Sheldon The Wonderhorse

Eating Apples Since 1969

Well, that was exciting, no? I, for one, was shocked by what I was seeing from these two political powerhouses. Let's take a moment and look back at the events of the evening.

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8:00 - Candidates meet and shake hands. Romney says "I will break you" in Russian accent.

8:02… Read full post »

As some of you know, I am running for president.

Sure, it's been a quiet campaign so far - no tv ads, no radio spots, no post-convention bump. But, that's not going to dissuade me from leading this country back to prosperity. It's time the American  people get to know… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 30, 2012 10:06PM

THE TWO ASIAN GUYS EATING CUPCAKES

Sheldon The Wonderhorse: Hey. Take a look at that.

Mrs. Wonderhorse: What?

StW: That. Over there.

MW: What? I have no idea what you’re looking at.

StW: Them. Over there. Those guys.

MW: Who? Which guys?

StW: The two asian guys eating cupcakes.

MW: Yeah? What about them?

StW: Well, they/… Read full post »

JANUARY 11, 2012 8:56AM

Things My Boy Should Know: A Guyde

I got thinking about babies today.

Specifically, I got thinking about mine. He's not here yet, the Wonderpony, but we're only a few weeks away. With February fast approaching, I realized, "Holy shite, Shel, you got to get the boy some learnin' and fast". So, I started thinking: What should every… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 29, 2011 11:05AM

I May Have to Kill That Snowman

Boy, this is turning out to be a bad idea.

At the time, it seemed harmless enough. Build a snowman, give him a magic hat, watch him come to life, frivolity ensues. I was all set for hysterical quips and skimming down snow-covered hills on his back. I thought we'd… Read full post »

Well done, madam. Well done indeed.

You are fully invested in the holiday, and I for one salute you. It's not everyone who has, dare I say, the balls to leave one's house with a giant turkey on their sweatshirt. But you, my friend, obviously swim against the stream of the… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 22, 2011 1:07PM

Looking a Gift Horse in the Mouth

How was your day?

Odd.

What do you mean?

I mean, odd. A guy at work gave me a potato.

A potato.

Yep.

Like a potato potato?

Yeah. A potato potato.

Like a baked potato?

No, like a raw potato.

He gave you a raw potato.

Yes, he gave me a raw potato.… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 21, 2011 3:11PM

Just Wait....

Dear Current and/or Past Parents of Various Peoples,

First off, thank you for your well wishes regarding the news of the Wonderpony. It's hard to believe the wee lad will be here in just a couple of months. Mrs. Wonderhorse and I are very excited, and are looking at this as… Read full post »

Real-estate mogul / possible presidential candidate Donald Trump held a press-conference this morning to announce that he had a bowl of cereal for breakfast.

"Today is a great day," Trump said, while fighting a stiff northeasterly wind. "This morning, I consumed an entire bowl of Cookie Crisp, which… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 18, 2010 12:29PM

Special Child Discovered to be "Exceedingly Unspecial"

(AP) Evanston, IL - An Evanston family was devastated to learn yesterday that their "special" child was actually, in fact, completely unspecial.

"We were shocked," said Margaret Thompson, 45. "We could have sworn little Preston was completely special. In fact, we've been telling him ever since he was… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 16, 2010 1:05PM

McRib-tickling

Oh, McRib. Welcome back.

A Pork-esque Sammie. 

I think I can say in all honesty, it's been at least 13 years since I've had one of these bad boys. Hey, McRib? Whaddya say we make it another 13 years, huh? I swear, I had one of these two days ago, and I still… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 3, 2010 10:46AM

Dear America, I Quit

Oh America. 

Why, why, WHY must you be the stereotypical battered girlfriend who constantly falls for the ol' "But baby, I've changed. I promise, it'll be different this time" line? It won't, and all you're going to end up with is a broken arm and a chipped tooth.  

Sure, there… Read full post »

OCTOBER 21, 2010 11:21AM

Grampa's Balls

I got thinking about balls today. Specifically, those belonging to Brett Favre.

Yet Another Photo of Favre With a Ball in his Hand 

Don't get me wrong - I don't usually spend a lot of time thinking about or picturing the scroticular region of men, not to mention future Hall of Fame quarterbacks. But this is different - I have no… Read full post »

Days after her debate with Chris Coons, Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell was surprised to discover that Missouri is actually a state.

Really? Missouri  is a state? 

"Where does it show that?", she asked. "Show me on a map where Missouri is a state".

When shown a map by an advisor, O'Donnell shrugged it o… Read full post »

OCTOBER 8, 2010 12:33PM

Blackeyes and Boysenberry

Boy oh boy, that was a mistake.

I absolutely MUST stop going to the Waffle House at 2:00am.

I mean, seriously. I went out last night, ran into Axl Rose, and now here I am, sporting whiteguy corn-rows and have a mouth stained with boysenberry. The sad part is, with… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 24, 2010 12:08PM

Sheldon's Pledge to America

I got thinking about pledges this morning.

For the most part, I like pledges. They tend to be nice little personal affirmations of "You know what, Chester? You make me feel a certain way, and as a result, I'm going to act like this in response" (Pledges also make your… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 9, 2010 11:21AM

The Nuptials: The Nuptials

So there it is.

The Future Mrs. Wonderhorse is now, simply, The Mrs. Wonderhorse. I've spent the last few months writing about the planning of the ceremony, and now that it's over, I feel it is time to bring the series to an end with a brief recap of the day's festivities.… Read full post »

AUGUST 27, 2010 11:28AM

Douchebagapalooza

Oh douchebags, is there no end to the joy you bring? You can tell fall is coming around the corner, because the Douchebag Harvest is in full swing.

Take for instance, Glen Beck. Sure he's an easy target, but just when you think he's hit the top of the Douchebag Index… Read full post »

AUGUST 16, 2010 9:17AM

The Balcony Is Closed

This weekend marked the end of an era. An era that started 35 years ago in a small television studio in Chicago, and it went out just like it came in: quiet, unassuming, and with very little fanfare.

Sneak Previews first aired on September 4, 1975 on Chicago's PBS station WTTW… Read full post »

Shocking news out of Hollywood today that the new Julia Roberts movie Eat Pray Love will feature a scene in which the 43-year-old star laughs.

Look - It's A Lady Sitting On a Bench
 

Since becoming a star with the 1990 hit Pretty Woman, Roberts has long been seen as an extremely serious actress who has never even cr… Read full post »

AUGUST 11, 2010 1:23PM

To All The Girls I Semi-Liked Before

I got thinking about old girlfriends today.

As my bachelor days are winding down, I found myself flashing back on those that got me here. Those that made me act like a fool. Those that made me pull out more hair than I could afford. You know, those that had me… Read full post »

JULY 21, 2010 12:52PM

The Nuptials: May The Best Man Win

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Best Man Olympics! I'm your host, Biff Robinson, and I'll be giving you the play-by-play in this winner-takes-all competition to see who will have the honor of standing next to Sheldon the Wonderhorse during his quickly-approaching nuptials. Let's meet the contest… Read full post »

As I'm sure you have heard by now, a man was detained at a Mexico City airport after it was discovered he was smuggling 18 monkeys in his girdle.

Clearly, I have no idea how those monkeys got in there.

How Did This Monkey Get In My Girdle? 

I was just minding my own business, making my… Read full post »

Bryan Ferry, the dapper frontman of the popular British band Roxy Music, was recently spotted in cutoffs, flip-flops and black socks. The usually besuited Ferry, aged 65, was seen last week strolling the aisles of a Walmart outside of Spokane, Washington, filling his cart with corndogs and discount m… Read full post »

JULY 8, 2010 12:03PM

An Open Letter: Airing My Decision

To: The Citizens of the Milky Way and Everywhere Else

From: The Desk of Sheldon The Wonderhorse (not so much a desk as much as a couple of pillows propped up on the couch)

Dear Friends,

First off, I would like to thank you all for your patience over the last few weeks. I realize… Read full post »