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Birdwatcher Extraordinaire

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JANUARY 5, 2013 4:49PM

The Plumber's Best Friend

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Monday morning at 10:35 a.m., the bathroom commode in the the Fipp's home over-flowed. This happens all the time, everyday, to people all over  the world, yet Marvin Fipps was in a hurry and late for work so he flushed the toilet and ran out of the house, not noticing that what he had just deposited was not only not going down the intended target, but was rising-up and over the toilet and over-flowing at an alarming rate. It did so for over 6 hours. When Marvin's wife, Tilly, opened the backdoor after getting home from her job at the post office, she did what any postal worker would do if gallons of semi-brown water with a distinct odor came flooding out of their door and ruining her new running shoes. She went postal!

Tilly ran screaming for glory down the road. Someone not knowing the situation might think she was crazy and a cop that just happened to be in the neighborhood thought just that. After trying to get Tilly to calm down so he could get some idea of what was wrong, Tilly became more and more belligerent. Thinking he had a nutcase on his hands who had done any amount of drugs, the cop handcuffed her and sat her in the backseat of his patrol car until an ambulance could arrive and he could straighten things out. Meanwhile, the flooding was now making a pool in the Fipp's backyard. While they had always wanted a pool, they pictured their pool with four sides and clean water to swim in.

Officer Alex Bernard started going house to house to see if anyone knew the nutjob in the back of his patrol car. After finding an old woman who lived across the street who knew her and pointed her house out to him, he walked to the the front door and knocked. Not getting an answer, he decided to make his way around to the back door, looking into each window as he slowly walked around the house. At the back of the house was a wired fence that had been built to keep Tilly's beloved pet Bruno, inside. Any other time, Bruno would have been barking up a storm and even trying to bite the officer. But he was afraid of the water and was standing on his dog house when Officer Bernard opened the gate.

The last person Bruno ever barked at was Officer Alex, who opened the gate without checking to see if there was a dog inside, especially a Pit Bull with a head the size of a basketball. He had not been barking because the water scared him, but when he laid eye's on the officer, he made a bee-line for him. Alex told his fellow police officers later that this was the closest he had ever came to needing a clean pair of underwear in any other situation in his young career. Luckily for the Officer, the water slowed Bruno down and gave him time to put three shots from his .45 cal. into Bruno's head and body. This stopped that problem for now, but the Fipp's sued and won a lawsuit against the Rockingham Police Department for Cruelty to Animals a year later. But, I digress.

The Officer, seeing the water flowing out of the backdoor had a great idea. He ran to his patrol car, where Mrs. Fipps was still screaming  and grabbed a large adjustable wrench he had in the trunk of his car and turned the water off at the source, the meter in front of the house. One would think that this would be a successful ending to a foul day, but this day and night were really just beginning. After Mr. Fipps arrived and finally calmed down the dramatic Mrs. Fipps, they started walking through the house with the sound of their shoes in unison making a "swish, swish, swish' sound. They had no choice but to call a plumber, but their first call was to their insurance company to see if they could somehow make a few dollars over this unfortunate incident. After all, isn't that what homeowners insurance is for?

After grabbing some clean clothes and talking to the insurance man, who had arrived followed by the plumber he used off the books to keep his costs down, the Fipps found a nice motel that was would be charged to the insurance company.  After the owners departed, he and the plumber got down to business. The plumber agreed to do the job for half price, providing it was paid in cash and the insurance man wanted a receipt from the plumber giving him twice the estimated value. The plumber, meanwhile, thinking he knew what the problem was already, thought he was going to take everyone to the cleaners on this job. He thought it would be as simple as unplugging the main sewer line. Someone else could do all the hard work and in all probability, all he would have to do today was put his old trusty and rusty plumber's snake to work. A plumber's best friend.

After opening all the windows and doors and hooking up some hot-air fans, the plumber walked into the bathroom where the problem had started, put on a plastic glove and  proceeded to cram his hand into the commode as far as he could, trying to remove anything blocking the water from flowing down. Maybe he would luck-up and pull out a kid's truck or a woman's Kotex and still be able to charge them an arm and a leg. After searching around for a few minutes, he knew he would have to go under the house. Dammit to hell. He usually had a young boy with him to do all the hard work, especially crawling under old houses that had been built before the Civil War. Unfortunately for him, he had the Monday Morning Flu, as usual.

The plumber put his plastic coveralls on, placed his helmet-cam hardhat with the flashlight on it on his head, grabbed another larger flashlight, a box of tools, his trusty plumber's snake, and proceeded to climb underneath a house with the space of a man his size could barely move his big-ass. He was only 5'7", but had been working on a bee r garden since he was 18 years old. There would be no turning around and he would have to crawl backwards to get out. But he had been here before, and figured he would cut the ancient rusty steel sewer line and push his plumber's friend up as far as it would go and clean out the crap and toilet paper and whatever else had been flushed down this toilet over the last twenty-five years, which is when he figured this was last done. Then, and I hate to write this because it does sound sort of corny, 'The proverbial shit did hit the proverbial fan'.

The plumber, who had recently replaced the old saw blade with a new diamond-tipped new one, was surprised how easily it cut through the ancient pipe. As soon as it broke through the first piece of metal holding the contents, a few drops of nasty water fell on his face. Luckily for him, he had  remembered to wear his safety goggles and smiled for a moment before thinking he heard something in the pipe, move. He stopped and in the dark, with the helmet-cam on and making shadows on the walls, it did seem scary under the dark house for a moment. Being the professional  he was, and wanting to get this fixed and head home to watch Monday Night Football and drink the beer he already had on ice in the truck,  he continued sawing.

He was half way through when the water started flowing very fast. Not only water, but all the other crap that you might think that is in a pipe that has not been flushed-out in over a quarter of a century.  He was soaking wet with brown shit and hair and what-have-you all over him when the pipe that was sawed in half suddenly broke through. Luckily, he was now able to hit the pipe with a rubber handle and move it about a foot. Hallelujah! He knew then he was almost done for the day. He had no idea how close to being done he really was.

The plumber rolled his sleeve up and stuck his arm into the 12" diameter pipe and felt something move. He jerked his arm out that was  filled with toilet paper and what-not. What a baby I'm being he thought, and preceded to re-stick his hand inside the pipe. He never got it back. Inside the pipe, he quickly realized what was stopping the waste from escaping from the house. There was a Boa Constrictor that was at least 14 ft. long that had been in the pipe and sewer system since the son had flushed the Boa Constrictor down the toilet years ago. After buying it at a pet store, he quickly tired of feeding the snake and down the toilet it went. It had lived on shit and whatever was flushed down the garbage dispenser ever since.

It was two days before anyone came back to check on the house, or the plumber. The plumber was supposed to have locked the windows and doors when he was done with his part of the job and call the insurance man so he could get the floor and carpet people started. When he didn't come home after 24 hours, the police got involved and lo and behold, the officer assigned to the case was none other than Office Alex Bernard. He was told to look around for the plumber before the detectives became involved. He remembered the house with the over-flowed sewer and remembered talking to the plumber before he left. He thought something was wrong immediately. The windows were still up and the hot air fans had left the place so hot it seemed  ready to explode. He turned the fans off, called out the plumber's name and started his investigation. It didn't take long to investigate this case and he would never be the same again.

After doing a thorough search of the the house and finding nothing, he checked to see if the water was back on and found it wasn't. No one was around so he took a piss anyway and went about his investigation. He walked around back and saw that the dog was still there. It was bloated, with maggots and flies everywhere and as hard as he tried not to, he proceeded to throw-up all over the dog. The plumber was supposed to call animal control  and had promised him he would do it. He was going to catch hell for this. Walking around back, he saw where the door that led under the house was open and decided to shine his flashlight under the house. He noticed all the plumbers tools were still there, so he thought he was probably still working under the house, asshole.

He was going to give him hell. He bent down, flashed his flashlight underneath the house, saw the plumber and almost shit his pants. The plumber was  halfway down  inside of the Boa Constrictor. You could literally see the outline of the hardhat-light Marvin had been wearing and the weirdest thing of all was, the light was still on. You could  see inside the Boa Constrictor from the flashlight that was still working. Almost like an x-ray. Officer Alex never moved so fast in his life. He got up, forgetting for a moment in time that he was still a cop and was the one who had to report the incident, and ran like hell to his car and took off. He was miles down the road before it dawned on him that he had to go back and report this to higher-ups and call for assistance. This was also the same day Office Alex Bernard retired from the Rockingham Police Dept. No way, no how, had he signed up for a fucking job this weird.  He had nightmares of shit and snakes for the rest of his life.


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Comments

Type your comment below:
your story
not my story
all in all
in the in and out
snakes constricting ... ... !
Yikes! That's one hell of an imagination you've got there, Kenny!
R
Awwwww........ that's so cute!

A plumber and his snake; friends to the end.......

Kind'a brings a tear..... y'know?

(Man, that's some wicked shit you're tokin'...!)

;-)
R
.
The next time your toilet overflows, be careful how you unstop it.
This story has stayed with me and with me since I first read it on the Other Place. It is an awesome story, told very well.
This is why I'd rather be a Plumber's Girl than a Bond Girl. Not that I've ever had to choose but still.
Feeling a little sick. Yuk.
you know your way around a crawl space scanman!
Somewhere in my mysterious childhood I was taught to always look into the toilet bowl before being seated. Why? Well, it seems one of my adult relatives had once sat down not knowing a rat was taking a swim in the commode! To this day, I always check. I don't suppose a boa constrictor is any less terrifying.

Lezlie
wow, you got a lot of imagination, that was pretty funny... and a little disguting too lol :) Claudia - TDM