It's not really any easier. At least not for me. I feel like it's getting easier for everyone else. Except for me. Maybe it's true. Maybe it's not. I really don't know nor do I care because that's how I feel. I feel like it just keeps getting harder.
My kids are older - 5 and 8; they are definitely more self-sufficient. But one of them is up at least twice a week in the middle of the night. And my little one needs someone to lie with her until she falls asleep which routinely sucks at least an hour of my evening. For reasons not worth explaining, that habit can't really be changed at this point in time. So I've just resigned myself to having no time in the evening, because by the time I get out of her room, I am exhausted. And there is either work to be done or cleaning up or I just simply say, screw it to all that, and go to bed because I can't deal and I am tired and I have to wake up tomorrow and do it all over again. When I do go straight to bed, I hate it. It leaves me feeling like I have no time at all to myself at night, let alone any time with my husband.
I also now have a demanding job at which I work 4 days a week, which also leaves me feeling like I have absoluetly no time to or for myself. It's not the kind of job that I leave when I leave the office. It follows me home. Yes, it pays well, but it sucks. It's exactly the type of job I didn't want when I said I was going to go back to work. But right now, it's the only job I've got. And being this kind of lawyer is the only thing I'm qualified to do. At least on paper.
On the Friday mornings that should be mine from at least 9 to 1, there is always, inevitably some reason that I don't get that free time - sick kid, school function, schol vacation, work, etc. There is absolutely always something.
I never have time to go to the gym anymore, which means I've now packed on the pounds, weighing more than I have in years. My clothes don't fit. I hate it. To go to the gym, I either have to go at 5 in the morning, though I can't get up for that, especially if I've been awakened by a child in the middle of the night, or I can go at 7 at night when my husband comes home from work, but by then, I am pooped.
I feel like I'm never fully present at work, or at home. I never have time to fully devote myself to any one task. I am always doing a million things at once, which never works out well as I am not equipped for multi-tasking.
We never seem to go out anymore. We never seem to be able to get a sitter or we have other obligations. And yet I have friends who go with their spouses every Saturday night. I have friends who go away for 3, 4 and 5 days on vacation without their kids. I probably wouldn't even if I could, but it'd be nice to have the option.
We're trying to sell our 2 bedroom condo so we can have more space which will help me be more organized which might make me feel like my life is less out of control, but I dont even have time to get the apartment in shape to sell.
Seems like everyone is already settled, while we're still struggling. Every day seems like a struggle. Yes, I know. These are all little things. These are small problems. This is nothing compared to what some people endure. But it's my life, my reality. And I am, as always, drowining in the details of the day-to-day. Iknow I should be better than this. I know I should be able to do this. I know I should stop complaining. But I just can't seem to get it together. I can't stop feeling like I just can't do it anymore. I just want someone to swoop in and take care of it all, someone to help me, someone who wants to take care of me, someone who wants to make things better for me. And that aint gonna happen anytime soon.
So for now, I just keep hoping that someday soon it's gonna get easier. Though at the same time, I'm certain that someday I'll look back at this time in my life and say, "what the f*ck was I complaining about? Things were so much easier then."