The most ardent film buff I ever knew was a writer friend named Jim, who lived in a bungalow in West Hollywood. Jim had worked as a tour guide at Universal Studios, and out of boredom once dropped his pants and mooned the mechanical "Jaws" shark as it rushed the tram.… Read full post »

Much as “awesome” was last year’s default reply to “What did you think of the movie,” and “How are the entrées tasting so far,” this year’s bedraggled descriptor is “perfect.” Especially in ad copy.

Pants are routinely described on… Read full post »


2013 Hyundai Veloster

2013 Hyundai Veloster

Harpo Marx

Harpo Marx

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APRIL 28, 2013 9:48PM

Bibliographic Traffic

by Jeff Sawyer

While waiting to learn whether the Discovery Fit & Health network’s new series “I Was Impaled” will be hosted by Pierce Brosnan, I’ve been degusting (savoring) a 672-page fascicle (book) by Peter E. Meltzer called “The Thinker&Read full post »

“I had a million-dollar idea last night,” my neighbor Ted told me, leaning on his rake.

His last million-dollar baby was intended to provide the benefits of a Mediterranean diet in a creamy dessert. Pesto Tapioca is the reason Ted now has to do spring yard cleanup without help from guysRead full post »

1. Greenwich, Connecticut

Credit Default Swaps – financial swap agreement that seller will compensate the buyer in the event of a loan default or other credit event.

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2. Detroit

Cavities.

th-2

3. London

Giant Monty Python Foot

th

4.

$2.42 – average cash /

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by Jeff Sawyer 

1. The reason you can’t name all of the state capitals (or whether it’s spelled capitals or capitols) is that your brain has finite space and some of it is still being used to store the Mannix Theme you saw in 1967. It is pretty memorable as T/Read full post »


SONY DSC

by jeff sawyer

Build-a-Snare Workshop

Kids turn razor-edged steel cables into small animal leg traps that are deployed in the vacant lot behind the mall. When a raccoon, squirrel or vermin is snared, friendly staff help kids stuff it and paint it and name it and box it and

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JANUARY 1, 2013 9:49PM

2012: The Year in Tweets

 

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It’s only a matter of time before a food critic goes with the headline, “50 Grades of Chez.”

Most Pugs will yield gas without fracking.

Fat guys need to stop saying "That's how I roll."Â

TO SUBSCRIBE: https://twitter.com/sawyerspeaks

But wait – ther
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DECEMBER 14, 2012 11:11PM

Ready, Aim, Think

Guns should be designed to fire backwards once in a while, so you really have to be invested in the decision.  Read full post »


$15.9 Billion USPS Deficit Expected to Vanish by Tomorrow

 

 

Washington, D.C. – Calling it the greatest invention since email, Postmaster 5-Star General Betrayus today unveiled the nation’s first-ever Instant Win Forever Stamp.

“Simply scratch

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5. Bungee Bill

4. Hurtling Herb

3. 401(K)aput

2. Hey China’s At the Door and Wants A Trillion Dollars by Thursday

1. KarCrashian

Read full post »

There are 7 days in the week, and on 5 of them we go to work. This simple fact is the principle behind, the catalyst for, the substrate (if you’re a fan of Tommy Silva on This Old House) of, the 5/7ths rule.

It could have been called the 2/7ths rule,Read full post »

There are 7 days in the week, and on 5 of them we go to work. This simple fact is the principle behind, the catalyst for, the substrate (if you’re a fan of Tommy Silva on This Old House) of, the 5/7ths rule.

It could have been called the 2/7ths rule,Read full post »

OCTOBER 27, 2012 10:36PM

Halloween in Santa Monica

Recently I spent a few days in a decidedly upscale neighborhood in Santa Monica on a photo shoot.

Homes in the area were being professionally decorated for Halloween by companies that apparently do this for a living. There were two-story ghouls being hung from palm trees, full-size coffins being con

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OCTOBER 13, 2012 10:56PM

HOW the POST OFFICE can SAVE THE WORLD

When you toss an empty shampoo bottle into a recycling bin and drag it to the curb, that bottle begins a ponderous journey during which it is sorted, shredded, melted and remanufactured into something else.

Which, some experts say, can use more energy than creating a new bottle from scraRead full post »

OCTOBER 6, 2012 8:36PM

THE

Client Review 
SawyerSpeaks Advertising

 Product under review:

“THE”

THE

“I don’t know – ‘the’ is concise and all that, but will people understand it?”

“I ran it by my husband last night and he sure didn’t get it. And he’s anRead full post »

SEPTEMBER 16, 2012 11:01AM

5 Reasons I'd Make a Lousy Spy


smiley face spy camera

5. Spies sneak up on, I trundle over to

4. Sorry, #4’s a secret. Nope, no can do. Oh alright I’ll tell you but just don’t say anything OK?

3. Pie not served a la mode? Now that’s torture

2. My secret agent is brewe

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AUGUST 18, 2012 6:44PM

Guidance Office


Office of Richard Hentschler, Career Counselor
Franklin B. Madison High School
Farmton, New Hampshire

May 29, 1974

“You enjoy meeting and touching strangers. You will either become a physician or do 30 years in the state penitentiary,” said Mr. Hentschler, leafing through one of a

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It's The Three Stooges in Calling All Critics! 

As it might be written by Aaron Sorkin, creator of The West Wing and Newsroom.

Interior: the elegant ballroom of a fine Victorian mansion. A few dozen Wall Street elites socialize over cocktails after dinner, the me/

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JULY 14, 2012 7:04PM

Art Fair


So here we are together under your white canopy.

I stand looking at your art.

You sit looking at me.

The sun looks for us both, impatient to draw anything living out of the shade and savage it.

Your work, this distillation of your soul, your 50 years

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5. BOOM BOOM OUCH OUCH NURSE NURSE! Pack of 12

4. THE DISEMBOWLER, WITH REPORT

3. KEROSENE-FILLED BOUNCY HOUSE

2. GREEK CANDLE (LIKE ROMAN CANDLE, BUT IMPLODES)

And the most dangerous fireworks of all…

1. SPARKLERS Read full post »

JUNE 30, 2012 11:26PM

sinking


The 1 percent is doing fine,
Not so much the 99;

Tough to care who’s on the brink,
When washing your hands in an aquarium sink.

Beware of little expenses; a small leak will sink a great ship.
Benjamin Franklin

Armaments, universal debt, and planned obsolescence – those are the three

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JUNE 1, 2012 10:17PM

It Could Be the Beret.


Permission Granted

Is this sandwich for eating?

Yes it is.

Might I eat some of it?

Indeed.

It is quite delicious.

Good.

Might I now extract the nutrients internally to burn as energy today?

Yes.

I see there is a pickle.

There is a pickle.

And chips over

Read full post »

By Jeff Sawyer

I was in the men’s room at the Norske Nook  pie restaurant in Osseo, Wisconsin last weekend, en route to a daughter’s Eau Claire graduation where a very funny writer named Michael Perry would give the kids advice I bet no other grad in th/

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