There are no pictures of this event to share, none that I took, anyway. Oh, we took some before we left to attend, but I could not seem to participate in the snap fest at my sister's house. Friends of my niece, the pregnant dentist, took plenty of pictures of the event. She was, after all, quite lovely. In fact she was glowing.
She probably looked better than I have seen her in some time. I think that pregnancy can do that for a woman.
I am not going say anything about her husband who was not there, nor am I going to say anything about his drunken rant at the wedding in January we had all attended, concerning the pregnancy. I don't think he really meant any of it.
I am not going to delve into the nether world of how being pregnant came as a shock to my niece. Attaining a doctorate in anything kind of sets you up for a font of knowledge somewhere along the line, so you should have realized that sex can lead to pregnancy...
Enough. I was happy to be there, happy for my niece and happy her sister, the recently married mother of an 8 year old, threw the shower for her. Even though it was at my deceased sister's home and she asked us to bring a dish to pass; I did make home made meatballs and it was fun.
My daughter had been invited to attend, when I asked her to fly home for the weekend, so we could go together, she was, um, not too thrilled. She had a tremendous amount of work at school, so I understood and let her off the hook. I knew my husband would take me, drop me off and then come back for me, but I still thought I wanted someone to sit with. My son who is a senior in college offered to be "the one". I had asked my other son's girlfriend, but she had to work.
That morning at breakfast on our terrace, she was also there. She had been cancelled at work and offered to go. I was thrilled! I would have a gal pal to sit with and play any of the party games that I knew would probably take place. It was decided that my husband and two sons would come along, drop us off, go shopping and then pick us up. I do drive, but I was getting over being on some medication which prevented me from doing so. The other part of the plan was to go to a Greek restaurant for dinner on the way home, so it was all good.
Everything was going fairly good at the party. I had not been in the house since right after my sister's death and that above all was part of my issue going there. I just didn't feel good about it. There is some back story about all this, it has to do with her death there, no autopsy, and the twists and turns of someones death too young and all the laundry that gets hung in the aftermath.
When you do not see a person frequently and then they die, it is almost as if they did not pass. Somewhere in your mind they are still where they always seem to be. It is only when confronted with something, like an event like this, that it seems fresh, new, sometimes painful. I think it is called delayed grief. I still had some kind of anger and some issues and I was comfortable just thinking there was no death.
In the end, I was glad I went. Linda Seccaspina offered some comforting words and very good advice. So I did it. I had a lot of angst before hand, but about three quarters of the way through it all if I had been asked, I would have said all was well. It was at that point a neighbor of my sisters said a few things to me that made me teary eyed and said a few more things which led to a full out discussion of things that would have probably been better left unsaid. In saying them, she and I both, we did kind of feel better after it all. She was able to fill in several blanks for me and clear up some things that I had felt "were just not right." She in turn was able to air some things that she had thoughts on, concerns for and things she thought I would appreciate knowing.
It really did put to rest a few of the itchy bad things and smoothed over some of the others. For her part, she felt good about helping and also talking about the things she found difficult to understand too.
Suffice to say, a huge burden of anger had been lifted on one hand and the knowledge that my sister had done a lot for many people in the neighborhood, she was a nurse, and how she was very well liked and was terribly missed....well you know...
I finally made it out of that stage of grief.
My sons and husband had come back in and were helping put things away, pack my niece's car with gifts and snack and chat in another room.
When we left, it was like leaving something grey behind. We had a lovely dinner and fun at the restaurant, it is a very lively place. It was one of my sister's favorites!
I am usually able to feel something or see something that is unseen. I had expected an encounter at her home and had avoided the upstairs where she had died. I was encouraged to go up, but I could not.
I had really felt nothing. I did ask my husband if there was anything. I asked him, "Did you feel anything?" I did not expect anything because he generally does not have these experiences. His eyes teared up and he said yes, "She is sad." I was shocked. I could not imagine that. I said, "Did you talk to her, did you ask her why?" He said yes. He told me that she was sad, because "She misses her family."
This made me very sad but I realized that because she was taken so quickly that perhaps she was still trying to adjust. It made sense that she would say that, she was very involved with her daughters, especially her granddaughter.
So my reaction to this event was bittersweet. It was hardly about a baby to be born, it was about processing grief, family, missing someone who you loved and finding a way of moving on. I think my sister will continue to stay around until she sees her new grandson is born, maybe a few more months, then maybe she will finally go on. She will realize everything is going as it should and she can be peaceful and be happy again.
Copyright 2012 by SheilaTGTG55