A 12-Step Program To Manage Your Annoying Little Brats

1. Tell them early and often about their birth, sparing no detail.
Show the video if you have one. Over and over. Especially at their birthday parties. Make sure they know how much and how long you suffered to bring them into the world. (This will make girls fear sex/pregnancy and could make boys become gay, meaning they will never leave you).

2. Don't let them play with other children.
Explain that most kids have lots of germs and are usually mean too. Point out specific children to avoid and tell them why, "His mother lets him drink soda. Soda makes kids crazy and he'll hit you." Keep them busy around the house washing the windows, ironing, fixing the roof, scrubbing toilets with toothbrushes ... you know, chores that build character.

3. Teach them that food equals love.
At mealtimes, hold the plates just out of their hungry little reach until they correctly answer the question, "Who do you love more, your father or me?" Substitute mother/partner/etc.as appropriate. If they refuse to eat something, tell them that means they don't love you. 

4. Post a list of 'Things You Must Never Do.'
Explain the list is necessary because everything they do is wrong. On the list include activities like laugh, cough, eat candy, enter Mommy's room, get dirty, masturbate, throw up, read a book without prior approval, fart, play a game without permission, touch anything in the living room, make a smelly Number Two, lose a personal item. You know what else to add. Create a sliding scale of severe punishments.

5. Get drunk on a regular basis.
Stay just sober enough to lecture them on the evils of drinking while breathing Scotch fumes in their faces, then go ahead and get shitfaced. Keep them up late with long rambling stories about your lousy lovers. Feel free to knock them around if they fall asleep or misbehave and spoil your buzz. Oh, and don't forget to chain-smoke.

6. Insist on obsessive-compulsive hygiene.
Make hand-washing a long term commitment, preferably until palms are bright red. Tell them baths are dirty, you sit in your own filth and things can grow on you. Have them take showers under your eagle eye, making sure they wash every body part vigorously until it's bright red, especially their 'disgusting privates.' 

7. Explain that all teachers should be feared and hated.
Let them know teachers are mean and nasty --even the ones who seem nice-- and all hate kids. If they ever get a bad grade or a note from school:
       a. Rail at the teachers as total idiots, or
       b. Remind your kids how much money their education costs, or
       c. Tell them they're stupid and you're not surprised they failed.

8. Ignore their special interests and talents.
If your kid wants to play the piano or draw or write or join a team, make sure he knows he has no natural ability and will most certainly make a fool of himself. Make it clear to her that others will tease her for her "lousy coordination" and him for his "ugly paintings."

9.  Clue them in about their looks, especially the flaws.
Remind them constantly how much they embarass you in front of the neighbors. Point out they're too fat, especially the girls. Make fun of birthmarks, pimples, crooked teeth, freckles, frizzy hair. If his ears stick out or her nose is big, jackpot! You've got years of material to keep everyone laughing at their expense.

10. Stress that the full weight of Original Sin hangs over their heads.
Insist that religion is their only chance to save their souls. Do this every night before they go to sleep. First make them apologize to you for all their crimes. Read grusome passages from the bible to drive the point home. You don't actually have to make them pray or go to church for this to work.

11. Make them watch 'Educational TV' to keep them in line.
Shows like "Cops," "Intervention," "Hoarders" and Jerry Springer-like bashfests are prime examples of Role Models to Admire and Emulate. Explain that a lot of people live this way, another reason they are lucky to have you. Laugh uproariously whenever miscreants are beaten, especially if they are not Real Americans.

12. Give them the real 411 on the whole family.
Grandpa's cross-dressing, Grandma's lousy cooking. How Uncle Al's nose picking and body odor caused his divorce, in addition to the cheating, although who would sleep with him is a mystery. Their father's/mother's/whoever's secret cocaine addiction which is why they pay no attention to you and don't care about them. Aunt Betty's dildo collection. Cousin George's interest in little boys, don't ever sit on his lap or go to the movies with him. The cousin nobody talks about who has Depression which is not really a disease, just an excuse to stay in bed.

Torpedoing self-esteem is key: use all these stories and more, plus a detailed list of their many inadequacies to explain why they are doomed to a life of unhappiness and failure and will never amount to anything. Be sure to emphasize this will happen in spite of all your hard work because they are such ungrateful little bastards.

That's it. You can now sit back and await your golden years surrounded by obedient, loving children ... when they're not in jail, on drugs or in hiding from you.

You never know, though. They might get help from "those damn head shrinkers who blame everything on the parents" ... and turn out healthy and happy after all.