I woke up to a blinding bright light and had to close my eye as fast as I opened it. My eye? I opened it again, slowly, and found I could see out of only one eye. I tried to move my neck, but couldn't. Frightened now, I tried to get up but could not move a muscle in my body. I heard voices in in the room but had no idea where I was or how I got there. It was then that I heard the strangest thing. "The tattoo is of the Dude from the movie "The Big Lebowski" but the name says Scanner. What do you think it means, House?"
"Foreman, do I look psychic? I swear you're dumber today that when I hired you. What's wrong with the moron and why should I even be here? This better be good, I have a soap starting any minute, so talk fast" said the voice that I now recognized from the hit televison show,'House'. Something was damn sure wrong in Denmark!
"He was found laying in an alley. By the looks of him, he's as poor as a church mouse and looks like a drug addict. The weird thing is, he has all of these tattoos! He has them everywhere but on his neck and face. His body is filled with names or weird quotes. He is literally covered in them."
"Why should I care about a bum found in an alley? This has no interest to me. Obviously he was mugged and someone stole his change. I'll be in my office. Try to find me a case worth my time, expertise and interest."
"Look House, he's awake. He's moving one eye. 'Hey, you in there, mister?' Foreman asked. Yeah, I was in there, but how in the hell did I get here, to the famous Dr. House's hospital in Boston. The last thing I remember I was drinking in a bar in North Carolina. Now I was a vegetable in a hospital in Hollyweird. How did I get here, and how in the hell do I get out?
"Well, 13, what say you? said House. "You've been reading him since I came in, especially his lower extremities. He must be well-hung for you to take an immediate interest"
"House, when they invented assholes you must have stood in line twice. Yes, he happens to be a very well-hung gentleman, but I'm also reading these hundreds of names he has tattooed all over this beautiful body. Some of them are names, and some seem to be nicknames. Look.'Kathy Knechtges, Behind Blue Eyes, RicTresa, Kind of Blue, bobbot, micalpeace, LadyMiko, tr ig, Chicago Guy, James M. Emmerling, Chuck A. Stetson,' and on and on. Oh, and look House, there's that stalker that you had arrested. OEsheepdog. Didn't he compare you to that fat detective, Nero Wolfe?"
"Yes, he did, and he's a damn idiot. I had to get a restraining order to keep him from following me around. Chase, go to where they found him, check him out."
"Oh, come on House, not me. How come I always get the perverts? I bet he lives in a box in some alley somewhere."
"You are in line to become my top idiot, Chase. Google some of the names. Surely, some of them have a profile. Try, zumalicious, Con Chapman, Brazen Princess, JALI 17, Miguela Holt y Roybal, Susie Lindau, Damon E. Walters, LammChops, CreekEnd UK, Michelle Coulter, Margaret Feike, The Songbird, Elijah Rising, bluestocking babe, daisy jane smithie or this mhold person. They sound like a bunch of shady characters, some of them must be felons and have a prison record!"
"Dammit House, just because this guy has tattoo's everywhere, doesn't mean he's a bum. He is a very handsome man. I'd do him in a second". said 13.
"You'd do the night janitor and his sister in a second, 13, now, finish writing down the tattoo's. Someone has to know this human ink-stain."
"Help me turn him over Foreman, let me see his backside. Oh, look at that ass, nice and tight for an old man. Like I said, I would do him. 'Hey, you in there. If House can fix you, you and I have a date with destiny." 13 whispered into my ear.
"OK, write these down Foreman. 'skypixie0, L'Heure Bleue, LuminousMuse, Brassawe, snarkychaser, Jerry DeNuccio, lschmoopie, A Persistent Muse, RomanticPoetess, Bellwether Vance, Linda Seccaspina, Susan Creamer Joy, zanelle, Cranky Cuss, Erica K, Oryoki Bowl, Jack Heart, L in the Southeast, Seer, Jonathan Wolfman, cindy Prochnow, Sarah Cavanaugh, Fay Paxton, torrito, Catherine Forsythe .' Man, who is this guy. My hand is hurting. I'm not writing them all down. Let's get a few more and Google the ones we have so far"
"OK, OK, wussy" said 13. "Hey, you, Scanner, or Dude, or whoever you are, who are these wierd-ass people you have tattooed all over your body? You some kind of weirdo? I like the weird stuff, especially if it involves a three-way, you game? Hahaha".
"13, we haven't got all day. Get a few more and let's get going. House will blow a gasket if this guy dies. Not because he dies, but because he didn't figure out why. Get a few more and let's move" an irritated Foreman said.
"OK, OK, I was just kidding around. Let's see, Little Kate, fernsy, Bernadine Spitzsnogel, Leepin' Larry, Matt Paust, ThroughMyEyes, SheilaTGTG55, The Good Daughter, Abrawang, Scarlett Sumac, trilogy, Sparking, sagemerlin, Jeff L. Howe, Linnnn, Andy Wolf, Mimetalker, Algis Kemezys, AtHomePilgrim, ccdarling, Placebostudman, Thoth, Foolish Monkey, Art James, Boanerges1, koshersalaami, Lunchlady 2, alsoknownas, cartouche and dirndl skirt. That's more than enough, don't you think? There's hundred's more and he barely has a spot left to fit another name."
"Yeah, this is a weird one. Who are these freaky-ass people? I'll tell you what, let's get the last ones on his ass and tell House we got them all. You know House, he won't be back in here again anyway. We'll find out all we need to know with the tattoo's on his ass." said Foreman
"Alright" said 13, "I like looking at his fine-ass anyway. This guy is well-hung and with an ass like that, and those good lucks, he must be making some girl very happy. Let's see, 'mary gravitt, Leon Freilich, littlewillie, Just Thinking.., Snowden, Kimberley, old new lefty, bobbot, Kim Gamble, designanator, Fusun, Unbreakable, Walter Blevins, Chrissie Pissie, Cathy GF, Boomer Bob, Gabby Abby, Michael Rodgers, nanatehay, Tinkerertink69, Greg Correll, Dragonfly, Christine Geery, Natalie Not Pedantic, fireeyes24, and some freak called Harry's Ghost.' Let's get to work".
They walked out of the room and I could still only move one eye. I was being treated like a piece of meat but I couldn't help but think, I'd do 13 in a New York minute. I had to think, how did I get here? I don't know any of the people they claimed were tattooed on my body. I don't have a tattoo. Someone must have pulled a fast one?
"Hey, idiot, you in there"? It was House, and I knew then why everyone hated him. He was rude and his breath smelled like a garlic sandwich. "We just figured out what is wrong with you. 'Lysergic Acid Diethylamide" or LSD or Acid or any other name you stinking hippies used to call it. You're having one hell of a flashback."
I heard Chase say, "You mean the LSD he took thirty years ago put him into some kind of Twilight Zone?" House, then said, "Didn't you see the date under his armpit? 2/18/2008. I simply looked for missing persons on that date and Googled "Scanner" and found him. Simple, for me. You idiots would have been here a month, still writing down all the perverts names he has all over him. Give him a shot of Carisoprodol and 20 mg. of Valium, I want to talk to this nutjob".
The next thing I knew I was wide awake and moving around, which was a wonderful thing. I thought I was going to be mute and unable to move forever. House was standing by my bed, swinging his cane and throwing Vicodin in the air and catching them in his mouth. I had to admit, it was impressive watching him down Vicodin like he was eating M&M's.
"Well, Kenneth, if that is your real name?" said House. I said, "Of course it is, who said it wasn't. Where have I been and where's my wife and how did I get these tattoo's all over my body?" I had a thousand questions and it seemed like House, as usual, was the only one with all the answers.
"Slow down, before you bust a blood vessel" said House. "As near as I can figure, you had a flashback from all the acid you took as a kid". "Wait a minute" I said "How do you know I've ever done LSD". "Simple", he said "you still had one eye working. Only a person who has done massive amounts of LSD would ever have an eye react in that manner. Plus, I asked your wife. She said you consumed more drugs when you were younger than a Hoover vacuum cleaner in a Pfizer factory."
"OK, smart-ass" I said, "where have I been and who and what are these tattoo's?" "Again, Simpleton, someone slipped you some acid in a drink, or a beer in your case and combined with your earlier LSD use, wiped away your memory. You've been roaming the country for three years now. The tattoo's I'm not so sure of, but I think they were people you made up. They only exist, or did exist, in your mind. They are no more. Do you recognize any of the names now?
I looked down at the hundreds of names covering my body and recognized none of the names. What a trip. For three years I had been wondering the country, somehow eating and surviving. Somehow paying to have these crazy names tattooed on my body for some unknown reason. The thing was, I have no memory of it. Terri flew in the next day and was estastic I was back. She had been heartbroken, thinking her well-hung, good-looking hulk of a husband was with another woman. I assured her I had been faithful, but in reality, how was I to know?
As I was about to check-out of the hosptial, House collared me and wanted to talk in private. He asked "Do you know this OEsheepdog character. Don't lie, I can read a liar from a mile away." "No", I said.
"How would I know some Sheepdog person or whatever that is? I don't know any of the people tattooed on me. They're all just figments of my imagination, I guess. But somehow, House, I feel connected to them. It's all so strange. It's almost like I knew them in another life. Hey, maybe it's Reincarnation. I may have knew all these people in a past life. What about that House?
House looked at me and put his hand on my shoulder. He calmly looked me in the eyes and said, "You are the biggest fuckin' moron I have ever had the displeasure to diagnose. Get the hell out of my hospital."
If anyone reading this managed to make it to the end of this fantasy/fiction story, I thank you. Even if you didn't read it all and skipped to the bottom like Tink always does, I thank you anyway. It has been one hell of a ride for the last three years and I have met more wonderful people here, on OS, than I have anywhere else in my entire life. You have taught me to be a better person and I love you all for it. If you missed seeing your name, I'm sorry, I could not fit all the friends I have made into this dumb little story. That, or somehow you aren't on my favorites list for some reason and only the Ghosts in the Machines can figure that out. Computers, Pfffffff!!
Peace and Love to you all,
scanner~~
Third Blogaversary
2/18/2099 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~2/18/2012
I picked this particlar song for a couple of reasons. One, I have always loved them and think they are one of the most underrated bands of all time. Two, I listened to Thin Lizzy's "The Boy's Are Back" over and over and over again for two days the last time I used LSD. I begged the Gods to let me come down and I would never do acid again. I kept my word, at least from taking LSD. Thanks and Enjoy~
A Last Word
This is my first post on Open Salon. It was an Open Call called "What do you want for America's future"? It got O ratings and O comments. I have no idea if anyone even read it, I didn't know how to get to the front page. Yes, I was a computer moron and had only been using a computer for a few days. I bought a cheap PC off of Ebay for $85.oo, s&h included. My son hooked it up and left. I was lost but somehow stumbled onto Open Salon. One of the best days in my life. Thank you for putting up with me.
Kids at an Ice Cream Truck
When I was a small child, 5, 6 years old, my father would give me a nickle or dime to get an ice cream every afternoon. At exactly 4:30 p.m., without fail (except on Sunday) an ice cream truck would drive slowly down our street, music blaring, stopping every fifty ft. or so and delivering any kind of ice cream a kid could want. The whole neighborhood would come running out of their houses to get a cold ice cream on a hot day.
What has this got to do with America's future? The only problem I had as a kid was getting to the truck before they sold out of my favorite kind of ice cream. Future. What future? I just sat on the curb and licked my ice cream until it disappeared. This is the future I want for my children and and grandchildren.
Everywhere they look they see war. They see the men and women in Gaza being rushed to what appears to a hospital, but is really just a tent with one doctor if they are lucky, treating hundreds of men, women and children. My son asked me, "what's going on"? I can only tell him it is really a war that has been going on since Jesus first walked the Earth. What do I want for America and the rest of the world, because you can't talk about one with talking about the other? Man, I just want some PEACE~
I found you guys at the last minute, sorry
phyllis45's Bright Eyes, Rw005g, Dr. Ziggy Mütter-Job, odetteroulette, JoeBono, profkeck, another steve s, Patrick Hahn, CreekEnd UK, Zinged by Zook, Jersey Girl at Heart, Roger Fallihee, koshersalaami, Dr. William Lee a few more~~ Mary Stanik, dunniteowl, Belinda T.
If I missed anyone, I ask your forgiveness. I never update my favorites page and still have the first people I favored 3 years ago. I think I have 2 or 3 dead people still on my list. Thanks!
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Comments
"House, when they invented assholes you must have stood in line twice. Yes, he happens to be a very well-hung gentleman, but I'm also reading these hundreds of names he has tattooed all over this beautiful body. Some of them are names, and some seem to be nicknames. "
When I read this line, I laughed to myself and had no idea you would be naming people on OS when it struck me as damn funny. That is the unique nature of a good writer, you don't even know you are going to be surprised, it just happens! You are a great writer with a huge imagination and I like it. I like to see that surprise in writing. Thanks for being there.
Oh, and it was no mistake that you found OS. It was searching for you.
(it's been a smooth ride)
Very cool post - all these weird ass people get to enjoy your writing for a very long time
rated with love
HUGGGGGGGGGGG
I think my first two or three got zero comments and zero ratings as well. Lots of reads.
Three years, congrats. Don't you feel like you should be getting some sort of writer's chip like they give in AA and NA for being "in the program?" Maybe they only give out Writer's Blocks?
Happy 3rd and hope you have many more from here on out. You can't let "His Dudeness" down, scanner.
--r--
By the way some Parenting Magazines might like your "first". Kids...don't think about the future...they think about chocolate chip.
Write on McScanman, write on!!
.
Here's to many more years!
I just had a flash of all of us blogging from the nursing home. Nuts.
2. Thank you for naming me twice. (Now watch others go through the list to see if any of them got named more than once.)
3. House's hospital is in New Jersey, not Boston, though your trip may have resulted in a Psychic Relocation. Well, that's not where they film, but it is where the show is set. Princeton.
Careful you don't get blown up by a Figmentation Grenade. It's dangerous out here.
The trouble is, Scan, that if you're concerned about helping the new guys, you can't bury their names dozens of comments down where most of your readers will never find them and think that will do them any good. If you think she's good, do what I do and PM your friends to tell them that she's worth checking out.
We both get that this isn't about EP's. I'm damned proud of a lot of my writing and I can't tell you how many times I've gotten what I now call TSBAC's (pronounced TIZ backs), which stands for This Should Be A Cover comments. But, of course, they aren't; I've had two, one of them for a post I don't think is one of my better ones. I'm not here to write for the editors; I thank them for giving me a free place to write with an intelligent audience and move on. I write for guys like you and you read my writing, so I'm good. I don't know the editors. I don't know their tastes, I don't know that much about their leanings, I don't know their priorities, and I frankly don't even know if I'd like their writing. There's no guarantee I'd favorite them. So what? You've got a pretty large audience by local standards and you have an extremely loyal audience.
Stop kvetching. If the point is really to promote ignored talent, then promote ignored talent.
OS is a fine gift horse. We don't need to open its mouth.
Lezlie
Late tuning in (as I guess is usual for me by now ... "sorry 'bout det" :-(] Been "thinkin' 'bout you lots", with many "R+s" ;-)
Happy Blogaversary!
BTW, one of my daughters tatooted the words "your name" on her butt, so she could say to whomever "I have your name tatooed on my ass". (and she paid money for that..oye)
R♥
•.•♥╔╗╦╦╗▄║╔╗╔╗ & ╗╔╗╔╔╗╔╗•(¯ `v´¯ )◦•*✿
•.•♥╚╗║║║╦║╠╝╚╗ & ╠╣║║║╦╚╗(¯` ❤ .¯ )✿
•.•♥╚╝──╚╩╚╚╝╚╝ & ╝╚╚╝╚╝╚╝◦.(_.^._)•*¨✫
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Have a beautiful new week with love and happiness❤¸.•*¨✫
tis my favorite show.
well, i got issues with it, since
13 left. Damn i miss her.
She knows quality when
her amazing eyes
see it, like your
naked tattooed
areas.
i read it all the way through.
it is monday, and a new house is on tonight...
sorry i missed this earlier..
i would dearly love to go head to head with house.
thank u for the mention...