Alright, up off yer lazy asses, you godless liberals! Our War on Christmas has been an unmitigated disaster this year, and don’t even try denying it. Our secular progressive agenda is in tatters, and we’ve only got three more days left! We need to shape up, and fast!

 

And don’t you give me that ol' hangdog look. You think I don’t know you’ve been slacking? I mean Christ, the American Family Association had to MAKE UP a reason to boycott The Gap this year—citing their “censorship of the word ‘Christmas’”—despite the fact that the ad in question mentions Christmas in, like, the the FIRST FIVE FRICKIN SECONDS. Seriously, people. That’s the best we can do? Inclusive signage? Puh-lease.

Don’t think I haven’t noticed the few of you who HAVE chipped in this year. We could all benefit from following their good example. Sheldon dressed up like a priest, stood outside a church as mass was getting out, and wished all the parishioners a “Season’s Greeting.”  Truly inspired, Shel! They HATE that shit! And Madre found a part-time job as a mall Santa, where she’s been asking kids what they want in their “Holiday Socks.” Well played, Mom! Even Steve’s picked up his game a bit, posting negative reviews of beloved Christmas… oops, I mean HOLIDAY classics on Amazon.com. Go get ‘em, doc! Let the flame wars begin!

A Holiday Story: C'mon, you gotta admit those pink bunny pajamas were pretty funny...

But our movement is lacking something BIG. We haven’t done anything REALLY good since we turned the religious holiday into a capitalist free-for-all, and we’ve been sitting on our self-satisfied haunches ever since. (Okay, I know some of you think the ubiquity of the Christmas date rape song, aka Baby, It’s Cold Outside, should count as a major accomplishment, but even I think that song is going a bit too far…) We need something new, something BIG. So let’s take stock of our portfolio and envision where we want our War to go from here, shall we?

I think we need to return to our old strategy. No more attacking Christmas from without; let’s launch the attack from within. Our best battles were fought by our great-great-great-etc-etc-grandliberals, and we’d be disrespecting their legacy if we forget their example. They’re the reason we celebrate Christmas on Saturnalia, timed to coincide with the pagan solstice festival, with the pagan Yule log and evergreen tree. You see what I’m getting at? Modern day Christians are fighting tooth and nail to defend our past victories.  Cultural infiltration, baby. It’s the only way to fly.

I’m not suggesting we give up on the old tried and true stuff. No, no, no! Some of us still need to pretend to not be Christian and feign offense at the phrase “Merry Christmas,” even though most of our fellow countrymen know that all Good Americans celebrate Christmas. That’s a keeper, for sure. I’m just saying, what do you all think of St. Nickorets? Starting around Halloween they’d broadcast the latest sales and specials five times a day.

Or how about the Baby Jesus Dashiki, and the Seven Principles of Nativity? Okay, okay, I know these ideas are a little rough around the edges, but time is running out! I’ve asked some of our leading Liberal Professors to take a break from indoctrinating our youth to knock around some ideas for us.

I know it’s hard, but we can do it! And even if this fails this year, we still have our new “Seven Days of Easter!” campaign, which some of you may remember by our old working title, “Sitting Shiva for Jesus.”  No rest for the committed cultural warriors.

Any other new business? No? Okay. Meeting Ajourned.  Happy Holidays, folks!