I predict that in a couple of years it’ll become a fairly standard line of conspiracy theory thought that Michael Jackson is alive.  Despite, well, you know, the fact that he’s dead.   The crazier among us will suspect aliens, while the saner-yet-still-kinda-crazy will decide that he was fed up with celebrity and just wanted to disappear.  He was aided by the ol’ King of Being Alive While Actually Being Dead, Elvis Presley.  The idea for Jackson to “die” was actually Presley’s, who—and this is a little known fact that I’m entrusting you with—actually officiated his daughter’s wedding to Jacko in 1994.*  So I want to go on record as being the first to say it: Michael Jackson is alive.  I saw him at a WalMart in Atlanta.  He was working in the tool section.

When you think about it, it’s not surprising that Jackson followed in Presley’s “dead, wink wink” footsteps, since Elvis and Michael share an eerily similar career arc.

Musical Royalty
Elvis Presley was the King of Rock and Roll.   Michael Jackson was the King of Pop.  Both men upset the establishment and sent young teenage girls into a paroxysmal tizzy of orgiastic glee with their sexualized dance moves.

Shiny Clothing
Both men knew the value of shiny clothing.  They made sequins cool.  Kind of.

Presidents
Both men wore sequins when they met with the President of the United States.  Both Presidents thought this would improve their image with the kids.  Despite their best efforts, Republicans still aren't cool.

Downward Spiral
Instead of burning out, both men decided instead to fade away.  While their contemporaries were going out in blazes of drug-addled glory, both Presley and Jackson became slightly creepy echoes of their former superstar selves.  Presley donned his (sequined!) jumpsuit and shot out televisions while shoving peanut butter and banana sandwiches down his ever-expanding gullet.  Jackson donned a surgical mask and hid out at his personal amusement park, surfacing every couple of years to face child molestation charges.

Impersonators
Although Elvis has a much larger impersonator following than Michael, look for a boom in Jacko imitators in the coming years.  Leading the charge: Justin Timberlake.

“Death”
Since Presley’s “death” in 1977, fans have flocked to his home, known as Graceland, and have kept a watchful eye out for those times he lets his guard down and goes out in public.  Now that Jackson is “dead” too, where will his Graceland be?  The Neverland Ranch has too much creepy history.  The Motown Historical Museum in Detroit?  Don’t worry, I’m sure ol’ Joseph “Dollar Signs for Pupils” Jackson is figuring that out right now.

Sure, you may laugh, but one day, decades from now, you may see a little old lady with a scarf over her face struggling to carry her groceries across the street, and as you help her to the curb she’ll look up at  you through her heavy mascara and whisper a breathy “thank you” in a child-like voice, and it won’t occur to you until later in the day that the little old lady was wearing a fedora.  And then you’ll remember: you heard it here first.

_{*Elvis Presley has been working part-time at the Graceland Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas since 1989, at least according to the May 2003 issue of “Elvis Is Alive” magazine.}