireman or cop or construction worker costumes, then whip off their g-strings to reveal that they're hung like ...... a hamster? And when you rent those porn flix on the sly, well, how about 90 minutes of plot where the guys are hung like accountants who just stepped out of an ice-cold bathtub. Nahh, my wife and her friends 'fessed up one night, after a few too many 'girly drinks decorated with umbrellas and fruits and such.' Thus, the verdict - "In vino veritas" - big and thick. My personal experience from this is after my wife and her gal-pals shared their mens' measurements, it gets kinda interesting when the ol' lady is out of town. But I ain't complaining.
Another tangential fact for the ladies, yes men are dogs, and we secretly want your hot looking friends...
Amanda, oh yes I di-id.

Shiral, I totally forgot to work in "penis envy"! Damn.

Trudge, why am I not surprised you're boasting... heh And yean, Lady M's post just made my day.

Cranky, every man who knows how to love a woman is above average.

ame i, AMEN!

Poppi, I don't watch Dr Oz and I did provide a medical link which apparently you missed.

Abrawang, we never consider it tacky to be told we're being rated... at least not here on OS. And, uh, is your pen name in any way connected to this post?...

tom.pain, good name, especially in this case. Again, this is a lighthearted post with a solid message... lovers should pay attention to the pleasure of their lovers. Joking about size is one thing, being loved the right way is quite another. If you secretly want our hot friends, and want to stay happily married, I suggest keeping thatparticular fact to yourself.

Btw, thanks to those who complimented my glutes on faith. Which are pretty damn good, if I do say so myself.

Btw2, I now have a photo ad of a large female lion stretched across a tree limb looking quite post-coital. How fitting.
I agree with all you have said above, and so well too, BUT -- sometimes small can be be too small. It's very awkward.
I don't know any man who uses these products. If you send 100,000 email messages, someone will buy anything you are selling -- and today's email spammers can send 100,000 messages with a few keystrokes.

I didn't learn anything from reading this rant, except that Sally Swift hates men. When you typed that line about a "small mind and heart," were you looking in a mirror?
Desperately seeking endorphins here. Wanted to let you know as I began reading quotes from ads I kept scrolling up to your picture so I could imagine you reading this stuff. I laugh my butt off deleting this junk, it makes me laugh every time I look at the subject. I didn't realize what I'm missing in the email.

My chest and cheeks started to ache until I realized you've hit on a brilliant idea for a new product to sell during the recession, seriously. "Any woman who offers her man a penis enlargement product better be ready with some Viagra too. Or a divorce lawyer."

Sally, you're a genius, it's like an at home spa package for big long lasting sex, with a divorce lawyer as a back-up insurance plan. We should see if the hot guy who rides the horse backwards in the New Old Spice commercials is available. We need a third person with connections. Oh yeah, success awaits.

PM me after thinking up a good name (nothing with Kiki. Lola types are more high end, gotta think big - heh heh) I'm working on a marketing plan. I was fabulously successful in sales, think what we can do with this joy to the world plan. Utopia is but a product away.

(Oh, and stop plucking your eyebrows in a magnifying mirror, the pores magically disappear.)

You're brilliant!
You have missed the new commercial. It's not length you ladies want it's girth. Yes, they have a pill for that now too.

I have to admit, I did try the ones that will make "that special part" larger. Tried it for two weeks. I have to admit it was really expensive replacing all my shoes with my new shoe size.
Jimmy Johnson of Dallas Cowboy fame says he uses Extenze. Personally, I prefer another approach. Lose lots of weight. A man's dick will grow in length in proportion to the inches his waist shrinks. I enjoyed your take on the penile enlargement fixation of most men.
oooooh, cyclopic beat to the punch. The thing about losing weight, "the penis enlarges about an inch for each 20# (or is it 10#)of fat lost at the belly, but at a certain point its a game of diminishing returns" ~ Dr. Oz

I am soooo surprised that the only person who commented on the obvious contra-argument "size matters" was a man! I guess I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut on the particulars, but he makes a good point. I do get that lovemaking benefits from both partners bringing the whole enchilada to the event and there's tantric sex, etc., but Ladies. Are you really agreeing size is not a factor with an 'other factors being equal' scenario? Maybe you've never had one of ... nevermind. (blush)
Thanks! This very agreeable post suggested my today's cartoon.
When it comes to self-image, there is a major disconnect between a man's eyes and his brain.

Especially middle aged men. They look in a mirror and see the guy they were in high school. Lean and mean. Six-pack abs. Bulging bi's and tri's. A sex machine.

Hardly. Believe it or not, more than a few of us men have body-image "issues" as bad as or worse than any woman's, and our lives are warped by them. I suppose it would be fine if I posted a humor piece based on women's body issues...?
My all-time favorite spam subject line was "Get rid of that small penis forever"
??!!?? :o
Spammers. They're special.
First Bob Dole hawked Viagra. I understand that actually works, when needed. But now you tell me some fotball guy is shilling for these sucker-punches. Caveat emptor, people. As for small, it's way more manageable under certain circumstances. Thanks, Sal. Can't wait to find out where you got that video.
In their own mirrors, and minds, they are all James Freakin Dean or Brad Forkin Pitt.

Not true. We see all the imperfections. We simply ignore them, because we are studly sex machines and appearance isn't as important as penis size. We KNOW that. Smilin' Bob tells us that on every Enzyte commercial. I mean, c'mon - the dude looks like a psycho, he isn't exactly a hot package, but he has babes lining up to bed him. Why? PENIS SIZE. Thanks to Enzyte, the man is King Dong.

/* End Sarcasm

Stick that knife in and twist.
Nope. Tiny is the worst. But we are trained to respond, "Yeah, well - that's not what your mother/wife said". Which side of the slash you use depends on circumstances of course.

Now excuse me, I have to order some ....ah.... VITAMINS online. Yeah.
tomreedtoon said:
Sally Swift, I have no problem with you making a comic post, but you should at least think before making it. The best comedy has always had thought behind it.

Well, geez - I'm glad we have an expert here to give you permission, Sally. Buying much Enzyte, Tom?

Seriously, dude - get a frickin' life already. If your existence is nothing more than pissing on people's post, you are a sad little man indeed.

Sorry, Sally - I had to address that. We now return you to your regular scheduled commenting.
Sally, that was brilliant!

Here’s the easy trick I’d teach every school kid, to prepare them for the onslaught of advertisers/spammers magical promises they’ll encounter related to their body:

If the product promises to have biological activity (grow, repair, make younger etc.) be aware that it’s:

• Highly unlikely

• If even partially true—will have side effects. There’s no chance of a pill that works with absolutely none.
Okay Sally, I have to share with you the insult that always got the biggest beer-sputtering guffaw. It was a short phrase:

"Needle dick the bug fucker." The guy I first heard use it was projecting I learned later when a bunch of us went swimming nude in a mountain pool.
Do men really invest that much ego in penis size? you ask. Some do. But for most of us men it's less a matter of showing off than of avoiding embarrassment and disappointing our lovers.
Sally, evidently you haven't been hit by the latest scam -- the Nigerian-I-want-your-money penis enlarger.
Funny piece. R
Talk about scams - but what about scans? You know, those new machines airports are installing to see the outlines of passenger bodies as they pass through security. Apparently, many people have misgivings about them. But if someone could devise a technology to make a man's penis look larger . . . well! The greatest selling point in Homeland Security history.
Trudge164, your "come"back is hilarious. It's a shame I'll never have the chance to use it.

tomreedtune--geez, man, what is your problem? Seriously, you need to talk to someone about your unreasonable anger.

Sally--loved this. Hope you and yours are doing well.
If you want to see the actual results of buying these things


Don't worry, it's totally safe for work.
Surely ex football coach Jimmy Johnson wouldn't jeopardize his sterling reputation by doing ads that tout the efficacy of a product that is fraudulent!

My question is, if you continue to take them, will the boss keep growing this could prove to be troublesome.
Thanks for making me spit out my tea with laughter, Sally!

I love the e-mails I get that are written in some kind of broken EnGrish that detail how I can "enlarge your member for her pleasure."

Guys don't realize that while a large penis can be fun, if the guy its attached to isn't fun or interesting, we just don't care. Also, there is such as thing as too big. I've had sex with it. It hurt. LOL.
I'm in the three bears (bares?) category: not too small, not too big ---just right. As Aristotle says, "Moderation in all things, including the penis." Well, maybe he just said the first part of that.
Brilliant! There's an old saying, "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean". Kinda.
I'll take the herbal supplements over the Post-E-Vac any day, you little prick!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I clicked on the "link!" Fell for it like a carnival rube. Excellent post, thank you.

I'd like to give a little bit of perspective to all this talk about penis enhancement. We men think a lot about our penises (peni?). Even if we're completely satisfied with its size, texture, tactile function, or color, we pay a lot of attention to it. We like to, ah, touch ourselves fairly frequently (arguably more than women do with "theirs," but that's a whole new can of little worms). So, it shouldn't be too much of a suprise that a few of us try one of these products simply out of curiousity.

Consider, how many women have thought of changing their hair color? Of, from straight to curly? What would some bronzing lotion do to your skin tone? It doesn't cost that much to just see what you would look like with these small modifications. It's not a great leap of logic for an otherwise reasonable man to ponder, "What would John Henry, whom I care deeply about, look like if he were, say, three inches longer?"

Wouldn't you want to know?
Sally, You are the funniest!
"No man ever made a joke about having a small penis." What? I joke about my "Napoleon" all the time! Not too big around, but it sure is short!
Ablonde, I did mention there were exceptions.

Patrick Hahn, why so hostile, wow. I hate men? You say, "When you typed that line about a "small mind and heart," were you looking in a mirror?" Not only are you incredibly mean and rude, you obviously don't know me at all. Please don't comment again.

l'Heure Bleue, I will think about your great idea and see if I can think of a name. Am still laughing too.

Cindy, you're a gem and clealy you're married to one. Lucky lady.

Catn, you made me laugh! As usual.

cyclopic, I mentioned Jimmy, though not by name. Hey, I guess if Bob Dole can do Viagra, Jimmy can do ExtenZe.. money talks.

Gabby, you are a bit a a handful, eh. heh Just kidding!!

Gianni, going to view your cartoon. Happy to be anybody's muse.

dopeldude, many pieces have been written about women's body issues, feel free to add your .02.

tomreedtoon doesn't like me, he really doesn't like me.

My dearest (older) sister Judy rides to my rescue! Yea!

Bill joins Judy, and with extra punch lines (and a little punch at a naysayer)! Double yea!!

Dr Ayala, very smart, thank you.

Sr Suzanne, you made me sprew Pepsi! That is one I definitely Never heard!

john b, if you say it's funny, I am thisclose to a climax. Thank youuuuuuu!

ladyslipper, the TSA Enlarger, might make security fun again!

Scott Abraham, you might want to ask yourself what happened to your sense of humor and why you are so angry at me? Goodness, such anger. Men have been writing far worse than this piece of fluff about women for centuries.

Good Daughter, thanks for asking, we're haning in there (oops, so to speak).

XJS, hilarious!

Kat, we agree. 'Nuff said.

Lea, a great big ditto to your assessment. Thank you.

Fay, lots of those sayings, all true.

jp1954, you are the very first man to make that very logical point. Thenk you!

Willy, re "Napoleon" ... do you keep your hand on it all the time too?
Love this Sally! And to add to the mix...I have more than a few friends in the porn industry. They're the ones buying enhancers by the case, and oddly they really do sit around and joke about how small their dicks are. Go figure!
Men...I love the way they flummox me and keep me entertained.
You know I actually tried those pills once. I'm about average, but it didn't cost much, so I figured what the hell. Didn't seem to do anything and made it smell funny, so I discontinued it. I think they sell on the basis of the price is probably under $100

So I think a lot of guys with decent jobs, think, sure, why not? As long as youre not 12 inches and painful, it can't do any harm?

And women don't seem to really care that much. It probably has to do with thickness, and motion as well. How you use it. Or combine it with other things. Like work on the nipples with your mouth simultaneously. the way I see it, if she's not making a lot of funny noises, you're not doing it right. If she is, you're doing your job.
I looked it up:

Like $60 bucks. They keep selling because they don't cost much to make, and most guys can shell out $60 without blinking. So I would bet they get huge, "Sure, what the heck" orders. In the millions. If it were like $500 the sales would plummet. But it's so cheap, it's like what you guys spend on wrinkle cream for a month. Fuck, your hair cuts cost more.
All it takes to draw an e-crowd are the words "Penis Size" in the title of a column. Guaranteed. ;>)
Why buy pills, when Kegel exercises are free?
Women, you can't make head or tail about them sometimes. They don't call them feminine wiles for nothing.

Now, being a man, I have always tried to understand women, but with little sucess. But I keep on trying.

So recently, in order to further my understanding of the opposite gender, I decided to watch two popular "chick flicks." I watched "the Devil Wears Prada." Sounds like it would be about Fashion, a subject in which I has almost no interest, but, I have been told, is a subject of interest to many women. It turned out that this movie was not really about Fashion; it was really about Relationships.

Then I watched "Sex and the City: The Movie." The title would suggest that this film would be about Relationships. It turned out that the movie was not really about Relationships; it was really about Fashion,

Then I read this article, which sounded as if it would be about penis size. It turned out that it was not really about The Big Penis; it was really about What Women Want.

So, .......... is What Women Want ... really ... The Big Penis?
Sissy, I am amazed men in the porn industry worry about this... I thought a 'large member' was a porn actor's biggest (ahem) credential. What those porn producers don't know about women, wow.

Batville, there used to be an old joke about penis enlargement cream... why didn't your hand get bigger too? Seems to me you are on very much the right track with what women want.

Lary9, if you read my previous two posts, you'd see I needed to lighten up. I really do get these mails all the time and had already started writing a post about them. Nice bonus, though, I'll remember for next time, "Penis Size" in the title...

Leepin, you are SO right about Kegel exercises. If only more women used them, they'd have happier sex lives --and, bonus-- stronger backs. (Kegel is the core of 'core strength' exercises, aka Pilates).

Willy, if you base your idea of what women want from The Devil Wears Prada and SATC, hooboy are you gonna be unhappy. Not to mention this piece isn't about big it's about time and interest. Perhaps a reread? Or, well, whatever.
Sally, please. I'd rather you not deconstruct my monicker.
I did click the link anyway. What a loser I am. What did I expect to gain?

Sally this was more than funny. Your points were loud and clear. Guys have their body "issues" and penis size pales in comparison with a lover who knows what he's doing.

I'd also like to know the business behind these enterprises. Or the composition of these pills and elixirs. God knows. It sure does seem like good ol' fashioned snake oil. Though snake oil is probably more effective.

Truthfully, if a guy wants to have a fuller hard-on, he should work on his circulatory system. I swear. Exercise, herbal supplements like ginko, etc. all improve overall circulation. After all, a hard-on is just blood rushing to one spot.

I think one of the reasons these pills are so prevalent is because we have a bunch of fat asses who want an easy hard-on. Honestly. They're overweight and lazy and stressed but still want to prove their manhood via a good, hard cock. It's a hard cock without the work. A healthy, happy guy doesn't need to cheat in that department.

All this talk of cock. Makes me want to eat pancakes.
Abrawang, , no deconstructing, roger.

Beth, good health and exercise makes everything bigger, better and tastier, especially pancakes.. heh
Looks like I'm a bit late to this party - absolutely hysterical. But just for the record, I can't stand to have ear hair. And any guy that has long hairs sticking out of his ears totally skeeves me out.
Andy, the party is ongoing. And bless you for your firm stand on ear hair.

I never thought about before so I checked.

My waist is bigger, I lost muscle definition, and I'm going bald. You just completely ruined the image I had of myself. Is there a pill for that?
Scott, you clearly feel justified in your anger, though you seem to be in a small majority and I see there is no calm reasoning with you. So I ask you respectfully not to comment here again. Anger and verbal abuse, especially now, is very toxic to me, I try hard to avoid it.

Mark, I think the pill you seek might be found by contacting Ponce de Leon.
Hey Scott, lighten up and go take a pill.
True story to all of the above. But I would like to interject to the above that, among the size king democracy of bar talk and bedroom ethics -- I tend to joke about the size of mine often. I tend to refer to it as the "angry inch" and that it looks like a botched sex job and that I am not equipped to bring pleasure to any woman. That being said, I have never had a complaint due to my Russian hands, Roman fingers and your aptly specified attention to detail.

That being said, you may all refer to me as Needle-D**k the bug F**ker.

Thank you, good night.
Well, what this writer says has lots of validity especially if a relationship is in progress. However, if I thought, for a minute, that any of the pills worked, I'd get a 2nd mortgage, and live on an all Extenze diet. 3 more inches dear god, and I will even become sensitive and listen some of the time. 4 more inches and I'll remember birthdays and anniversaries.

Read me:
Sally, Sally, Sally, do you not recognize a joke when you read one? I though we were all (most of us, anyway) being light-hearted here.

Okay, maybe I am not a good writer, so let me be serious here and explicit. I was using the humorous device of facetiousness. And, I assumed you, on the other hand, were employing the humorous device of exaggeration in your description of male attitudes.

Did I misread you there? Do you honestly believe that most men are obsessed over the size of their genitals?

If that is the case, let me tell you that you are grossly misinformed.
Scott Abraham said:
"Idiotic, stupid, sexist, clueless. If a man wrote such crap about women, the harpies here would be screaming. All women want what Sally wants, and all men are insecure about their dicks.
Here's a clue, Sally. I've never heard any man admit to taking the dumb pills. Period. Good friend of mine is an urologist. Professional dick doctor. He's had maybe two patients ask about the pills. Can't count the times I've heard men make jokes about the small size of their shlong. And on and on and on.
No wonder guys want to get it over fast: who wants to spend time with someone with such anger and contempt for them?"

Ah, I love these. Scott begins with an ad hominem attack of his own, clearly failing to address Sally's points (which are not argumentative, btw, but intended as humor) but instead attacking her character. Sound familiar?

He then takes umbrage with Sally's statement regarding his own apparent anger, and cries ad hominem.

Well, Scott, I have no problem deconstructing your flaccid statements and showing point by point where your comments fall squarely on their considerable ass.

Let's do it one concept at a time, slowly so you can follow along, shall we?

"Idiotic, stupid, sexist, clueless."
Are you referring to the post? If so, which parts? Or are you referring to the author? It can go either way, frankly, since you neglected to list which points you were refuting with such intellectually witty terms. See, this piece contained a good deal of humor in it; even a simpleton such as I can see that.

Apparently, you not only failed to find humor in it, you were indeed offended. Yet instead of clicking off the post and finding better reading material, you chose to attack the author. How very nice of you to declare yourself the final arbiter of what is funny and what isn't.

"If a man wrote such crap about women, the harpies here would be screaming."
Really? Let's see the evidence of that. You must have some, don't you? After all, this is a statement of fact.

"All women want what Sally wants, and all men are insecure about their dicks."
Funny, you seem to be the sole person to come away with that feeling. I see no evidence here at all that Sally feels she is speaking for all womankind. Can you provide evidence to the contrary? Besides your own assumptions, that is.

"Here's a clue, Sally."
Ah, now we see Scott setting himself up as the expert, the sole arbiter of what is truth and what isn't. I would love to see his credentials; alas, I'm fairly certain he has none.

"I've never heard any man admit to taking the dumb pills. Period."
Well, I guess those companies are wasting a whole shitload of money on advertising, huh? Why, they must all be on the verge of bankruptcy because there are NO MEN BUYING THESE PRODUCTS.
After all, Scott claims he has never heard any man admit to taking these, therefore it must be so.

"Good friend of mine is an urologist. Professional dick doctor."
Ah, now I see where his expertise comes from. A single, solitary urologist. Scott even goes so far as to call him a "dick doctor". See, Scott DOES have a sense of humor.

"He's had maybe two patients ask about the pills."
Really? And you know this HOW, Scott? Did he tell you that? A little breach of patient-doctor confidentiality there, wouldn't you say? Besides, we only have YOUR WORD that this urologist said this. Funny, that.
Equally funny is how you present a single case with no supporting evidence. I also fail to see how involving a urologist in your ordering of said pills is a requirement. Funny, that's never mentioned anywhere at all.

"Can't count the times I've heard men make jokes about the small size of their shlong. And on and on and on."
Ah, more groundwork for your expertise. Very enlightening. Once more though, it is your own anecdotal evidence. Which really isn't evidence at all, is it?

"No wonder guys want to get it over fast: who wants to spend time with someone with such anger and contempt for them?"
The final ad hominem attack by the very child who cries foul when it is aimed at him, and of course he speaks for all men; something, once again, that he claims the author is doing and then villifies her for it.

Does the word hypocritical mean anything to you, Scott?

Lastly, I'm curious: Sally's premise, if taken seriously and literally, is that penis size does not matter when it comes to good sex.
Are you suggesting that she is wrong? That, in fact, penis size DOES matter?

If you like, I'd be happy to deconstruct your additional comments as well. After all, you seem to have difficulty understanding the meanings of certain words, phrases and concepts.
Vis-a-vis one of the main premises, specifically the "pencil dick" theory - one of the funniest jokes I have ever heard was when one of my (male) friends fake-boasted that he was "hung like a wild field mouse." I have repeated that boast as often as I've felt it was socially appropriate (which is not very often, but at least I still have it for me to laugh at).

Overall, appreciate the effort to clear things up; however, most (if not all) attempts to speak on behalf of a gender/ethnicity/orientation/etc. are problematic. Exhibit 1: Cosmo, Seventeen, Men's Health, and the other magazines and similar dreck that use the type of writing Ms. Swift has done here as their bread and butter.

As a side note, regarding another one of the assertions, I know of women who really do just love to be penetrated by a big one, and upon occasion (drunk, lonely, just plain horny) have been known to not be super-picky about who it's attached to. Again, the post was well-intentioned but over-reaching - I can tell Ms. Swift has a good heart, and if she looks closely at what she has written, will do better in the future.
Matt, the "angry inch" and "Needle-D**k the bug F**ker" ... you made me laugh, another top requirement, thank you!

TheHarv View, so in your equation, another 4 inches means a European cruise? heh

Willy, my bad, if you read the post after this one you'll understand when I responded to you my mind (and sense of humor) were elsewhere. Sorry.

Bill, what can I say? Wow. Talk about taking somebody out to the woodshed. And with laser-like precision. I literally have nothing to add... except THANK YOU!

Alexander, just curious are you a writing critic for the New Yorker? The Guardian perhaps. I SO stand corrected for my mediocrity.
Once again, Sally Swift showed her hypocrisy:

"Bill, what can I say? Wow. Talk about taking somebody out to the woodshed. And with laser-like precision. I literally have nothing to add... except THANK YOU!"

Woodshed? That pathetic and laughable gibberish? Bill couldn't take me to the woodshed on the best day of his life: he used the same dishonest tactics, the same ludicrous logic, and the same defamatory slurs that you used. Of course, he never did debate the issues I raised. Much like you.
I never cease to be amused by how dishonest frauds band together to attack anyone who sees through the masks to the reality of what you truly are.
Bill was a joke. So are you, Sally. I howled when I read your "thanks" to him. He performed and protected, you encouraged his delusions of manhood. Talk about insecurity.
Typical OS behavior. No ethics, no integrity, just insecure, untalented bloggers defending their right to scribble incoherent rants and not be called out for their lack of intelligence, talent, and wisdom.

Back again, Scott? Is this the public de-pantsing you promised me?

Please. You fail to address anything other than to cry "ad hominem!" and hurl insults, the last resort of those with weak arguments.

You really need to work on those debating skills, fella. I have already pointed out your own hypocritical rantings, and where they fail to even come close to making a point.

Until such time as you can intelligently refute anything said with logic and facts, I'm just going to set the ignore switch to on. But do keep trying, Scott. It amuses me to no end.
While hiding in anonymity on the web. Such a manly man you are, Billy boy.

Ah, THAT I will address, Scott. I'm not anonymous. No more than you are. That is the ID I can be found under every place I frequent. I even post my photo with it. Anonymous? Really?

Give it a rest, before what little mind you have left goes up in smoke, Scott. I won't hold my breath waiting for you to show me up for the charlatan you claim I am. Simply because you not only lack the skill but the intellect to do it.
Really. You're talking crap while hiding behind your computer. No last name. Pretty laughable rationalization, but one I've heard a hundred times. I can spot a coward like you a mile away. Millions of Bill S's in the world.

Simply because you lack the intellectual capacity to figure out the rest does not make me anonymous, Scott.

The rest of your ridiculous comment doesn't even warrant a reply. I think it patently obvious who the fraud is here. I'm sure everyone else does as well.

   /ˌdɛfəˈmeɪʃən/ Show Spelled[def-uh-mey-shuhn] Show IPA
the act of defaming; false or unjustified injury of the good reputation of another, as by slander or libel; calumny: She sued the magazine for defamation of character.

You might want to re-examine your use of that word.
Since you insist:

Scott Abraham said:

Bill S showed himself for a stupid coward:

While hiding in anonymity on the web. Such a manly man you are, Billy boy.

> Ah, THAT I will address, Scott. I'm not anonymous. No more than you are. That is the ID I can be found under every place I frequent. I even post my photo with it. Anonymous? Really?

Really. You're talking crap while hiding behind your computer. No last name. Pretty laughable rationalization, but one I've heard a hundred times. I can spot a coward like you a mile away. Millions of Bill S's in the world.

My reply: Why, EVERYONE is sitting behind a keyboard right now, INCLUDING YOU. Feel like you’re hiding, Scott? How does that even enter into it? If you are so brilliant, go find my last name. It isn’t hard to do; nearly everyone here knows it. Will that lend more credence to my statements? Yours isn’t doing a thing for your statements.

Give it a rest, before what little mind you have left goes up in smoke, Scott.

Billy, Billy. You're just making a bigger fool out of yourself.

> I won't hold my breath waiting for you to show me up for the charlatan you claim I am. Simply because you not only lack the skill but the intellect to do it.

Since you insist, allow me to cherry pick an easy one. This is going to be embarassing for you. Better get some tissues handy.

After I mentioned a urologist friend of mine commented that very few men had ever mentioned the pills you apparently need, you wrote: Really? And you know this HOW, Scott? Did he tell you that? A little breach of patient-doctor confidentiality there, wouldn't you say? Besides, we only have YOUR WORD that this urologist said this. Funny, that.

The ways you make an utter fool of yourself are fascinating, Billy Boy. First you go for the laughable tactic of alleging a breach of doctor patient confidentiality. Let me delineate just how stupid and dishonest that crap is:
A. I do not know the names of the patients. Ergo, no possible breach of confidentiality. Just to bring up that idiotic and transparent red herring shows you to be a pathologically dishonest man incapable of reasoned discussion, and bent only on attacking a truth teller. You are terrified of people like me. For good reason.

My reply: You fail to note that it is entirely unethical for him to even mention he has two patients who have inquired about it. That should be entirely obvious even to a man such as yourself, Scott. The fact that you think I am in fear of you is very telling, indeed. As is the fact that you keep avoiding the points being raised with your continued and easily disproved cries of ad hominem attacks. But you just keep on trying to deflect, Scott.

B. Then a pathetic coward who hides in anonymity starts questioning the veracity of an anecdote. Tell me something, you pathetic idiot: is every statement by anyone subject to having the person quoted submit an affadavit? And if so, why don't YOU and your dishonest buddy Sally submit affadavits of YOUR anecdotal evidence?
After all, all we have is your word....and you've been proven to be not only a liar, but a fool. Allow me to continue pantsing you in public.

My reply: When you are going to accuse someone else of being false and misleading, you’d better be able to provide some solid proof, Scott. Anecdotal stories won’t get you far there. In fact, they only make you seem …. desperate.

You wrote: Equally funny is how you present a single case with no supporting evidence.

Then you better start gathering evidence for every rant Sally spewed, or your defamations of me, or.....damn, this is easy. Bit of a hypocritical double standard, eh, idiot?

My reply: Sally offered up a written humor piece based on opinion. Your comments attempted to put on the veneer of factual counterargument when they are no such thing.

I once more would direct you to a dictionary for words you are unsure of. I’m certain it will help you formulate more truthful and accurate sentences.

I also fail to see how involving a urologist in your ordering of said pills is a requirement. Funny, that's never mentioned anywhere at all.

Strange conclusion you came to. A rational, reasonable person would expect people to ask a respected physician who specializes in dicks if the dick enhancement pills actually work. I asked him myself out of curiosity, not need. Never been an issue for me. Which led to the discussion I quoted. Except in the strange recesses of your delusional mind, where in God's name did you get the idea that MD's prescribed penis enhancement pills? I certainly did not raise the possibility. You made it up.

My reply: You infer a great deal in your statements. You claim you know of no man who admits to taking the pills; you imply that therefore, there is no one taking them. The simple fact that I have to explain this to you makes me wince at your inability to grasp basic concepts of debate. Your use of the urologist is in fact a red herring, which I pointed out by simply stating that men do not need a urologist’s approval to order these pills. Whether or not they discuss it with a urologist is something neither you nor I know for certain, and your implication that this ONE UROLOGIST is the basis for all factual accounting going forward is … well, ludicrous seems like a good word here.

So much for laser like deconstruction. More like throwing shit at a wall hoping some would stick.
You have now been exposed as a liar, a posing coward, and a fraud, and so has your buddy Sally, for cheering on your obvious defamatory rant. Take your spanking and shut up. You just embarassed yourself in public and proved yourself a charlatan.
Goodbye, idiot.

It’s been a pleasure, Scott. Please come back again soon when you’ve had more practice.

As for someone being dishonest:

   /dɪsˈɒnɪst/ Show Spelled[dis-on-ist] Show IPA
1.not honest; disposed to lie, cheat, or steal; not worthy of trust or belief: a dishonest person.
2.proceeding from or exhibiting lack of honesty; fraudulent: a dishonest advertisement.

I'll not reply any more to you here. It detracts from the intent of Sally's post. Not to mention it is tiresome having a battle of wits with one so inadequately armed.
Enough! I have never done this before but I am doing it now. No more comments.

I have deleted one comment because it purports to divulge personal information about an individual, is inflammatory and potentially defamatory. I will not support, even passively that level of attack.

Move on, folks, nothing to see here.
Comments are now closed.