So you may have thought foreign oil, bottled water, or SUV’s were the scourge of the environment, but apparently you are wrong.  The freshly minted responsibility for the destruction of the Earth falls squarely across the supple and delicate backsides of the American population.  An article today in the Washington Post examines our irrational need for the softest toilet paper that money can buy.  Apparently the biggest culprit, and most detrimental to the earth’s supply of trees, in this epic battle against raw ass is Quilted Northern Ultra Plush, a 3-ply mega toilet paper that makes cleaning yourself feel like a Swedish massage.  They say that when the end comes you never see its approach, so perhaps it is no surprise that the Earth’s last gasp will come at the hands of something so seemingly innocuous as toilet paper.

To be fair, toilet paper isn’t actually destroying the environment, it only accounts for 5% of deforestation, but it certainly isn’t helping.  The problem is that soft toilet paper is high on the list of American demands, for home use at least, and by design must be made from virgin wood pulp, i.e. chopped down trees, the older the better.  While that sandpaper we all use in public bathrooms is 75% recycled, in order to achieve appropriate levels of softness for the plush stuff, a maximum of 5% recycled paper is all that can be used.  Companies like Kimberly-Clark have stressed their attempts at becoming more green but the real problem is us.  We want our asses to be cleaned delicately, not to be scoured like a fresh arrival of prison inmates.  Once again, we find ourselves on the losing side of a battle against our own culture.

That 3-ply toilet paper even exists seems a bit excessive.  I’ll admit that I’ve probably been less than environmental in my TP procurement, I usually look for the cheapest that isn’t some form of Soviet torture, but I cannot count myself among the 3-ply crowd.  I do however feel, after reading this article, a sense of guilt over how many houses I’ve toilet papered in my youth, although we were at least using the cheapest stuff on offer so hopefully it was mostly recycled.  At the end of the day though, cleaning your backside really shouldn’t qualify as an area of luxury and it does seem to be an example of where our consumerism has gone off the reservation.  The article produces some good perspective on where toilet paper and ancient forests should fit into the scheme of things when it quotes Chris Henschel from the Canadian Parks and Wilderness Society.  “It’s unbelievable that this global treasure of Canadian boreal forests is being turned into toilet paper...I think every reasonable person would have trouble understanding how that would be okay.”  Well put.

Certainly we Americans are no strangers to rampant consumption, but 3-ply toilet paper does seem a bit much, even for us.  Seriously, are we all trying to live like spoiled pashas.  Why not just use rolls of imported silk.  Or better yet, live minks.  Let’s make a promise that next time we’re at the store looking for a little backside sanitation we all skip the tree murdering aisle and go a little green.  Or, and I know this is hard on the American ears, we could do as the French do and just shoot some water up there.