From: Sgt. Mom

To: All In Group
Re: Effective Response to Ungentlemanly Attentions

1. It is occassionally brought to my attention that certain alleged gentlemen in public life have been behaving in an abusive and ungentlemanly manner, most particularly in their attentions to assorted female co-workers, subordinates, and passing strangers. Sgt. Mom spent 20 years in the military, a milieu almost overwhelmingly male, and has considerable experience in coping with those males of our species who fancy themselves as wolves, or give the impression they were raised by same. The thought has often occurred that the instinctive response of women who have been subjected to such disgraceful behavior may not always have been the most effective in preventing reoccurrence.

2. Standards of gentlemanly gallantry have shifted somewhat in recent decades, admittedly. A male acquaintance who was a mad fan of the early James Bond films watched them on video some thirty years later and confessed himself appalled at the misogyny, and demeaning behavior demonstrated toward women by his hero. What was saucy and flirtatious in 1960 appeared terribly boorish by 1990. Standards of polite behavior were not assisted during this same period by any number of people, male and female, which had such standards all confused with political and economic justice, and were experimenting with new ways of getting along in a mature and professional manner.

3. Most of the gentlemen of Sgt. Mom’s acquaintance made accommodation  WRT male-female relationships by internalizing the standard that if they wouldn’t say it to their mother, sister, daughter, girlfriend or wife in public, then they certainly won’t say it to any other woman in a professional or social setting. This is a satisfactory and generally workable standard. There are however, those men who persist in ungallant, unwelcome and offensive behavior, and without “blaming the victims” in any way, I am afraid we have been remiss in our customary response to abuse in the workplace.

4. Ladies, those of us who have spent any time in a traditionally male-dominated field are aware of certain home truths. Among these truths is that some guys are just clueless jerks who will never come to an understating of how offensive they have been, when the response is the usual girly-girl passive-aggression. Smiling weakly, and then running to the ladies room for a good cry will not do any good. Moaning to your girlfriends, or simmering over it for three or four years before complaining to the Social Actions Office, or Human Relations, the crusading columnist for the LA Times, or your touchy-feely Womyn’s Support Network will not do any good. Even getting a lawyer, and bringing charges years after the fact will really not do much good, although it may make you feel better  and make your lawyer a little richer. Is some guy saying something crude, offensive and demeaning to you? Nine out of ten, the offensive jerk has no clue - or if he does, he is your plain old garden-variety bully. The most effective way of responding to either version is to stand up straight, step up toe to toe, take off the genteel white gloves, squash down all your instinctive ladylike inhibitions…. And be just as crude, offensive and nasty in response. Don’t cry, don’t whine, just go straight for the jugular, or other vulnerable area; think of it as raising his consciousness, or establishing a good working understanding. If these actions are well and effectively performed, he will not grievously offend again, and if he does, you guarantee to serve up his balls on a silver plate, tastefully ornamented with a spring of parsley and perhaps a small tomato carved into the shape of a rose. The offender will be enlightened as to the error of his ways, and apologize abjectly;  you will shake hands and never mention it again.

In conclusion, I will remind you again; strong women do not take crap or look to others to fight for them; instead they dish it back with interest.

Sgt. Mom