Earlier tonight, I was flipping around the dial, and came across "Chained Heat", a women's prison flick from 1983 starring Linda Blair, Sybil Danning, and John "Dean Wormer" Vernon. I've never seen this all the way through, and being a both a guy and a film fan, I just wanted to make it to the first shower scene. I think I had to wait all of 10 minutes. Say what you want about a movie called "Chained Heat" - it knows it's audience and what they're looking for. Plus, how can you beat this tag line: "White hot desire melts cold prison steel"? You bet it does.
If you're looking for a plot, from what I could tell Linda Blair is the innocent hero sent to the evil women's prison that John Vernon rules with an Iron Fist and, for some reason, Stella Stevens. Now, Stella is "dating" Henry Silva. First off, no one should ever date Henry Silva. The guy just exudes evil. I'm not sure exactly what his role in all of this is, but he seems to be some sort of pimp. But here's what's striking about Silva's character, Lester. He's not wearing a flashy suit, a big velvet hat with a peacock feather. He's not all tricked out in gold.
He's wearing a sweater.
A regular old fashioned Pat Boone sweater.
And, I gotta say, it worked.
It made him a little less smarmy, dressing him in that sweater. A little more benign. But it's Henry Silva, so you know he probably has a razor in his shoe, but still. It's a sweater. I don't know - he came off as only slightly less violence-prone as, say, Bing Crosby. And trust me, Bing would have no problem taking a nine-iron upside your head. He wouldn't even blink.
Now, don't get me wrong - I love the flash. Anyone who can pull off the three-piece lime green satin suit with the two-tone platform shoes look already has my respect. That is clearly a man who knows and loves what he does. But there is something about the casual Friday approach to pimping that I find somewhat endearing. Personally, I think you can't go wrong with a nice cable-knit or perhaps a jaunty argyle from Macy's. Just stay away from the sweater vest.
Don't want to look like a pussy.