We bought tickets in advance.  We joked about it all week.  But then, Sunday afternoon, we realized that buying tickets meant we actually had to go.  And that's how I found myself seeing New Moon with a theaterful of tween, teens, Twi-moms, and the like. 

Just so this is clear, I feel I should elucidate my feelings on the Twilight "saga": they're shitty.  I hate that the series is called a "saga."  It strikes me as unnecessarily pretentious.  It may be bestselling tween fiction, but the Illiad it is not.  Bella is an excellent role model if you want your role models modeling extremely unhealthy behaviors.  Edward is creepy.  Their relationship is frustratingly unhealthy.  Jacob is kind of cool, but still annoyingly possessive.  Bella is a blank slate, but she needs to be so that you, the female reader, can easily slide yourself into the her shoes.  "Wow, Bella's just like me!" you think.  Well, no shit.  That's because Bella is just like everyone and no one.  I read the books, but only to see what this whole craze was about.  The story is entertaining enough, but it ain't Shakespeare.

Yet, there I was, slightly hungover from the night before, sitting in a packed movie theater with the Twilight faithful.  Now, normally I hate it when I'm stuck sitting in front of someone who won't shut up at a movie, but not this time.  Ooooh no, not this time.  I bought opening weekend tickets because I wanted to experience a Twilight opening weekend in all its crazy Twysteria glory.  I was fortunate enough to be sitting in front of three tween girls, who provided me with a running commentary and an insight into the target demographic reaction.  Thinking ahead, I had brought a pen.

"Oooh! *gasp* Oooh!"
"I read this in the book, you guys! Don't worry, it's not a trap!"
"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!"
"Oh, oh, oh!" 
"Oh, Edward!"

Seriously. It's tough to convey with the written word, but these three were getting their $9.50 worth. No doubt.

Thankfully the audience as a whole was also a bit cynical.  They laughed at the stupid and insincere melodramatic moments.  We all found Edward walking in slow motion hysterical.  I told  my girlfriend I would start the cat-calling when Taylor Lautner first appeared without a shirt, but the moment was so absurd it was impossible not to laugh.  (Alert! Here comes a spoiler about Taylor Lautner taking off his shirt!) He just rips it off for no discernible reason.  Seriously! It was an authentically  hilarious moment.  Don't these studio execs test this stuff first? (End spoiler!)

Oh, the movie... Let's see, Dakota Fanning was in it for about 5 minutes, there were some dope CGI werewolves, and at one point one of the characters speeds through an old Italian town in a yellow Ferrari.  Um, there was a Matrix-style fight scene that was decent, and a fight between two CGI wolves.  Robert Pattinson had a bunch of lines, but they were mostly variations on "You complete me; I can't live without you; blah blah blah." He delivered most of these lines while looking away from Kristen Stewart with a pained look, because apparently he loves her so much it hurts to look at her.  Like the sun, I guess.

Oh, and the soda came in a collectible Edward cup! Score!