I read once that 60% of women do NOT regular orgasm from sex. Sixty percent. A small percent always does, and another small percent NEVER does. So I got to thinking: maybe my experiences aren’t necessarily as vastly different from other women as I have always imagine. Maybe if I describe what I experience, maybe someone will read this and learn something about themselves. Or maybe I am just opening myself up to a lot of trouble.
But I feel the need to explain my particular take on the female orgasm. I am not representing this as the typical female experience, so please be advised that it will not necessarily follow that these descriptions will help you in any way.
I have debated about writing anything on this topic. Am I normal? What if I am not? Maybe I am just alerting the world to my own personal freakiness. Alas, I can only be me.
Freud the Fraud claimed that of the two female orgasm that he saw, one was mature, that derived from penile-vaginal intercourse, and one was immature, that arising from the clitoris. Yet again, the man demonstrates his lack of basic understanding. Being stoned and examining “dysfunctional” women is no excuse to such an incorrect, misogynistic view.
I would define an orgasm as “mind-numbing waves”. This only arises in me from a very specific maneuver involving my clitoris. I am, may I now note, uncomfortable typing the word clitoris. Clitoris, clitoris, clitoris. Clit seems less useful. At least clitoris doesn’t engage my spell checker, drawing one’s eye directly to the word with a bright red line underneath it. I cannot stand direct pressure on this little hub of wonder. Pillows are nice though. I imagine that a human body would work as well (soft flesh overtop of firm bone). That might do. Once, yes I said once, I had an orgasm with such a. . . instrument. The key, I believe, was letting go psychologically. I had stopped caring (for him). It had actually never occurred to me that I should incorporate what I knew to work for me into my (albeit unsatisfactory, and often undesirable) sex life. I saw no connection between those soothing little waves and what boys wanted to do to me. This fact seems funny to me (as I am sure it would to anyone reading this).
I have described the unsatisfactory nature of sex for me in my past sex life. Intercourse was, lacking. As a teenager, sexual connect left me frustrated and angry. I truly understand the notion of blue balls. Trust me.
As a young adult, it was no longer such, but was still only fun sometimes. I did enjoy having sex with him since I have a tendency to be a people pleaser. (And willing to do what others want--to a certain extent. Okay, so this is one of the only places, but it was overwhelming. But don’t think that I would do anything, because I wouldn’t. I have a strong aversion to anything related to anal-anything.)
And this brings me to a quote I recently found:
“I was greatly attracted to him as one of the [“only” is crossed out] few young men I had no sexual repulsion for besides which it gave me a false sense of security to feel that he was endowed with more overwhelming qualities which I did not possess”--Marilyn Monroe
This explains something to me. It gives me an out, an excuse, another person that felt something the way that I did. I have discussed the absence of sexual attraction to others that I felt during my teen years, most of my twenties, and somewhat for the beginning part of my thirties. I do not want to regurgitate this information again here, it exists elsewhere in past blogs (pretty much anything labeled sex).
So my point is, I enjoyed sex with this person for a non-sexual reason, almost all of the time. But then I also enjoyed it for the common reason as well, sometimes. And this brings me to the other kind of orgasm.
I don’t think that it is necessarily two distinct orgasms (clitoral vs. vaginal). But nor do I think that it all originates with the clitoris. Obviously they are connected. But the two feelings are distinct (all the while being connected--I’ll explain in a second).
This second orgasm-like feeling is very different to what I would describe as an orgasm (mind-numbing waves). This feelings has no waves. But it is often far more intense. The clitoral orgasm has a distinct beginning and end. Brain scans of women show that their brains literally shut down during those lovely waves. The orgasm-like sensations arise from touching the g-spot or from deep penetration (particularly from what I would describe as backwards sex, the name given because I hate doggy style. I am aware that most people would use backward instead of backwards, and they are probably wondering why I dislike their name for it. I am not a dog.)
I am aware that not all women feel both sensations and it is possible that I simply have not felt the vaginal one. I have no method of testing this theory.
There are other differences. Both are varied. This is in intensity, length, and sensation.
To achieve a clitoral orgasm: Step one, decide one would be pleasant. First of all, as a teenager, I was able to have an orgasm (mind-numbing waves) without touching any part of myself. It was achievable through fantasy and being very, very turned on. Horny is a word I avoid. I prefer amorous. Anyways, I can start an orgasm within thirty seconds of deciding that I want one (given that: one, I am alone; and two, I am already turned on). So I decide I want one, apply medium pressure as described above, release in rhythmic pattern, while breathing steadily and deeply. Sometimes it seems to help if I have a sense that I might miss the mark. I can’t really explain this; I am not sure how.
This is like hitting the on-switch (which is obviously the clitoris). This wakes the g-spot up. There is a short wait time for this. The flesh of my vagina changes as well--when it is smooth and supple, it feels really nice, not so much when it becomes more course (almost bumpy). Don’t get me wrong, this is all very subtle, possibly easily missed.
I always have two orgasms, at least. Sometimes they will move into another, with a little more effort. But generally, it is necessary to wait for a minute or two in between.
There are three states of arousal. The first is physical. And within this, you can be physically aroused in that particular area only, or it can spread across the entirety of my body--or somewhere in-between. The second is psychological. This is difficult to bring about purposefully, it seems to be primarily influenced by hormonal shifts. Film, literature, erotica, music, and television all can play a factor in it--but it is difficult to manipulate it at all. It is necessary to find the image (etc.), but they lose their effect with repeated usage and time (requiring the acquisition of additional media). Sometimes this is overwhelming, at other times it is minimal. And the third is both physical and psychological. This is the best state of all. The orgasm somehow arises not just in that sweet spot, but also throughout my thighs.
A final word on the the types of desire: you can place a sheet of cookies in the oven, but if you don’t first turn the oven on, you will never actually bake any cookies.
I do not own a vibrator. It seems illogical to me (especially the common shape--what’s the point in that?). I have attempted to try an alternative vibrator--simply out of curiosity. For $9.99 you can buy one at Staples. I find it lacking. First of all, it has only worked a couple of times, and the results make me feel more frustrated and does not bring about the desired relief or relaxation that an ordinary orgasm would enable. It is also a different kind of feeling. It is almost painful (as touching my clitoris is when I am turned on). The sensation is annoying, I suppose due to the too consistent rhythm. This “orgasm” is a cold heat, almost physically numbing, as opposed to the warmth of an mind-numbing orgasm. Let’s face it, who would want to numb their physical body in this regard or area? And besides, it does not clear out my mind. It does have the waves. But it is closer to the feeling of a tooth ache, but not necessarily painful. Again, I cannot quite explain what I mean by this, other than to assure you that it is true.
For me, it is the wanting that is desirable. I am disappointed with male-centered sexuality and sex. I have previously discussed the differences between wanting sex(ual intercourse), sexual affection, affection, love, and the impact of a particular person. Ultimately, I like wanting someone--but lack the necessary person to want. As I have said elsewhere, I am not attracted to gender. I am just now coming to terms with past attractions to females--both because I wasn’t aware of what it was and because I have always been afraid of finding myself attracted to a female for fear of having to endure the discrimination and hardship involved in lesbian relationships.
As far as fantasy: I can have an orgasm through the physical--see above steps for clitoral orgasm. But it is with fantasy that it really, well, comes alive. It is a way of combining the physical and psychological. But my fantasies are fear-centered. This does a couple of things: one, it takes the control away from me and thus allows me to participate without social ramifications; two, it creates a strong blood flow to that general area with fear/adrenaline that is perfectly safe; and three, it allows me to think about images and thoughts and words without the constant self-censor.
I wrote the above journal entry on October 21, 2010. I was too afraid to post it. Please be kind.