Lady Gaga's latest music video, "Telephone," premiered last week, and as it quickly became the hottest thing since (and including) sliced bread, I suppose it's not much surprise that the video and commentary on it showed up everywhere. The crowning achievement of bizarre commentary, however, goes to the Atlantic's "culture channel," where writer Aylin Zafar promises "a frame-by-frame analysis" of the nearly ten minute video.

This cannot go without mocking. "Telephone" (which is truly, and I say this from experience, Not Safe For Work -- as are some of the pictures that follow) isn't exactly crying out for the type of English-class analysis that the Atlantic brings, unless that class is doing a unit on Fun Dance Videos that Want to Sell You Stuff (of which this would be maybe a supplementary video, after, say, any Kanye West production).

But if we're going to try and lend meaning to a thing that seems to just want to tell a fun story, why don't we make the story about something we like?

I present "Telephone," Lady Gaga's newest argument for the passage of the Obama health care bill.

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Here we have Gaga entering Prison, also known as "Life Without Health Care." It will be Hobbesian: Nasty, Brutish, and Short.

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In fact, she's quickly stripped of even the slimmest protection she has against the world (COBRA), and left defenseless and alone.

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Eventually, she strikes a deal that allows some relief: she signs with Blue Cross Blue Shield, symbolized by the triangular headphone (which looks like a shield), but is soon a prisoner, chained by their exorbitant rate increases.

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Though the Atlantic says, "Her smoking glasses are a cloudy veil that obstructs her view of reality, allowing her to base her feelings on senses alone, blurring the genders of the women around her," I see this as a bid to perhaps find a partner with better health care. Gaga, after all, clearly has a smoking habit, and cessation programs aren't cheap.

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The price of coverage is high, though; what you must do to maintain it can make you a stranger even to yourself, a prickly, coked-up stranger.

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Then, after all that effort to get on a plan, Gaga finds that she's not going to be accepted after all because she has a pre-existing condition. Her body is literally a crime scene, wrapped in tape the health insurance companies won't cross. She is again exposed, which is terrible, since her smoking habit seems to have been replaced with an eating disorder.

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Finally, Gaga is freed from the health care prison, again armed and dressed and ready to dance in the world. Her friend Honey Bee picks her up in the Pussy Wagon, clearly a "fuck you" to Bart Stupak and a sign that HCR should pass without stripping women of any rights.

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Now that she has health care, Gaga can take risks, like eating pre-packaged foods filled with preservatives.

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Gaga, clearly starving, and Honey Bee travel to a diner, where Honey Bee's abusive partner is waiting.

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Gaga returns to the day job she once hated (how do I know she's returning? How else would she get a job there a few days out of jail?). But she doesn't really need the job any more, because she has health care thanks to the passage of health care reform!

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She puts poison in the syrup. Much like when Republicans tried to poison health care reform, there's no real reason for this other than spite.

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No reconciliation here!

Instead, we see a woman freed from a relationship she was clinging to only because her partner had good benefits. Hooray!

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The Atlantic: "Thus begins the epic dance break—celebrating a new America. An America that steers away from gender constructs. An America where you don't have to wear pants!"

An America with health insurance!

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Beyonce says, "Call your Senators! Tell them to vote to pass health care reform!"

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Lady Gaga is now fully covered. And leonine. In fact, this outfit is meant to mock Aetna, which also features a person with one bare arm as their logo:

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At the end, we see Lady Gaga and Honey Bee fully covered -- by health insurance -- and victorius. They are going to brave the big bad world together, without entangling employer- or partner-provided health care.

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