...which means I'm actually fat.  I has really dawned on me recently that I am a fat fatty fatterton.  How does that make me Michigan Skinny?  This is a phrase my oft-foot-in-mouth hubby used to describe me when we were in San Diego visiting his brother.  I had double Spanks (aka good-ole-girdle) on under my very midwest denim skirt and we went to a fairly chic wine bar. The first difference we noticed was the non-smoking, which needs to come to Michigan ASAP, but I sat there for a while trying to figure out what felt off.  

 It was then that I realized that I was the fattest girl in the room.  I had never experienced this phenomenon before, as I am a midwesterner and there is a legitimately different standard of fatness between us and California.

So a few girdled years later and I am 30 pounds heavier than I was then and am now legitimately chubby even by midwestern standards.  Its been a pattern of loose 5 gain 6 for a few years now, and I have all the Weight Watchers documentation I need to prove it.

 (Just hopped over to the WW website and cancelled my account, I need a break.)

I have come into recent realization of my fattyness over the last few weeks, especially after I cut 8 inches off of my hair, it just seemed logical to donate it as it wasn't serving any real purpose.  I now have the shortest hair that I have experienced in 15 years, and its weird.  I feel like it makes everything else look bigger.  I also can't wear my wedding ring right now and that has always seemed to me to be the biggest indication of post-marital sloth.  My dear hubbeie was a dear and got me this gloriously gaudy/sparkly cocktail ring from the Swovarski crystal store for Christmakkah, and it is very large...its proportional I guess.  Its just not the same as the engagement ring he had designed for me himself.

I am lucky I have a very forgiving wardrobe of wrap dresses, long sweaters and stretchy work pants.  And I understand fashion enough to know what makes me look "good" etc.  

 Its just when I look in the mirror, I don't recognize that chubby, short haired person.  I know that I am not bareatric fat, not even Lane Bryant fat.  I did go into LB the other week and was fascinated by all the cute, flattering clothes for larger women.  

 I used to be thin enough to go on stage in front of hundreds of people in a leotard, I did A Chorus Line in college, and used to audition for shows in what would now amount to underwear.  My stage mom knew how to work it.  I am a good singer and even auditioned for the second season of Amerian Idol (only 2 callbacks, the chubby was already creeping up on me).  I recently went to the rounds of auditions for regional theater and most people whom I have worked with for years didn't seem to recognize me. 

 Boy do I not want to turn into a failed actress whiner.  Stage shoes hurt my feet and many actresses were catty bitches.  I have a cuddly hubbie and I can have as much fun at my job teaching history to 15 year olds and I could ever want.  

Every couple of weeks though a student will ask me in front of the entire class if I am pregnant, and I get to say "No, just chubby" and their mortification is almost worth it.