Jeremiah 48.10 NAS “Cursed be the one who does the Lord’s work negligently,
And cursed be the one who restrains his sword from blood.”
When “the Lord’s work” requires facing a little conflict, I must be ready to engage in the battle or I’ll do His work “negligently”. I may need to occasionally disagree with a friend, co-worker, or family member. I should be tactful and gracious, but remain willing to face the issues if resolution is the goal. Nothing good comes from hiding my head like an ostrich. Use some finesse, but make the point.
Dr. Tammy Lenski is “known for approaching sticky situations with a lion’s heart”.[1] Listed below are the three most common reasons for conflict avoidance, according to Dr. Lenski:
- It will hurt the relationship.
- It won’t make any difference.
- I don’t want to seem aggressive.
Her analysis hits close to home for me. I dislike conflict like most everyone else. However, certain things, like “the Lord’s work”, matter and when they do, I must make my beliefs known regardless of the consequences.
Just a little word of caution: If the goal of a conflict becomes to change someone, give it up. That’s not “the Lord’s work” for me. That’s “the Lord’s 
work”... PERIOD! Comedian David Sedaris said, “I haven’t got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.”
Conflict avoidance creates conflict of the soul and does “the Lord’s work negligently”. It drives a silent wedge in relationships and destroys the potential for resolution. Conflict adverse people live the secret life of Walter Mitty [2] and suffer the curse of isolation. No pain of conflict, no gain of intimacy.
When you’re clear that the conflict is issue-centered and the Holy Spirit prompts you to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4.15 NLT), then do just that.
__________________
[1] “Jump-Start Genuine Dialogue with Tammy Lenski” at http://lenski.com/.
[2] Check out James Thurber's 1942 short story "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty".
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ronnierayjenkins
Frank K. Sonnenberg
rita shibr
mr e
FERNANDO JR IMPANG
Anne Cameron Cutri
Salon.com
Comments
If an issue gets hot and the other is adamant, aggressive, I come forward subtly and then more stridently. I must say that the people who most aggravate me are not the far right wing, but the leftists who are male haters or female haters and the wimps that cow-tow to them. I have no truck with baby murder, or those who hate one or the other gender or racists, or slanderers and cal them out as soon as they declare themselves.
I think this is one of my all-time favorite posts of yours. I just love this: "No pain of conflict, no gain of intimacy." I really needed to read that today.
The Professor above speaks of debating issues, but that's very different (at least to me) from resolving a conflict with a loved one. In debates, the stakes are far lower in terms of what we can lose. But a fight with someone dear to us seems fraught with serious danger, as saying the wrong thing at the height of emotion can do such harm.
I'm grateful that I've learned how to communicate anger over the years; I wish they would teach these skills to kids in schools! Such simple rules as "stick to the issue" and "never hit below the belt" can make a conflict resolve so much easier. And mirroring what the other person is saying, so that you know you fully understand it, is such a help, too.
That said, intimacy in the romance department has eluded me. I hope that changes someday.
Rated!
AHP ~ I am more confrontational than conflict avoidant. However, I am also somewhat lazy and fearful at times. Both these traits will tempt me to avoid necessary conflict if I let them.
Mary Ann ~ What great thoughts on managing conflict. Thanks. I hope you will find romance someday, if that's what you want. You deserve life's very best.