Well, at least you knew where to go in Kansas. It had to be Topeka. Domestic violence is illegal all over the state, it's just that Topeka has run into an enforcement problem of a local anti-domestic violence ordinance due to budgetary considerations.

You're not going to need the weapon with Terri in the slammer anyway. By the way, has she read this?

Move her to California where smoking is nearly illegal. Very clever way to highlight the ridiculousness. As long as you keep replenishing her MP3 songs I see no problem with your conduct in this manner.

In California, as far as I know, the DV laws are very much in favor of denying all rights to those accused, from the start. Their is rampant abuse i.e using it for custody battles or revenge etc. I understand its the same in Michigan, Masachussets, and elsewhere, so the story probably is more complicated.

Scanner, I hadn't heard about this until reading your post! Wow, domestic violence and Kansas...who'd have 'thunk' it would come down to this?

Kosher, I lucked up. I've been to, and thru Kansas one time and didn't see a tree until I got to Cheyenne, WY. Anytime I can spotlight what is going on in Kansas, with Divine Intervention, burning book, domestic violence, etc., I do it. You really have to love torture to live there, but all you Kansas people, please don't write me, most of the people there are great. It's the powerful few who blow it for everyone.

Fernsy, Yeah, I hear the next thing in California is the Death Penalty if you're caught smoking in a public park. Man, that's a tough law, hah!

Don't worry about your wife I'll bail her out for you and buy her a beer!

BTW did you run into Fay while you were there? I guess she had similar feelings about Kansas.

;-)

Its all pretty insane... but anywhere that allows you to carry guns... well..%^&&*&%^&..
Thats my opinion..
HUGGGGGGGGGGG

They always go for the nuts brother. All of that work fixing up the trunk and you forgot to take out the tire tool? Maybe you needed a smoke of a different nature.

Kosher, yeah she read it, and laughed, thank God, hah!
D, they claim they have no money, so they let the one's already convicted out of jail. It's insane!
Zack, no, but I read her Breakdown post and almost had one reading it.
Linda, did you see where they got the guy the other day, drunk and driving with a large pistol, that sponsored the bill to carry guns in Atlanta. Idiots!
Bob, I can't think of everything. Hell I was drunk at the time,. I could never do that sober, hah!

Don't be discouraged yourself. There are better things to smoke than tobacco ;D.

Of all the ScanMan posts, this one "takes the cake". You managed to get a whole host of things going in a very short space. This one has to make the "Best of Scanner" list!

Oh Scanner you are a hoot! Sorry about Terri, but she's a small sacrifice to have some company here. Come on over. I've got plenty of band-aids and peroxide. :)

A wife in the trunk and Hank Jr on the stereo. Right on. Rated with rats and a tire iron.

goin ta kanzas
ta beat my ol ladys ass

my brother shaved his head in high school - he had conned my mother into agreeing to quit smoking if he did - well - she didn't - and died of lung cancer -

Wait! Isn't smoking an assault with a deadly weapon? Isn't it illegal to attempt suicide? You can totally work this man, totally work this. Your nuts may be tender, but trust me, you will want to wait until she has gotten past the "I can't take it and going to hit you with a tire iron stage" next time around. Kinky sex is fun, but kinked sex organs, not so fun.

As Robbie Burns is reputed to have said:

“The beste laid plans o’ mice and men, gang oft aglay...”

Which seems to mean something like;

“Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong”, as Mr. Murphy says, it's a natural law.

Note: For about 10% of smokers the addiction is stronger than a hard drug addiction. Quitting for that 10% is impossible until they are ready. Ready does NOT mean “when they want to.” I’ve spent a small fortune trying to quit; acupuncture, acupressure, tablets, patches, hypnotism, deprivation, electronic timers, filters, aversion therapy, you name it - I’ve tried it. The addiction remains......

.

Will you be visiting Fay Paxton. She just loves Kansas. HA! Sorry Fay, I couldn't resist. Could this country get any more stupid? -R-

Next time you decide to drive to Kansas to *discipline* your lovely wife, remove all the tools from the trunk and wear a cup, okay? I hope Terri can find a way to give up the smokes.

Lezlie

You make marriage sound exciting. I might try it some day. You two are a smokin' hot couple ;)

L said it all and the best! Hang in there~~~~~

Women of Kansas, time to teach your man to pick up after himself, take him to Topeka for dinner and whup his butt!

Go Terri, go Terri, go Terri...

OMG, Scanner! This is so clever and incredible. Like Designanator, I didn't know any of this either. You are teaching me so much - painlessly! :o)
♥R

I read about that Kansas domestic violence issue too. How terrible can Kansas get towards women? The lawful right to chose is all but gone due to restrictions on clinics, and now women can be beaten without recourse. Maybe it should be a male only state, like a gentleman's club.

3 months? Do the cravings stop at 3 months? I know they don’t lessen one bit after a full week. Kansas is really an evil place isn’t it?

Hilarious, except for the true dilemma of Terri's unfortunate addiction.
Wish you both the best!

There is a piece on here today about smokers, "If You Smoke" by Vivian Henoch...have her read it. If that doesn't make her quit...

Yours was funny, Vivian's was not.

Did you notice much of a difference in your gas mileage between driving to Kansas with Terri in the trunk and your drive back to NC without her?

Your titles are so bland.... :) RATED!

Ha! Very funny. Yet, you know that quitting smoking is extremely hard. Actually, what fernsy said about moving to California is so true. R

sorry dear scanner. the "modest proposal" imagination you apply is mighty, but I can't begin to laugh with this one. the persona of someone so cavalier about domestic violence is too chilling and can be enjoyed too readily also by the real yahoos who are hair trigger with their domestic violence and stunningly cavalier about it. Even for the sake of satire aimed at such an important issue it distresses me. Appreciate your bravado as always, but can not get through the gravity of its reality to the humor. sorry. libby

Libby, I'd bet a new penny you are a ball to be around. I bet you laugh so much that....,wait, I was talking about Linda, sorry Libby. I know your sense of humor went south a long time ago. You can fix a lot of things with satire and humor, ask Will Rogers and Mark Twain. Lighten up Libby, as J. Geils say's, "Serves you right to suffer baby, you gonna live a long time', hah~~~

Do you have a brother? Is he single? Oh I don't care if he's single or not, just have him call me, RIGHT NOW. I'm sitting in my driveway smoking a cigarette, the trunk's cleaned out and I've got a shiny brand new tire iron. Tell him to come on over, I'm ready for a road trip.

Scanner, man... the love in this post still shines through amidst the debris. Having watched- and waited through my brother-in-law's living nightmare with lung cancer over the past 10 weeks -- we all only wish a good punch could have saved his life.

In my 20's I was admitted to the hospital with a minor eye injury -- no harm to me, but for two days and nights I listened to my roommate: dying of lung cancer. Enough to keep me off cigarettes for the rest of my life. I was fortunate, never to have had to lick the habit. It's a hard one to beat.

For breathing free and easy, for piece of mind, for vascular health and general well-being, (and perhaps for quitting smoking) may I recommend: yoga?

scanner, misogyny can be camouflaged well sometimes, even while protesting misogyny. not accusing you of that in this case, but raising a point about those grooving on your satire for vicarious and misogynistic reasons. just like racists loved all in the family. BTW, sometimes I am a lot of fun to be around. sometimes, definitely not so much. i stand by my gut reaction. i remember the old feminist joke that maybe can be applied to me now. how many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? answer: that is not funny! i laughed at that joke and understood it. but being a woman and the age I am, my reaction was what it was to your satire. unsettled. figured you could handle the honesty. you are strong and courageous clearly as a writer. i admire that. sometimes your risks don't work with me. being different genders plays in to this situation strongly. so be it. best, libby

That'll teach you to lock her in the trunk without cigarettes, I'll bet.

good thing you took her lighter away or you would have been in the burn center, and she would have drove home, with a tire iron in one hand, just in case : D

Great post. A good satire on the terrible ruling they made and the difficulty too of giving up smoking. Corporate addiction for profit. You smoke, the win, big. Then, you might die. Bad for you, they just move on to the next customer. If Terry won't listen, there is not much you can do. Maybe have her read this and Vivian's post today. Best to you Scan man.

Yeah, with my wifey, there'd be no way in hell I'd open that trunk up after getting there!! ~:D

RATED!

Terri may smoke, but she knows how to use a tire iron! =o)

I think the flatness of the landscape MUST have something to do with the shrinking intellectual quotient that Kansas laws exemplify.
Stand on a tuna can and watch your wife leave you for three straight days!
rated

In part as a response to the violence perpetrated by cowboys, on February 19, 1881 Kansas became the first U.S. state to adopt a Constitutional amendment prohibiting all alcoholic beverages.


odd f-ing fact about Kansas, but instructive.


lissen man u do what a Man gotta do.
we all behind u, yer brothers.
spare the fists,
spoil the f-ing wench, yah?

An unpleasant truth presented in your own, unique way.

Maybe she can quit smoking in the hoosegow. If all else fails do like Nick Nolte in that movie, what was it called, where he wanted to kick drugs and had his room mate handcuff him to the bed and said, "no matter how much I beg and puke, don't unlock those cuffs for 2 weeks," or something like that.

Could you beat my husband, just for fun?