I wrap layers upon layers of dense black cotton around my head, reveling in the warm ritual of it; throw a splash of crimson lipstick onto my lips, frustrated at how little of a canvas I have to work with; and stop when I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. I am sitting in my car, as I usually do, before attending Friday prayer at my university. I always do my makeup and make last minute preparations inside of my car, for some strange reason, it is where I am most comfortable. My eyes quickly scan from the top of my head down to my covered neck. Beautiful. I look absolutely beautiful. This is not an ego thing, it is a spiritual thing. I cannot deny it- the moments I feel the most feminine, the most powerful, and the most beautiful are when I am covered.

This is my love story. Hijab and I have had an on-off relationship over the years, but it is like one of those relationships where no matter how hard things get, no matter how many times you break up- you always remember why you fell in love in the first place, and you keep going back to, and even seeking out that love. I know I will go back to it, I just do not know when, for how long, or if it will ever be permanent. But as with all love stories, we must learn to appreciate them for the periods they make up of our life. If one period of wearing hijab becomes harmful to me, I end it, but I end it in peace. Should I curse myself for saying goodbye to someone I love very much if that one was hurting any aspect of my being? No, I should continue to allow myself the ability to love, at a distance, until it becomes safe for me to move closer, to really give myself.

The fluctuating appearance of my head is confusing to others, however it is my journey and this is my path. I do not know how similar these are to others’ experiences, or how different they are. I do know that the idea of faith being completely an individual journey resonates deeply with me. I know my actions are coming from the right place for me, when I do them only to please the Creator and myself. If I am the star of the show, I better make sure that the only audience is God, because His review is really the only one that matters, to me.

As with matters of faith- there are days I feel stronger, and days I feel weaker. Further, there are entire periods of our lives in which faith fluctuates, my father describes it as the pendulum effect. Given the choice, I would want to wear hijab some days, and not wear it others. I would prefer not to feel boxed into hypocrisy during weaker points, and I would love to put a hijab on every single day that it is possible for me. I really miss smoking in hijab. I would have the most interesting conversations, and meet the most interesting people. It is during these moments that people’s minds change, and their hearts open to new ideas, and understanding.

I came across a hadith in which our Prophet PBUH said: “Those who make things hard for themselves will be destroyed,” and he said it three times (Muslim). Yes, I believe that I am instructed to display hijab in its various forms, but God is merciful in that He is understanding of my internal condition, and my intentions. How could I remove something so beautiful, even when I am aware of its purpose in my life? If my state is so unstable that hijab becomes a burden, I would destroy myself, and destroy the love I have for it. When I do wear hijab, I do it for God, fulfilling a command that I honestly could not even know the deepest meaning of. I do it to fulfill God’s command of modesty, His wisdom in the veiling of a woman’s beauty- both internal and external- and as a reminder that as a Muslim, there is, albeit flexible, a particular spiritual lifestyle in which I should try to abide by.

I have put my hijab on hoping to remedy my moments of weakness, and I have taken it off in moments of weakness. I have taken of my hijab for the same reasons I have put it on. A very wise friend reminds me, it is a classic case of a kind of man vs. self struggle. There is a strong fear of judgment within our communities, this fear becomes a weakness, leaving us to think that if we are in the position to judge, we become strong. I have looked at other women in their periods of self-discovery, judging them for removing their hijabs. We all go through this, there is no cause for judgment, it is just easier to do so when changing faith is displayed so externally, as is the case with hijab.

When I wear hijab, I struggle with isolation and judgment. When I am uncovered, I feel naked- more exposed to the harshness of the world and its elements. Let’s be real, this is not easy. The point is, I may pick up my hijab and start wearing it tomorrow, and I may not. I cannot say for sure, our relationship is funny like that. Regardless, I am still the same me. And no matter my own personal state, I can never deny the beauty of a woman who chooses to go beyond herself, and cover for the sake of her Creator.

It is not an easy thing to remove hijab, you are removing a very visible aspect of who you are, essentially hiding a part of yourself. While wearing hijab, I worry that I hide behind it. I almost feel that I cannot fully be myself, for fear of a) being judged by Muslims, or b) being the only Muslim a person may ever come across, and the possibility that I will leave a negative impression on them. I hide the very real and even unfavorable aspects of myself in this image of a modern day holy woman fighting her crusade on top of her head. Some women hate hijab without ever trying it, while others grow to hate it after wearing it. I do not want to hate it, I do not want to be made to feel bad for wearing it, or not wearing it- I want the opportunity to continue to nurture this love, for myself.

Whoa! Hold on. I did not ask for this. I am just trying to do my own thing.

I am a woman, daughter, sister, aunt, lover, student, Muslim- I am all of these things and more. Being such, I feel a duty to be honest with myself, and those around me. I am a human. At best, a very average human. I am not a leader. I am not a religious figure. I deal with my own issues. Here is a world where women- all women, Muslim or not, are told by others how to fit into this impossibly ridiculous ideal. We are told how to behave- be it the virgin, or the whore. We are told to learn how to be beautiful, instead of just being.

But hey, sometimes all it takes to make a woman feel beautiful is the perfect shade of red lipstick and a hijab right?