I've been holding back. I've been in such despair. Except for the shining moments I have at the childrens theater and in between bouts of teenage hell at home, I have been in a pit of darkness and depression! I know you're all with me on the financial struggles – I haven't been able to pay the mortgage for 2 and a half months, no food, utilities ready to be shut off. I think most of you know the drill. IT SUCKS!!!!! But, everfaithful that God is, He has pulled through for me yet again. I just wish He wouldn't wait til I'm hanging over the cliff with a noose around my neck ready to drop... LOL. Test of faith for sure.

Well, just when I thought it was all over and me and the kids would be living in a tent at KOA, my mom calls out of the blue, bless her soul, always my saviour. She says,

“Darlene, I have good news.”

I say, “Great mom,” even though I'm ready to slice my wrists. “What's up?”

Mom: “Well, I found a bank book under my bed!”

Me: “Great!” I'm happy for her.

Mom: “It's in your name!”

Okay, I wonder? I'm sure I'm just the beneficiary.

Mom: “And it's got $6,000!”

Damn! I'm thinking, “Mom, that's great!”

Mom: “I want to give you some of it.”

Silence.

Me: “What?” “Mom, that's you're money. You've been wanting to go to Germany to see your family.”

Mom: “Well, I want you to have some.”

I don't know what to say. I'm numb from shock and overwhelmed.

Me: “Mom, are you sure?”

Mom: “Yes, just don't tell your sister! She doesn't have any kids.”

I'm in disbelief.

Mom: “Darlene, are you still there?”

Me: “Mom, I don't know what to say. I'm overwhelmed.”

Mom had no idea I've been struggling. She's older and she has enough problems of her own.

Me: “Mom, I can't thank you enough. I've been struggling so hard...”

Mom: “You deserve it. You work hard for your kids.”

Well, that was it. The tears just kept coming. I think I cried for an hour, thanking God for my mom and helping to pull me out of the pit again..

Then, I get a knock on the door. It's UPS.

Hmmm? I'm not waiting for anything?

I open up the package. My mortgage company sends me a loan modification. My payments have gone down from $957 a month to $582, including tax and insurance. And, I don't have to make my first payment til October 1. I mean, how could I ever even imagine that? I can actually breathe again.. for the moment anyway. I have been so numb from all the struggle, now I am overwhelmed with joy and thanks that I can still feed my kids and keep a roof over their heads.

When I see the commercials with the polar bears and the mother bear and her cub on the iceberg... I see the fear in the mother's face... not knowing how she'll get food or keep her cub alive. Oh, how I feel her heart.

But God says, “trust me in this... and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.” Malachi 3:10

Even though I have to wait until the last lifeline, He never fails me. And He always pulls me out - from the pits of hell. Thank you Father. I praise You for all things.

And now, I'm going to shop for food so I can feed the kids, and even some of their friends.

xoxoxo