I have been struggling with this for so long. I have been afraid to spill the beans, let it out, liberate myself, let go of the baggage. I have read so many of your testimonies, brave and courageous souls, I so admire. I can't keep hiding, I must come clean. So, here it is - part of my story, for all of you who so bravely share yours.

I remember the first time I heard Jimmy Page on guitar... he could play anything - something beautiful like Thank You, something rocking like Black Dog, something bluesy like Since I've Been Loving You. I was hooked on guitar. It was pretty much a playing field for men back then... the world of guitar gods - but I gladly bowed down and enjoyed.

But then, Ann and Nancy Wilson came along and well, that was it! Not only were they drop dead gorgeous,  they could sing, play every instrument and write great lyrics to great songs. Little Queen, Magazine, Love Alive, Magic Man... they were amazing! I knew right then that I had to be in a band, play guitar, sing, write great songs, and blow people away. 

 Being a trained pianist, I figured how hard could it be to learn guitar? Wrong. There was fighting to keep my fingers in the right frets and fighting to get the chords right. I would slam the guitar down over and over again. But, I was on a mission and I worked that guitar til my fingers bled - picking and strumming, picking and strumming.  I finally got callouses and boy was I proud! I would show them off, "Go ahead, touch my fingertips," I would say.

Music was everything.

I moved in with a drummer, we met a guitarist and we started a band. Moxie. I had written some songs, the guitarist had some songs and together we all wrote songs. So, we were never short of music. We just had to practice.

So, we got a bungalow, set up drums and amps and we practiced and practiced and practiced. We had broomsticks and masking tape for mic stands and radio shack mics. Boy, were we a mess... but determined! We spent all our time playing.  Every once in awhile we would get a bass player, but they never staid long. So, I played rhythm... and eventually, we got real mic stands, real mics and even some paying gigs.

As time went on, Nirvana lashed onto the scene and changed the sound of rock. I have to tell you, I loved that bottom end and I had to have me some!

Enter Mesa Boogie Dual Rectifier. 100 watts of sheer power. I saved a whole year for that amp! $1,300 smackaroos! But how I loved it. I felt so proud, carting that thing around. Everytime we had a gig, all the guys would be drooling over that amp...

"Oh man,” they'd say, "is that a Dual Rectifier????"

Oh yeah! Just turning it on is a sight to behold! First, you switch the standby and the light turns blue. All the tubes in the back start warming up. Watching them light up is like watching Frankenstein bringing life to the creature! Then you switch it to ready, the orange light comes on and you are ready to ROCK!  When I hit the strings, even my little red Yamaha made me sound like Tommy Iommi playing Iron Man! Yahoo! I was soaring!  

So, we kept playing and playing and we got really good.  We got lots of gigs, had lots of songs. Everyone knew us. There was an agent who wanted to sign us, but he was too busy at the time trying to promoting his new client, Marilyn Manson and the Spooky Kids. Who knew? Florida was great back then. The music scene was happening... showcases for original bands all the time. I was loving it!

Morning, noon and night - music was my world.  We would spend afternoons thinking of set lists and album covers and more songs. I lived and breathed music and I swore that I would only marry someone who loved music as much as me.

Enter drummer extraordinaire. He had the bluest eyes I'd ever seen. We met at an open mic night and became friends. We always ran into each other and would exchange tapes of our newest songs. When our drummer couldn't make a gig, he would sit in.

Eventually we married.  I was crazy about him. It was great, life was great, music was great, everything was great.

Enter two beautiful children. Responsibility, bills, a life we weren't used to, but I was determined to make it work. Music was still our world, but the kids started taking over.  He continued playing and I vowed to help him make it. His band had a financial backer, mine didn't.  The hope was I would help him, then he would help me.

I tried to keep my music going, but with the kids it was getting impossible. We kept recording, but soon it got way too hard to even practice.

At home, when my ex wasn't on the road, he would sleep all day. The sleeping got longer, the pot smoking more consistent and whatever else he could get his hands on at the clubs became more and more of a habit. His musical stint was almost successful, but just didn't quite make it over the top.  It was a harsh reality.

His habits became uncontrollable. He couldn't stop. Something had to give. We had two children to raise.

Aside from divorce, putting down the guitar was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I had to. I was a parent now. A single parent. My kids took all my time.

The music door was shut. Slammed shut.

My world fell to pieces. Emptiness and darkness crept in. I felt a complete void. I thanked God everyday for my kids, and still do. They were my saviors - all that kept me going. My friends had to call me every morning just to get out of bed. I had garbage bags filled with mail lined up against he walls in my living room. I didn't want to see the bills, the foreclosure notices, the late payment notices. I was on my knees.

Then I looked in the mirror. Boy was that scary and hard. I don't think I even brushed my hair. What a mess.

Then I remember as clear as day, God calling over my shoulder and saying to me, “My beautiful daughter, wake up! There is work to be done.”

I was floored. Who could love me? I was useless, hopeless, a complete disaster.

But He kept at me.

Slowly, and painfully, the doors started to re-open. I went back to school and got my BA... finally! Only took 25 years. I started writing again, opening the mail and sorting through the bills - I even started brushing my hair again. I started working at home and have been ever since, and eventually, not much at first, I started to pick up my little red guitar again.

I still struggle with music, but the more I let all this go, the more I can let it back in. 

Being here on OS has helped me so much. Being able to share stories of music with some of you and many memories with others has been amazing and I am thankful to all of you for sharing and posting and commenting. I feel like I am sharing a tremendous journey with so many of you. 

The door to music is still half closed for me, but it is also now half open. :):):)

 Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and here's hoping we ALL have a ROCKIN' New Year!!!!