Let me get this right.  You're saying to me that you don't have a bigoted bone in your body cuz ya got a hundred, thousand friends that are oh-s0-understanding?  Well, try name a handful, if you can.

Pick any type of bigotry here.  Hey!  I'm not a racist cuz I got a bunch of black friends here.  Or Chinese friends here.  Or Japanese friends there.  I'm not antisemitic, cuz I got a bunch of Jewish and Arab friends in my neighborhood.  I'm not islamophobic, I have a hundred Muslim friends.  This last one's coming from a politician who's against having a mosque built at ground zero or anywhere near it.

Why is it that everytime some bigot gets caught talking shit about some ethnic minority, people with sexual orientation, or some religion you thought is pretty fucking weird, tries to cover himself by saying he's not a bigot cuz he's got a hundred, thousand phantom friends?

"I'm not prejudiced against aliens from outer space 'cuz Superman's my best friend."  Right.

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Next I've heard and read what's already old news by now about Stephen Hawkings' concern with the attempt at contacting anybody within the outer reaches of space.  Some handful of other scientists wanted to yell and scream out their signals toward the nearest stars just to provoke the aliens.  (If they're there at all.)

I can understand Hawkings' concern here.  If you were to go and try waking up dread Cthulhu over in his beloved isle of R'lyeh down at the Pacific Ocean.  I'm sure he'll awaken in a very cheerful mood.  However, if I'm Cthulhu, I doubt seriously that I'd appreciate anybody waking me up in the wee hours of the morning.  Especially when the stars aren't exactly right.  Being a cranky guy that I am, I'm gonna get pretty fucking hungry, and go look for chickens in human form.

Besides, provoking the aliens is a stupid idea.  It's as stupid as the ones on Ghost Hunters, where they ask stupid questions in order to provoke spirits.  Just so they know they're there.  (I'm sure they're looking to get bitch-slapped.)

GHOSTHUNTER: "Is anybody in this room?"

GHOST: "No, I'm jerking off in the dark corner somewhere.  Now shut up and get outta here!"

So, if you're gonna scream out a dumbass question just to annoy somebody, somebody will definitely turn around and smack you right back.  Whatever the method, it won't be pleasant.  (Yet if you DO think it's gonna be pleasant, you're smoking way too much crack!)

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So, some passengers bitched, moaned, whined, head-butted an officer, shoving, yelling profanities, not to mention stripping down to their skivvies all to prevent pat-downs.  Oh yeah, and the protesters are setting up for "Opt Out Day" to clog up the passenger lines.  All for the fifteen minutes of fame.  Gee, this is called "Thanksgiving" and you'd expect the fellow passengers to thank you for it?

If I were a fellow passenger, I'd slaughter the whole lot of you above mentioned idiots.  I'd pull out a battle axe like Conan the Barbarian, and demand the protesters to get the fuck outta my way.  But I digress.

Still, when I commute by plane to work, I'd expect to get there as quickly and humanely as possible.  I'll go through the security screenings when I have to.  Pat me down?  Fine!  Do it.  I've got nothing to hide.  Go through the body scans?  Fine.  I'm not expecting the women, and men to line up for a date after seeing my ass in a body scan picture.  Again, I digress.  Seriously, I have a job here in my hometown, and not overseas.  I'm happy where I'm at right now.

Oh, and another thing, scaremongering group called "Americans For Truth of Homosexuality" are reporting that there are gays and lesbians working in the TSA security team.  Great Cthulhu!  They gonna feel you up!  Quick!  Somebody fetch us a whaambulance.  This fellow passenger's dying from a cardiac arrest due to this shocking revelation.

Tell you what.  How 'bout we go about hiring the Innsmouth folks?  You know, Innsmouth, a seaport village near the beach in New England.  The one with plenty of fish and lobsters there.  Just a few blocks from Arkham.  It's not that far.

Just hire these folks.  So what if their faces look like fish?!  There are some that have faces like viper-fish with needle sharp teeth.  I'd guarentee them would-be-terrorists take one take look at the fish people, and decide not to go through the security checks.  They'll stay home.  I'm sure.  (winkwink)

Just hire these guys.  There's plenty of them.  They need a job somewhere.  Really.  Just put the eight foot tall cranky crustaceans to where they can operate the body scans, and the creature-from-black-lagoon-people to feel you up --excuse me-- pat you down with their webbed hands.

As for payment, you don't need to worry about monetary pay.  For two reasons, 1) you can't afford it, and  2) the Innsmouth folks don't want money.  They don't need it.  You could always give 'em gold.  If not, gold, there's always fish, lobsters, mollusks, abolognes, anything to do with sea food.  It's usually their primary food source.  Bribe 'em with that, they'll work for you.  (However, a few words of advice: Once they're hired, don't even think of laying them off.)

I'd guarentee the passengers will want to go through the security checks with the Innsmouth folks as quickly and painlessly as possible.  If any yoyo dared make a plaintive bleat will receive dirty looks.  Cthulhu help a fool for trying to punch out an eight foot tall bipedal lobster.  He will get his hand broken in five places.  (My sympathies.)

But other than that, passengers will be thankful that they're safe once they've boarded the airplane to go to places.  Otherwise, they could just stay home, send well-wish cards for Thanksgiving and Christmas to their relatives.  Or better yet, take a Greyhound bus.  Drive a car, or SUV.  Take a bicycle, a tricycle, or a motor scooter.  Whatever.

Sure, some politicians will level charges of racism against these fish folks.  I'd fire a retort that it's unfair.  First of all, they're not racists.  They got plenty of human friends around to give 'em a hand with whatever chore that's needed done around their seaport village.  In fact, most of the humans were related.  Genetically that is!  So, these Innsmouth folks are easy to get along.  Even though they're very private, but still easy to get along.  Really!

It's just that in the early part of twentieth century, they used to scare off strangers and tourists from their village.  That's only because the sheriff and his deputies have raided their homes and didn't like what they found there.  And the pulp writer, H.P. Lovecraft, had the gall to write a scandalous story about them in "Shadow Over Innsmouth."  They hadn't been the same since.  They would have sued that guy if he didn't die already!

Anyway, it's all water under the bridge right now.  So, just remember another thing about them:  They'd take a dim view of any pinheaded alien from outer space deciding to invade our fucking planet.  Believe me, they're patriots.  The deep ones will fight to the death.  Although one of them told me in private that they'll let the humans get killed first, THEN they'll fight in their place.  Still, for now, the Innsmouth folks are decent folks.  Easy to get along.  (Trust me.)

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But, of course, I digress.  I'm sure in the parallel universe, the Innsmouth folks do exist.  This is just one of the possible solutions for security checks to run smoothly.  So, that way the terrorists won't bother us again.  (Whatever.)

I've yet to find another solution.  But don't worry, I'll find one somewhere in the near future.  Provided that Al Gore doesn't beat me to it first.