What's really important to you? Is being in control that important? Is being close to a partner more important? Good writing here.

Communication and understanding sometimes intersects in a relationship. You need to understand yourself. Being lost in relationship can be a lonely thing. --rated--

Thanks for the pit-stop. I am such a gentle, tender pup. This is more about how much I keep inside. Sometimes I wish I could spew a flame.

My husband has been telling me that I need to read your blog. Now I know why - this could be a page out of my journal (although not nearly as damn eloquent girl - WOW).

If you are like me, most acquaintances think that I am laid-back and easy going, but I keep so much inside and fear losing control at all times - even after being married for almost 9 years!

From one control freak to another - I hear you!! great writing, compelling, honest, insightful, vulnerable. thanks

Y Heron,
I read you regularly. One of my favorites was when you described the light on in your backyard. Glad you came by!

Well, after reading this post I decided to finally give up on simple peer pressure and I actually forced my wife to stop everything and come read it. I knew she would completely relate to this piece. You've got yourself another fan.

Very well written and as usual, so unashamedly honest. Thanks.

Noah,

Do you suppose it is that Grandmother Panther I told you about? Thanks for the introduction to your wife. I am humbled.

Oh, I went looking for the subtitles and didn't find any. Anyway, if cracks in your exterior only happen once every decade or so, I think you're doing just fine.

I know this feeling so well, you describe it perfectly! It took me years & YEARS to let go of my need to control & to let happiness happen. I don't know, I suppose it comes from growing up wanting stability but building up defenses because you couldn't HAVE stability. And by the time you finally get the stability you dreamed of as a child, you've built up so many defenses that you can't seem to put them aside. Too many brain cells & instinctive maneuvers revolve around self-defense.

This is such an honest post, as you speak of feeling cold and smothered and restricted, nothing really resolved past the surface.
Well-written! (and now I have that "puke in my mouth" song stuck in my head...)

Hey, control freak sister!!! We can make a freaky club I guess... This excellent post of yours will cause, sooner or later, a post of mine, because I´ve been thinking about all this for days and days on end, girl. The world is very small after all... rated and thanks!
Kisses.

did you read my latest post? im' not nagging, but it's about what can be inside, that you might be putting a cap on because you're scared. some hurt you? someone abandoned you? someone died and it felt like an abandonment? you need to allow yourself to feel what your body is telling you. to find safe ways to let it out. counseling helped me enormously. and i take meds. but everyone is different, i know. i have control issues too and being controlling is all about fear. if you can control everything and everyone around you, then you can't be hurt, you can't be abandoned again, you can keep yourself safe. i've asked you to PM me before but you chose not to. which is fine. you have to make the choice to face what you don't want to feel. that's the deal. love love love

Suzie, Thank you. I love your writing. I'm with you on not getting the song out of my head.

Marcela, I can't wait to read your post on this.

And Theo, While I opt out of pmmm-ing ,believe me, I always know if you've passed by.

"Why do I think I have to always be so damn strong?""What is it in me that causes me jump out an emotional window when I get any inkling that the person in my life is trying to offer stability"

O wish I knew. what do you think it is that does it? fear - but of what exactly? why does trust fail?

like the writing

My eye is too slanted to comment...but I do know writing helps...writing helps...writing helps!

I have read this ten times. That is not an exaggeration. I believe I understand it now - so many layers to peel away like an onion. What is at the center of this and how can you deal with it when all you want is not there with you?

I am not smart enough to have the answers. I hope you can manage this - I have faith you will.

Are you my ex-wife??
Really great writing. Actually if she had written this.......


rated

Wonderful writing as always.
You sound skeeved, and that's something I have no help for. I'm still dealing with 15 year old skeeve let alone the everyday pile-up. I've tried embracing the skeeve, but to go that far feels like giving up, turning into "the other" someone "a little bit different." Often, just being a woman, trying to embrace the skeeve makes me feel like a sucker. If I ever find some skeeve-away, skeevicide, or skeevadol I'll send some your way.

Coco,
Love what you did with skeeve. Had to spend time on Urban:http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=skeeve
Yeah!

D- Ten times was nine too many. You'll get it far beyond me.

JW - Make me sad, those missed opportunities to make it right.

I know exactly what you mean, scupper. But it's our past that makes us who we are today. Can't dwell on the lament. Of course that's much easier said than done. Yes, much easier.

Well, John, Could you at least SING about it with that voice of yours? Just kidding, I know you're busy getting that boy off and educated!

a compact, remarkable post. Your Voice is indelible.

This: "I believed that between us there had been enforcement rather than progress. " worth the cost of a whole Omega weekend retreat, viz worldly wisdom. Impressive how you put so much self-examination in this, without maudlin agonistes.

And it is one of the Main Things: what is the proper balance of suffering no fools vs improving the world's quotient of lovingkindness.

and this: "that I try to die before I fold". lovely, that.

i have concluded that letting others "win" is the price iof being fully human. very unsatisfying at times. well most of the time. But there's a deeper satisfaction, a better win that is often no win at all. Just another less-hateful day.

and LOVE that last vid. he he.