Shaggylocks:
Hey guys, thanks for coming. I, uh, guess now is as good a time as any to come clean: I've gathered us all together under false pretenses. Sheldon, I know you came expecting a Bea Arthur career retrospective, and Steve, I know you came expecting an intervention for Shel's Bea Arthur obsession, but we're not doing either of those things tonight. I'm sorry. I know this deception was a bit excessive and probably entirely unnecessary. Actually, I thought we could interview each other! Doesn't that sound fun?

Oh, also, I'm sorry I invited Bea Arthur. When she heard that Sheldon was going to be here, she just kind of invited herself along, actually. (pause) You know, it's kind of a funny coincidence, when you think about it.

Bea Arthur:
Hi guys. Hi, Sheldon. (growls)


Sheldon the Wonderhorse:
Hello, Bea, my love. You smell extra nicotine-y today. I trust you got the carton of Menthal Kools I sent you?


Steve Blevins:
I don't mean to be indelicate, Bea, but I thought you were dead to everyone but Sheldon.


Bea Arthur:
(giggling) Oh, you cad!


Shagglocks:
Uh, I think Bea might have just insulted you, Steve.  I'm not really sure.  But don't worry, I gave Bea some ground rules: absolutely nothing sexual is happening here.  Nothing.  No sexy stuff. 

Anyway, let's get this threeway started, eh? I'll spin this bottle to see who gets to go first...


Steve Blevins:
Okay, I'll start the questioning.

To Shaggylocks: Your relationship with Coronet instructional films is best described as a) charmingly perverse, b) curiously perverse, c) disquietingly perverse, d) pathologically perverse, or e) perfectly normal except to people not named shaggylocks. (More than one may apply.)

To Sheldon: If you could delete any ten of shaggylocks's posts, which would they be?

To both: Which humorist has the higher I.Q.: Con Chapman or Shaggy, Sheldon, and Steve combined?


Shaggylocks:
I'm going to go with f) totally awesome. I love how they take complex problems and wrangle them into safe little black and white corrals. Am I ready to start dating? Why, of course I am! I love weenie roasts! Hey, why don't we invite the whole gang along! It'll be a hoot!

And Con Chapman, no question. He's absurdly prolific, and absurdly hilarious. I'm regularly in awe.

Steve, you seem to have taken my brazen deception rather well. Bravo.

And Bea, please put your kimono back on. That's just.... distracting.


Sheldon the Wonderhorse:
Don't listen to him, sweetie. He's just mad that he has to bat clean-up for GWool.

First, I would delete anything that doesn't overtly name-check me. Then, I would probably get rid of his series about Myra - not because they weren't good. In fact, it was just the opposite - they were TOO good. Here you go, thinking he's just a basic funny Joe, a simpleton, then he goes and writes something completely heartfelt and painful, and makes the rest of us look like a bunch of untalented chimps. Finally, I'd get rid of that one where he admitted he went to see TWILIGHT. He may want to run for office one day, and trust me, that will come back to haunt him and probably cost him the election.

As to the IQ question: I believe if you combined the brain power of the last three gentlemen you mentioned, you might generate enough electricity to make toast. Take that how you will.

Question to Steve: As a doctor, I'm sure you've had to stick your hands into places where hands should never be stuck. What is the strangest thing you've found? My money is on Ernest Borgnine's watch.

Question to Shaggy: When preparing to seduce a woman, which aftershave do you find works best: Hi-Karate or Brut by Mennan?


Shaggylocks:
Well, depending on the caliber of lady, the reputation and New York Times rating of the restaurant, and whether or not the movie theatre uses real of fake butter on the popcorn, I go with either Hellman's mayo or mesquite BBQ sauce, any brand. A dab behind the ears does wonders, I've found. My ace in the hole, though--and keep this between the three of us, if you don't mind--is Secret Valley ranch dressing. But that's only when I really need a slam dunk.

Question for you both: Of your own posts here on OS, do you have a favorite? How about any hidden gems that you didn't get the attention you thought it merited?


Steve Blevins:
Response to Sheldon: I once took care of a morbidly obese patient suffering from abdominal discomfort. On examination, I found a piece of buttered toast between abdominal skin folds. Overworked and hungry, I added a layer of strawberry jelly, which neutralized the stench. Both of us felt better after the intervention.

Response to Shaggy: Our sonnets, which occupy several posts, were underappreciated, though the low ratings do not surprise me. Poetry of such depth never appeals to the masses. If only Milton were alive to read our exchanges!


Sheldon the Wonderhorse:
Re: BBQ sauce. If I may be so bold, might I suggest you try a little of Famous Dave BBQ sauce? I find that when the Future Mrs. Wonderhorse looks to get frisky, a little dab of Famous Dave's on my undercarriage really gets the job done.

As for favorite pieces, I'll always have a soft-spot in my heart for "Why Don't More Pimps Wear Sweaters?". I was pretty proud of "An Open Letter to the Chainsaw-Wielding Maniac". "Wow, You Really Like .38 Special" was fun in that it prompted someone to send me racist hate mail - that was a new one.

As for overlooked ones, I don't know - I'm glad when ANYONE looks at this crap I write, so I can't be too upset if one piece doesn't get as much airplay as another one. That being said, I was pretty happy with "Ramon and the Pancakes of Ridiculousness" and it didn't generate as much of a response as I thought it might. Maybe because it was such a blatant rip-off of "Cruel Shoes", but still. Same goes for "Mmmm....Meat Truck". I thought that would get a larger reaction, but apparently buying meat off a truck is not that unusual for the inmates here at OS.

Question for you both: What CD/Album/Tape/8-Track do you have in your collection that you are ashamed to admit you own? What made you get it in the first place? Do you still listen to it when no one else is around?

Does Steve listen to New Kids on the Block between patients? Does Shaggy blast Celine Dion on roadtrips?  To find out the answers to these and more, tune in tomorrow for the next installment of the Epic Shaggy/Sheldon/Blevins Interview!!

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Part II of this interview is now posted on Sheldon's blog.