Sarah Warden

Sarah Warden
Albany, New York, USA
July 19
Author of the novel Three Fifths of Love available as an ebook on amazon. Freelance writer...Contact me at


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JANUARY 10, 2012 9:22AM

Last Night on The Bachelor

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Sonoma Valley



(Also Known As The Manipulative Model Vs. The Gingerbread Prostitute)


Last nights episode of The Bachelor started out innocently enough. All of the women boarded a plane, and flew to Sonoma Valley to visit Ben at his family’s vineyard. He awarded the first date card of the episode to Kacie B., the sweet Southern girl. Because this is The Bachelor, of course, their date ended at an empty movie theatre with cute movies of both Ben and Kacie as children, playing on the screen. Ben gets all teary eyed when his dead father appears in the movie, Kacie leans her head on his shoulder, and another artificial instant bond is artificially created for us viewers to enjoy. The real world intrudes on them over dinner however, when Ben is extolling the virtues of Sonoma, and explaining how safe and quiet it is…only to have half-a-dozen cop cars go screaming by the restaurant they are in, sirens blazing. Despite the cops, Kacie got a rose though.


The crafty producers of The Bachelor set up what was supposed to be a heartwarming scenario, where all of the women meet Ben at a park in the center of Sonoma, and are welcomed by a group of random local children. About 15 kids wrote a play for Ben and his would-be-beloveds to perform in…and the kids got to audition the women, and then choose which roles they would play. Last weeks Tampon Warrior Jenna was cast as the wizard (complete with beard), and guess who the kids chose to be the dragon? Les-bully Monica got her one memorable scene in when her character in the play, the dragon, got to blow the sheep costume Ben was wearing off of him. Yes, the kids wrote that…I have my suspicions that someone’s parent with a wine induced joke may have been the inspiration for that scene though…just a thought.


gingerbread mancougar


When they are all back at Ben’s house, Jennifer manages to get Ben away from the group, and they share some echoey kisses in the hot tub, but as soon as Ben rejoins the group, Blakeley gets him alone in the pool and kisses him (with Jennifer watching from behind some bushes). Blakeley quickly went from being the object of Monica’s affections, to the most universally hated woman in the house. The lesbian theme has apparently been dropped in favor of all the women calling one woman a whore. Great… Since Blakeley had been cast in the play as the gingerbread man, Samantha got in the night’s most memorable quote: “What do you get when you cross a gingerbread man and a hooker? Blakeley.” Ben awarded a rose to Blakeley that night, guaranteeing the alliance of the women against her. In addition to being called a hooker, Blakeley was also referred to as a cougar by some of the other contestants…who consider 34 to be old. Moving right along.



Jack Russel Terrier



Ben then chose Courtney the model for a one-on-one date and, instead of a romantic empty movie theatre, the setting for their date was a picnic in a redwood forest with Ben’s dog Scotch. Scotch had a lot more aww moments than Courtney…and it seemed like the little fella was trying to tell Ben something. He whined when Courtney came near him, and started shivering right before Ben leaned in to kiss her. Ben! Dude! Listen to the dog! Courtney’s true colors came out before their date, when she received the date card from Ben and asked Kacie (who had to read it to her), “How did that taste coming out of your mouth?” After the date, Ben seemed quite taken with Courtney, and wondered aloud to the camera if she was too good to be true, and questioned whether she was really the girl she was portraying herself as. Ben should listen to Scotch. Courtney didn’t spend her time after their date in la-la land about what a wonderful man Ben is; rather, she announced, “All the other girls should watch out. I got the rose.” But the other women vying for Ben’s heart have their sights set on Blakeley as the girl to watch out for, not Courtney…bad mistake.



rose with dew drops



At the end of the episode rose ceremony, Jenna the tampon warrior and Shawn were sent packing. Shawn we never got to know, but Jenna…ah, Jenna, the crazed fellow blogger with a furrowed little brow, will be missed.


Sarah Warden is the author of the novel Three Fifths of Love, available as an ebook from Amazon


Image of cougar is in the public domain. Image of rose with dew drops by Kango (Own work) [GFDL ( or CC-BY-SA-3.0-2.5-2.0-1.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons. Image of Jack Russell Terrier by Fotograf: Steffen Heinz (Caronna) Aufgenommen am 24.4 in Monschau- Mützenich, Deutschland auf einen Agitity Tounier Source: C:\Bildtemp\höfen-mützenich {{GFDL}} Category:Dogs\). Image of gingerbread man by tharrin ( [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons. Image of Sonoma Valley by Missvain (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons. Use of these images does not imply any endorsement of the views expressed in this article

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entertainment, tv, the bachelor

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