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JANUARY 1, 2013 9:49PM

2012: The Year in Tweets

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It’s only a matter of time before a food critic goes with the headline, “50 Grades of Chez.”

Most Pugs will yield gas without fracking.

Fat guys need to stop saying "That's how I roll."

TO SUBSCRIBE: https://twitter.com/sawyerspeaks

But wait – there’s more!  

They say the Chinese economy has peaked. And an hour later we’re hungry again.

I think the dry cleaner steampunked my shirts.

Friend’s complaint of becoming invisible to women when he turned 50 fails to resonate with man invisible to women since birth.

“Continuity is overrated,” Dan remarked, adding that continuity was underrated.

“What should we do today!?” I asked the wife, with buoyant good cheer on this brisk December morn. “We should go to work,” she replied.

Wendy’s has a contest to design a t-shirt for them. What about a 3XL tee with a pair of defib paddles?

A judge just ordered Lindsay Lohan to sign a Grover Norquist pledge.

First wake-up call ever: ˝Up-and-Adam-and-Eve!˝

Cheney’s Old Heart Really Looking Forward to Return of Mad Men

Mmmm, I smell scratch-n-sniff khakis!

Newt? Moot.

Text Messaging is 20 years old. Let’s all bow our heads.

Text Messaging was invented 20 years ago. L Old L

Santa Claus exists. Tommy Bahama does not.

I’m so white, when Rosa Parks saw me, she stood up.

“Excuse me, where are the “A” batteries?” That should hold ‘em for a while.

YES, I’m still listening, Pandora/wife.

Guns should be designed to fire backwards once in a while, so you really have to be invested in the decision.

“Don’t get short with me!” Perlman warns Devito.

Barcode inventor checks out

Lightning Strikes Killer Bees

Exhumed Arafat Remains Contain Nothing But Twinkies

This Whole Foods cashier is a High Priestess.

My bailiwick is not in my wheelhouse.

There is a flash mob in my pants.

Agoraphobia cure? Motor home.

Kind of want to go see the movie “Jeff, Who Lives at Home” but don’t like going out

Good people doing good things, that’s what life is all about. Also Free Shipping.

Waiting for a J.C. Penney sale now is like waiting for Godot.

Tried to recycle my old recycling bin, but it was the wrong kind of plastic.

Stores should celebrate President’s Day with savings of some kind.

The bad news: cat #1 threw up. The good news: cat #2 was REALLY hungry.

Little People Showering Under Purell Wall Dispensers

Twitter is society’s Clift notes. Sorry that took so long.

Never saw a paramedic do CPR with a sledge hammer before.

Baha’í is an expression of world religion and Jerry Lewis.

Do people ever die expectedly from unnatural causes? You only hear about it happening the other way around.


Pi day increases my circumference.

Google returns no exact results for “Sacrificial Wit.”

Hanging out in the guest house beside the heated pool watching a movie in the home theater, none of which we have so I must be lost again.

Thanks to the audience in Chicago last night. Sorry I couldn’t be there.

I could use another Progressive Insurance ad right about now-never mind

Lead poisoning in pewter dishes drove wealthy Romans mad. America’s downfall will be traced to the aloe in our toilet paper.

Many Celebrity Tweets read like high school yearbook notes between cheerleaders, saccharine secrets you wish they would just keep.

Periodical Editors: any time you don’t want me to read a page, just put a photo of a bat on it somewhere.

Why don’t these slim-fit jeans come in a 42 waist?

Grandpa just faxed me his ipad screen.

Down east state famous for large marine crustacean with cylindrical body, stalked eyes, five pairs of limbs endorses Romney.

Is there a sound app that guys with shy bladders can use at public urinals? iFlush?

My entropy has atrophied.

Listen up, kids: the 1 millionth person to follow me wins a snowblower.

The 5-Hour Energy inventor is a Buddhist. How does he sit still?

Irv vows to halve his Febreze budget in 2012, and a semipermeable troposphere of Rain Meadow Poo enshrouds his condo’s olive-green bathroom.

“People are going fast and running into things.” – high school driving instructor

Went to lumber store and asked for board one-and-three-quarters by three-and-three-quarters. The man said, ˝That’s a two by four.˝ Ran away.

˝You just can’t find good pleh anymore.˝ – Dyslexia Recruitment Manager

Tumor Has 140 Pound Woman Removed

A Wisconsin man plead guilty to killing his parents because they wouldn’t give him $5 for gas. The judge gave him life plus fiver.

The Packers are sinking faster than Ricky Gervais’ fangs into Steven Merchant’s ˝little person˝

Madison, WI man changes name from Jeffrey Wilschke to Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop, arrested for carrying weapon. What, a thesaurus?

“That and $4.50 will get you a cup of coffee.” – snappy comeback update

Saturday Night Live teleprompters hypnotize actors until they can’t look away. It’s like going to a reading.

There are no aliens in Foxholes.

Confusing Binaca for Visine is a mistake you won’t make twice.

Hostess Twinkies Files for Chapter 11, Little Debbie Resorts to Ho Ho’ing Ding Dongs

You kids and your fancy . When I was your age, we only had ChuckleFax.

You kids can play skin tag if you don’t wake up grampa.

It might be worth becoming a celebrity just to name your kid Tapioca.

Facebook must be a very busy place if your last name is “Like.”

PUNKsatawny Phil would stay in his hole smoking Kents and spreading leftist ideologies.

˝This ain’t my first rodeo,˝ says man at his first rodeo.

I’ll be your anarchist if I don’t have to disturb anyone.

Demi Moore didn’t see her shadow – six more weeks of celery.

Topical Cream Substitutes Heat, Pain for Pain

Drunk Zamboni driver to cops: ˝I thought it was an ice cube maker.˝

Give a man a fish and you’ve taught him Hey, free fish.

Mayan Update: what ends the world is the advent of deodorant heaters – little electric cradles that warm your Gilette for maximum comfort.

Who else needs slacks!?!

Why do all the CEO’s interviewed on CNBC look constipated? Lack of moral fiber.

This pasta needs more elbow.

These days you’d need Google Maps to find MapQuest.

If the Mayans were wrong, but you happen to be dying on 12/21/12 anyway, you’ll be thinking, ˝Why is it always just me?˝

And, with the delicate ˝plop!˝ of eyeglasses breaking toilet water fulcrum, his day was complete.

We’re not tipping you 20% to reward good service, Karl, we’re tipping you 20% because we can’t calculate 18% in our head.

Rough year for any Wisconsinite who works as a Rewall Caulker.

How are the first bites, indeed.

When somebody says, ˝A picture is worth a thousand words,˝ I always reply, ˝Can you say that without using words?˝

Programmed my Mac to shut down automatically when emails arrive that read, “Introducing a new line of apparel from rapper…”

I like the way Cracker Barrel works the customer into its name.

Hey, this skywriting kit is nothing but a trampoline and a flare

The Potato Growers Association is dropping Suzy Favor-Hamilton as a spokesperson because she was an escort. Maybe let her keep the IdaHo.

A good sign: just saw a Myan subscribing to the fruit-of-the-month club.

Japanese lipo doctor’s slogan: 2 dolla make you smalla.

Car 54 Located.

I can’t believe they colorized Wheel of Fortune.

I don’t care how much soothing aloe you infuse in my TP, Cottonelle, if I can’t get the first sheet started, it’s a no-go.

Clearing the end of the driveway so I can go pay the property taxes that fund the plow driver who blocks the end of the driveway. 

 

© 2013 Jeff Sawyer 

Author tags:

comedy, open+call, twitter

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