I'm so tired of driving the bus, but I'm starting to realize that I am the only one who is going to do it. Someone might take the wheel from time to time, for a few miles, grant me a small reprieve, but for the most part, it's me. I'm the driver. I'm the one logging most of the miles. And I guess that what I've learned, and what I am trying to accept, is that it's not the worst thing in the world. Believe me, I'm not happy about it, but things could be worse. I know that well.
So often people talk about change. Changing your circumstances, changing yourself, changing what you don't like, what you don't want, but I think for me, my energies might be better spent accepting things as they are. Accepting that for now, this is how it is. For now, this is what I have to do, this is what I have to give, this is who I have to be, and this is where I have to be. In a way, it feels like giving up, but I think for me, it might be more like moving on.
I can't look at what could be. I have to look at what is. I can't look to how it is for others. I have to look at how it is, for me, for now. Otherwise, I'll constantly be mired in this muddy muck of a mood. And I'm tired of that too. Tired of wishing for something other, something better, something different, something seemingly easier.
I just want to be here and be content. And truthfully, things here aren't really that bad. And sometimes, more often that not, they really are pretty damn good. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.