Some days I wake up and I'm fine. I can hang the cloak on a peg and walk away. Other days I wake up and I'm shrouded. Heavy blackness that I can't remove. This is it. Or is it? Will this be what it's like from now on?

I remember. Think back. I remember the smells as I got off the plane. Seaside; salty air. The sun glinting in my eyes. Palm trees. She'd pick me up at the airport and we'd cruise up Hwy 1 in her Eagle Talon, listening to the Beach Boys. Sometimes we'd stop for fish tacos at her favorite stand. Or we'd head home, where the house always looked the same. It never changed, all those years.

 My room. It was really her office, with a futon for me to sleep on. But she always called it "my room" like I was there permanently, not just for a few weeks during the summer. I loved that about her. I was a permanent fixture, even in my absence.

 In the middle of my teenage years, I'd want to sleep in. She was always up early. She'd shower, dry her hair, and be-bop into my room and prop her legs up on the desk, applying fake tan lotion. Shaking that curly blonde hair. "What do you want to do today? Hike? Walk on the beach?" The possibilities were endless, but she had only one rule. No laying around. We had to DO something. Life was short, she said, let's live it. "Get up!"

 We'd drink wine, and talk. She let me have my first drink. I felt so sophisticated. We never missed a summer visit, me and her. It was our thing.

I can almost repeat verbatim the phone call when I told her I was moving out there. "Is it the guy you met at the wedding?" Yes, I told her. I was in love, and I had it bad. I'd met him three months earlier, at a wedding out there. We were instant. Instantly....in love? That sounds cheesy. Attracted? That's more like it. Soul mates? Most definately. "Do it, Sarah. What have you got to lose?" Nothing, I thought. I knew she'd be my safety net, if this adventure failed. It didn't. But her health did.

I lived there three years, in paradise. In a paradise she introduced me to. My life came full circle back to her. She gave me my sister, my best friend, and a husband. A grand adventure. It all goes back to her.

 The last time the whole family was together was at my wedding. It was the most fun we'd all ever had. A short time later, my dearly beloved moved me back to my homeland, and all was right with the world. You can take the girl out of Texas, but you can't take Texas out of the girl.

And then,  the phone call. It had gotten bad. Past bad. She wasn't eating and couldn't talk. I got on the phone with her, I could hear her breathing but that was it. I told her I was coming. Don't do anything until I get there. Please.

Within 12 hours I was on a plane west. It was a Sunday. We flew into the same airport as always. But I didn't notice the smells and sights. Just make the hour drive up there and let's see her before....before...I couldn't say it.

We made it in time. She was barely coherent, and had lost so much weight. I crawled in bed with her, like I'd done a million times before. I told her how much I loved her and she whispered it back. "I love you".

Hospice came the next day and explained how it all worked. They left a binder. The end of a life, all summed up in a binder, with multi-colored tabs.

I cooked. I'm from the South...I didn't know what else to do. Crisis = food. I cooked and cooked, and no one ate.

And then she was gone. It was over. No more pain, or suffering, or doctors, or treatments.

But also, no more phone calls, camping adventures, bottles of wine, hours long phone calls, or cards marked with 14 x's and o's.

I still miss her. Thanks for letting me vent.