Looking for some light and enjoyable reading this past summer, I found myself skipping the more conventional beach reads and turning to a beloved collection of books from my youth.   I was the first grandchild on my mother’s side of the family, and so many of the hand-me-downs I received growing up were outgrown-but-still-functional items that once belonged to my mother and her three (older) sisters and two (younger) brothers.  This included, when I reached the appropriate age, a sizable collection of yellow hardcover Nancy Drew mystery stories.  My uncles—who were also subjected to inappropriately girly hand-me-downs—tried to right those past injustices by buying me Hardy Boys books, but it was too late.  I was already hooked on the titian-haired detective. 

Rediscovering the Drewniverse was not the rosy walk down memory lane that I had expected, however. The Drewniverse can be a maddening place: it seems so close to the world we live in and the world we know, yet it differs in some dramatic and important ways.  It’s like a terrarium constructed by an alien race for their homo sapiens exhibit in their intergalactic zoo.  But more on this later.

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 Obligatory spoiler alert: This post may casually discuss and reveal plot details of the following Nancy Drew books.  If, for some reason, you would not like to know the outcomes of these books, read no further.

#1 The Secret of the Old Clock
#5 The Secret of Shadow Ranch
#9 The Sign of the Twisted Candles
#16 The Clue of the Tapping Heels
#18 The Mystery of the Moss Covered Mansion
#23 Mystery of the Tolling Bell
#34 The Hidden Window Mystery
#46 The Invisible Intruder

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 First, let’s quickly review the cast of characters who populate the Drewniverse:

Nancy Drew: the girl detective, daughter of widowed lawyer Carson Drew.  Like most high school girls, she has her own convertible, a country club membership, can drive a motorboat, ride a horse, and is remarkably beautiful.  She also never ages, and has impeccable fashion sense, which we’ll learn through a paragraph devoted to each outfit she wears.  If she’s at a restaurant that is short-staffed, instead of complaining about the shitty service and leaving a couple pennies at the bottom of her coffee cup for tip, she and her friends will jump up and help out.  “We’ve waited tables before,” they’ll chirp.  “It’ll be fun!”  (Take note, restaurant owners: that statement should be the first indication that the speaker has never waited tables before.)  Speaking of her friends...

Georgia “George” Fayne: George is Nancy’s best friend, and instead of rebelling against her boyish name she embraces it, wearing her hair in a short boy cut.  She’s athletic (like a boy!) and sporty (like a boy!), and is not easily scared by the dangerous and scary adventures that come part and parcel with being the best friend of a renowned girl detective (like a boy!).  Like Nancy, she is rich and beautiful.

Bess Marvin: Bess is George’s cousin and Nancy’s other best friend.  She is very “girly:” flighty, fickle, and frightened, often asking Nancy to give up when things get scary.  She is always described as “slightly plump,” “round,” “heavier,” or some other polite variation of fat.  She’s ALWAYS hungry, and her friends tease her about her weight all the time.  Let’s take a look at Fat Bess Marvin, shall we?

I know what you’re thinking: OH. MY. GOD.  WHAT A FATTY FAT FAT.  I'm sure you’re probably tempted to avert your eyes in disgust, but don’t.  Let it be a cautionary tale to those of you who just can’t resist that extra helping of dessert: drop the danish or you too may become a little piggy like Bess Marvin.

The Boys: each of these high school beauties is dating an Emerson College football player.  Not going steady, mind you, but these boys are their “favorite dates.”  Nancy dates Ned Nickerson, George dates Burt Eddleton, and Fatty Bess dates Dave Evans (who, believe it or not, is not visually impaired in any way).  The boys sometimes tag along on Nancy’s adventures, and their presense comes in handy when, well, boys are needed, i.e. subduing angry suspects, protecting the girls from danger, and completing complex mathematical proofs.  They are NOT, mind you, boy detectives.  More on this later.

How to Solve a Nancy Drew Mystery Story:

Want to know who the bad guy is before Nancy does? Follow this one simple step!

Step One:  Identify someone who is rude and/or unfriendly.  Even if the person seems to have absolutely no connection to the mystery whatsoever—say, an irritable neighbor or impatient restaurant patron—this person should become your number one suspect.

That’s it! In the Drewniverse, criminals are mean, rude, often unkempt, and secretive.  If you have a fence around your property, it's because you're up to no good and want to deter law abiding citizens from wandering too close. The good guys are always polite and friendly.  In literature as in life, amirite?

Along these same lines, one notable feature of the Drewniverse is the Absolute Authority of Nancy Drew.  If she says (or even thinks) something, it is to be taken as absolute truth.  Let’s look at The Sign of the Twisted Candles, for instance.  To call this book a "mystery" is a bit generous, since we very clearly know by the second chapter who the bad guys are and what bad business they are up to. The only real mystery is how the adults in the book can be so incompetent, including police officers who regularly disregard the fourth amendment (You mean this young girl thinks there's something fishy going on in that house? We better break in and investigate!!). Any dime-a-dozen trial lawyer culled from the classified ads of a free weekly circular could have had this case thrown out, except the bad guys, in true Drewniverse form, make a full confession the second they're caught.  Don’t want the police breaking into your house solely on the whims and suspicions of a sixteen year old girl? Well, you should have thought of that before you became a crime suspect, crime suspect!

This is what I mean when I say the Drewniverse feels like an alien terrarium.  Another great example of the Absolute Authority of Nancy Drew can be seen in The Invisible Intruder, and involves my favorite character, Ned Nickerson.

 Depending on who wrote the story (Carolyn Keene being a shared pseudonym), Ned can either be brave and resourceful or merely incompetent brawn.  He always wants so badly to be involved so he can “protect” Nancy (and, to his credit, he has saved her life a couple of times), but his involvement is occasionally counterproductive.  Since I like my Nancy Drew stories to be chock full of girl power, I like it when Ned looks like an idiot, and boy does he look like an idiot in The Invisible Intruder!

Listen, Ned: If two guys kidnap you and you somehow manage to escape, you HAVE TO TELL THE POLICE. I know your girlfriend is a detective and all, but that doesn't really count. You can't just tell her.  And—20 pages later, mind you—when it becomes clear that the bad guys are trying to drive the prices down on various pieces of real estate (including the Red Barn Inn) by making them seem haunted, that's not the best time to conveniently remember that oh, you saw a piece of paper in the back of the kidnappers car that said "Force sale Red Barn." Ned, that's a MAJOR CLUE! The bad guys WROTE DOWN THEIR EVIL PLAN and then LEFT IT IN THE BACKSEAT OF THE CAR THEY KIDNAPPED YOU IN!

See Ned, this is why you're not a boy detective like the Hardy Boys. Don't kid yourself: Nancy keeps you around because you're easy on the eyes, not because you're a teenage Sherlock Holmes.

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Despite the maddening logic of  the Drewniverse, there's something terribly compelling about these books.  The titles, the cover art, the stories: even though I know certain things will drive me crazy (seriously, FOURTH AMMENDMENT), I look at the titles and look at the covers and just want to read them all.

 Well, there's always next summer...