Sheldon The Wonderhorse

Eating Apples Since 1969
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MARCH 11, 2009 11:08AM

My Dentist is Part of a Vast Conspiracy

Rate: 41 Flag

Okay, maybe that's an overstatement. But not by much.

I went to the dentist yesterday. Like most people, I don't like going to the dentist. The thought that I'm actually paying someone to put their fingers in my mouth and poke me with sharp objects is hard to reconcille.  I've been going to this dentist for about a year, and I'm convinced they're screwing me. I don't like being screwed.

Full disclosure: I went for a long stretch of time without seeing a dentist. You know the story - poor actor, no insurance, I'll just brush (and occassionally floss) and hope for the best. When I finally got insurance that included dental, I thought a trip to the densist for a check-up and cleaning would certainly be in order. I asked my girlfriend for the number for her DDS, and I made an appointment. I didn't realize that there are actually dentist franchises, but apparently there are, and mine is one of them. It's like the SuperCuts of dentistry. You walk in and there are rows of examination chairs with just a sort of Ikea-esque wind screen seperating them. The first time I sat in one of those, I kept looking at the screen, waiting for the blood splatter to hit it.

So, the first time I went to this dentist, he's doing his thing.  X-rays, scraping, the usual. Soon enough, he says, "Well, I know it's been awhile since you've been to a dentist, but whatever you're doing, keep it up! Everything looks great!". Excellent! He schedules me to come back in two weeks for a cleaning.

Two weeks pass. I return. The hygenist does her magic and says, "Oh, another doctor wants to take a look at you." This is where I met my current DDS, a very tall, obnoxious woman with a thick Texas accent. Oh boy. Dentists and Texans - two of the things I dislike most, all wrapped up in one blonde, post-menapausal package.

The first thing she asks me is what kind of toothbrush I use. I have no idea - it's a toothbrush. She tells me I need to get this thing called a Soniccare toothbrush. It is, apparently, the Lear Jet of toothbrushes. This thing is guaranteed to change my life, improve my sexual performance and allow me to see through time. It also costs over $100. Oh, but lucky for me, she just happens to have a coupon.

She examines my mouth and tells me, "Well, sugah, you gonna need what we cahll a 'deep cleanin'". Well, sugah, that deep cleanin' was gonna run me about $700. Needless to say, I was not pleased. It was so deep, that it actually took two sessions. Again, not pleased. But, I was told that this deep cleanin' would take care of all my problems, and by the end of it, my teeth would be so strong and powerful that I could actually bite through wood. While I didn't think I would ever be in the position where I would have to chew my way out of a forest, I suppose one never knows, and best to be prepared.

A couple of months after the procedure, I'm back in the chair for a follow-up. The Texan is out of the office, so I see another doc. She tells me, "Everything looks great - keep doing what you're doing!". She asks me to come back in a couple of months to see my regular Texas DDS for a follow-up, and oh, by the way...what kind of toothbrush do you use? I came prepared this time. "I use the Crest Spinbrush," I say, proudly. "Well, that's a pretty good one," she tells me. "But you should look into the Soniccare toothbrush. It's the Lear Jet of toothbrushes. I guarantee it will change your life, improve your sexual performance, and you will be able to see through time. Oh, and here's a coupon."

So, yesterday was the follow-up to the follow-up. The hygenist does the cleaning and takes some X-rays. The Texan soon enters and first thing out of her mouth? "So what kind of toothbrush you usin', sugah?" I tell her the Crest Spinbrush, already knowing what's coming next. Feel free to sing along.

"Well, that Spinbrush don't do a thing. You need to get the Soniccare toothbrush. It's the Lear Jet of toothbrushes. I guarantee it will change your life, improve your sexual performance, and you will be able to see through time. Oh, and here's a coupon".

It finally sunk in. My dentist is part of a vast conspiracy sponsored by the Soniccare people. They are planning to take over the world, one molar at a time.

She then tells me that looking at my X-rays, I need two crowns because two fillings I had when I was a kid have cracked and I also have two small cavities. "Wait a fucking second," I say (Okay, I don't say fucking, but it's certainly implied). "I was here two months ago, and your people said everything was great, keep doing what I'm doing. Now, you're telling me that I have to get two crowns and have two cavities that have suddenly appeared?"

"Well, sugah," she drawled. "We musta missed them before."

WHY THE FUCK AM I PAYING YOU THEN?? You are a dentist - you are supposedly trained NOT to miss things tooth-related. I could forgive you for not seeing I had an enlarged spleen - not your area. But for everything in the mouth, I'm holding you responsible. You, as the dentist, are my go-to-guy for all things oral. Are these actual problems or are you just looking for random shit to make sure I keep coming back? When did my dentist become as corrupt as my mechanic?

She then proceeds to do her scraping and poking (again with the poking).  When it seems like she finally has her entire first in my mouth, she begins to tell me all about her recent hysterectomy. Note to all female dentists: I think I can speak for all the guys out there when I say we don't give a rat's ass about your hysterectomy. We don't want to hear about your hysterectomy. We don't care that you had a hysterectomy. Especially, when we have a mouthful of your hand. I'm sorry you had to have one, you have my sympathy, but that's really where my involvement ends. If you are not our wife, mother, girlfriend, aunt, or good friend, leave the hysterectomy talk at home. I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate your OB-GYN telling you all about his unusally-shaped prostate when he's wrist deep in your business. She then goes on to tell me how her doctor forbade her from doing water aerobics for awhile because all the jumping up in down in water make all the inside female parts bounce around like a superball. I closed my eyes, and waited for it all to end. Small talk is bad. Medical small talk is worse.

I finish up, and pay my bill. The receptionist shows me an estimate of what the two crowns will cost me on my next visit: $1300. I literally shit my pants. Right there in the office. I could feel it running down my leg. Okay, that's a lie, but I certainly felt a bowel-clinch. I can't wait to see what they find wrong next time. Maybe I will need my tongue replaced. I'm semi-tempted to eat nothing by jelly donuts and Pixie Stix for the next month. By god, if you're going to charge me $1300, you damn well are going to have to work for it.

Gotta go - that fucking toothbrush is on sale.

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dental conspiracies, humor

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Funny staff as always, my good man. I had not been in a long, long time and got the quadrant deep cleaning thing done as well. No push on the sonic care toothbrush, but I did get pushed on a certain kind of mouthwash.

No hysterectomy talk, either.

I was actually kind of hoping for a bigger breasted hygenist so I would have a reason to keep my eyes open during the process.
Funniest thing I have read on OS.
I was laughing out loud, eyes tearing - at work.
OMG SHELDON!!! I totally agree ... dentists are employed by the devil ... and sonicare (which is actually quite amazing). I am totally dental phobic so I brush and floss until they actually tell me not to do it so much because I'm ruining my gums ...

Poor Sheldon ... I guess it costs so much because ...well, not being rude ... you do have horse teeth ... kinda big ...

LOL ~ feelin' your pain, pal ...
ohohohohohohoh ~ dont' forget your coupon!!!
Run as fast as you can to a non-Texan, non-franchised DDS!!! But then again, you may be getting a bargain...just one crown cost me $779!
I think they're all the same. My "visiting" hygenist asked me last week as I was swallowing more blood during my "deep cleaning" than Vlad The Impaler at The Festival of the Undead, why I was so cranky. I shouted as she continued her gloved sojourn to the depths of my innards that it was simple !! "You're stabbing me to death with a metal toothpick !".
My regular dentist knows to keep the little butterflies moving on the mobile and to not describe anything to me.
Oh man, I am so with you on this. And I got one of those soniccare toothbrushes and I hated it. And the woman who sold it to me. I felt plugged into a bad vibrator. I like my Braun spinning toothbrush. Screw them.
Always remember dentists and car mechanics are boat owners. They have something called boat payments. Always ask this when you book your first appointment.
Always look forward to your posts - started laughing when you mentioned looking for the blood spatter.

I've had at least one unnecessary crown in my life. I hope you can at least get a second opinion - of course, they will insist on their own x rays and you may end up $300 in the hole just to double check this thing. I'd complain about dentists but my really good friend here has her own practice, and I think she's honest. Though I sure do seem to need a lot of xrays!

Loved learning the detail that you are an actor. Majored in theatre (a decade ago), and now direct and write (on a small scale, here in my community). Also a Texan, but maybe you wouldn't automatically hate me because I worked really hard in college to get that ayaksent under control! Rated as always.
Man, get thee to a REAL dentist! No one has ever tried to sell me a
"quandrant" deep cleaning, which sounds like a scam, or a sonic care toothbrush, another scam, and my teeth are fine and dandy. Dentists are like vets in many respects. They eyeball you and come up with a number they think you might reasonably pay. They're a bit more honest if you have insurance because there are fee schedules, but the range can still be large.
I've gone to the dentist every six months faithfully since I was a little kid. I had four fillings done in the span of six months when I was about 7 or 8. Then boom, nothing until I was a poor college kid under my parents' plan and had my first crown at 19.

The gorram Novocaine wore off partway through, and they had to try and peel me off the ceiling when the drill hit...well, you know. Gods, I hate dentists.

Since then, I've had one other filling and my dentist always tells me what a fantastic job of brushing/flossing/rinsing/teeth care I do -- but then tells me I have another cavity and will need my other three fillings replaced within the next two years.

Sigh. Why, oh why?
Hilarious Sheldon. Have you looked at your teeth in your Avatar lately? Let me tell you about the toothbrush I use, it is a Sonicare...

All kidding aside, I have used a Sonicare for a good 10 years and all bullshit aside there is nothing like it. It's well worth the money. With that said, Dentists are not all quite truthful. My wife has perfect teeth and was told so for many years by our beloved family dentist. He retired, we went to look for a new dentist and he told my wife she needed two crowns (imagine that) at about $1,000 back then. We went to another dentist that we knew. He's a friend and although neither of us enjoy our good friend's hands in our mouths, he told my wife that she didn't need to crowns at all. He actually even laughed.

Your lack of trust is well earned by the greed that exists within every profession.

Wait 'till you find out how much the refill brushes on the Lear Jet Toothbrush cost. Here in Utahard, we just pull 'em all at the dentist and give you a fresh new set of fake ones. Forgit about it when it comes to preventative or restorative care at the dentist. You are now the official Post-Menapausal Poster Child of the Month. Funny and refreshing as always. Rated with a smile.
Many dentists are like that. I swear I found a good one outside Orlando should you be in the vicinity. He undercharges and provides the most professional compassionate care possible. And he did not pay me to write this ;0)

Probably wouldn't matter to you but he's handsome too.
LMAO... franchised dental care? Really? Oh, Lord... you are funny. I hate dentists but I know they're necessary.
I had a great dentist, who retired and sold his practice to another great dentist, but that was after my experience with a childhood dentist who thought to stop me from crying by holding his hand over my nose and mouth.

It worked.

Tell them you have no dental insurance and no money and see if your crowns magically turn into cheap fillings.
I've also been told that I "needed" crowns, which turned out to be bullshit. I also turn down x-rays that I feel are unnecessary. One dentist actually told me to leave his office when I refused x-rays one month after another dentist had already x-rayed the tooth. I worked briefly in a dentist's office way back in the Dark Ages and at least half of dentists are scam artists.

I have a great one now, and I treat him with the same professional respect that he treats me. I also like that he does a lot of dentistry for free here, and in Third World countries.
Last time I was at the dentist, they told me I needed caps on my teeth to keep me from grinding my teeth. Of course they weren't covered by insurance! And of course they broke off two months later (after we had moved out of state)!

I don't trust dentists anymore.

It's hard to not transfer that prejudice to your kid when you're trying to get him to go to the dentist for the first time.

Sorry for the pain (physical and financial), but it was pretty funny to read. Rated.
It is a conspiracy. Mine is not part of the Sonicare conspiracy, but my husband gets the "everything's fine" treatment one time, then the next its "deep cleaning" time, depending on which dentist needs to make a car payment.

I had a small cavity, which of course needed to be filled immediately so it wouldn't get bigger. I never got it filled, switched dentists for unrelated reasons, and 10 years later, not one dentist has seen this cavity again.

Then there was the horrible hygenist who literally cut my gums with the x-ray card. I took my son in for a cleaning, and suddenly they were sending him to x-ray. Um, but you didn't at age 4.5, why now? No, you're not going to do it because you hurt me, and he's smaller. And you want to take my 5-year-old to a back room and won't let me come along? And now you won't do a cleaning if I refuse the x-ray? (At which point my son excitedly says "oooh, I get to have x-rays!!!! and I caved.)
You are like an endless Seinfeld episode, Sheldon. I'm picking you up for another season. Well written, sir.
It gets worse... Sonicare has five current models and ten thousand past models, all of which appear to do the exact same thing but cover a $140 price range. Their jargon is thicker than toothpaste, and not nearly so minty fresh.

On the lighter side, while I can't say my Sonicare improves my sexual performance (I don't perform - I'm a nothing celebrity), it is kinda fun to apply the back of the brush head to one's frenum or nipples.

Gently inserting it into a sleeping partner's ear or nostril is also a great way to start their day.
Cart - you are far too kind. I like to think I'm a Jerry, but, alas, I fear I am a George. But better a George than being a Newman. Newman!

Note to self: Never sleep over at Bryan's house.
Thanks to all for reading and commenting. You people crack my shite up.
Oh, the dentist had me when he said "Did you know that the Soniccare brush destroys all bacteria within .5 millimeter of the brush?" I was sold and used the brush exclusively for 6 months. On the next visit, I had trouble with my gums and the hygienist said I wasn't getting the plague well enough with my brushing!

So now, I trade off with the regular brush and the soniccare brush. And, I haven't bought the replacement brushes which cost about $12 a piece.

Yes, I can really relate to this post. rated.
Laugh out loud zaniness, you bastard, you got me again! Reminds me of the words of that great 20th Century philosopher Tom Petty, into the great wide-open!

Oh, by the way, did you hear the latest news? Larry King has the teeth of a 2o-year-old and balls to match -- or was that balls that match?
Brilliant writing. You are not just a Wonderhorse. It's no good, I can't be funny. You're funnier.

I HATE going to the dentist, luckily I had my last "peek-a-boo" two months ago. I wouldn't doubt it if dentists purposely manufactured problems, rather than focus on the things that are already there. lol

Rated . . the spit sucker is fun! lol
I like the image of you chewing your way out of a forest. Very funny.

I’m sure the sonic care people are still freaking out that crest came out with a spinbrush for $6.99.

I see a dentist 300 miles from my house (5 minutes away from my parent’s house, though) because I can barely stand the thought of dealing with a new dentist, one that is possibly sadistic… possibly inept… possibly pushing expensive and unnecessary treatment… really, the possibilities are endless.
Good grief, they're all the same! My dentist sucked me into buying one of those Soniccare brushes too for the kids. It hasn't helped. Son #2 still gets cavities out the wazoo and Son #3 currently needs $1500 in dental work. It's a conspiracy! But you, my friend, are hilarious.
Very funny!

Just be lucky you didn't go to a protologist. Imagine what he would have sold you.
You forgot the part where they berate you for not flossing. This is awesome. "Okay, I don't say fucking, but it's certainly implied"
Sheldon, I got hit in the face by a rescue device and broke in half nearly all my front teeth. Had them crowned, and over the years and many root canals later ( at a cost of 800 ea ) decided to have all my teeth pulled and get dentures. Now I worked for the government, had BC/BS High option insurance w/dental never paid a cent for anything. Went to the surgeon who pulled all my teeth, my regular dentist had made my dentures, they were put in the day they pulled my teeth. Two months later I get a bill from BC/BS for 1300. I called and they said it was for my dentures, confused I asked why am I paying for dentures when you just paid 4000 for the surgeon 300 to my dentist and I have no deductible. They told me, I'm not making this up, that the dentures were cosmetic and not covered under my insurance plan
Sheldon, this post was "Wonder"ful
You make me appreciate my good dentist, who've I've been seeing for 25 years. They do the care that's needed but are conservative. Needless to say...I suggest you change dentists!
While I don't know about the 'improve your sexual performance" part, I do knnow the sonic care toothbrush is awesome at tooth cleaning. Maybe I'm not using it correctly... I'll have to go back and read the improve your sexual performace section in the owners guide.
First off, a second opinion on those crowns is definitely in order. Go to a dentist in a more working-class neighborhood. I used to go to this high-falutin dentist in the neighborhood where all the botox and silicone lives, and his goals for my teeth and the bill that went along with it was astronomical. He firmly told me that people should pay for their teeth at least as much as they are willing to pay for their boobs. I could not tell him that I didn't have fake boobs both because I thought it was obvious, plus he had his hands in my mouth. He looked just like Val Kilmer. I mentioned him in my moms group one time, and a bunch of people nodded knowingly. Sexy Val Kilmer Dentist could start a cult in the county. No problem.

I switched to a dentist out here in the country, and he's way more reasonable. The hygienist did recommend the Sonicare though. I got one for Christmas, and I'm totally in love with it. It is the best toothbrush ever. When I'm done using it I marvel at it each and every time.
I'm a total dental phobe (and my dad has one of the oldest and largest dental labs in the Midwest). I hate dentists and I have no doubt that in a previous life I was tooth-tortured by Nazis.

I don't know about that toothbrush, but I think one of the biggest scams was the WATER PIC. Remember that? It quietly disappeared and I wish someone would bring a class-action lawsuit against it. Bombarding filling-laden teeth with a pulsating jet of water, in my belief and experience, only loosened them.

I had part of tooth come break off from a filling. Oh, that dentist had dollar signs in his eyes when he gazed into my mouth. He wanted to pull out teeth. Install crowns. By then I was an artist without dental insurance. I told him to just clean them. Well, a decade later, That tooth is still intact (knock on wood).

If you are poor and don't have dental, here's the trinity of tooth care: floss everyday, brush with a soft brush and good toothpaste, and rinse everyday with hydrogen peroxide. A calcium tablet once or twice a week doesn't hurt. Avoid gum at all costs, sticky fruits such as raisins and anything edible that is "hard" and has a serious crunch.

They claim that the Sonicare is the only one that can clean under the gum line, but who knows. Our hygienist recommended it, too, and we fell for it. Wasn't that expensive at Costco.

You are going to need deep gum cleaning if you haven't been to the dentist in a while. I stopped going for over 5 years and my gums were a bloody mess with active gum disease. I had the deep cleaning and went for regular cleanings and now the gum disease is gone. I would say regular flossing and cleanings are more important than the sonicare, though.

I would shop around for a new dentist if this one is recommending all kinds of work. That is why we stopped going to our last one. That one referred me to a gum dr. Never went, and never went back to that dentist. 5 years later our new dentist said I didn't need a gum dr., just the extra cleanings.
I kept having flashbacks as I read your post. A few months ago I ended up having a "surprise root canal" at my brand new dentist office. As I sat for hours in my tiny cubicle, my ownly view, other than up the dentist's nose, was of the Sonicare on display directly in front of me. All I can say is, years ago Oprah raved about Sonicare, on her show and we all know what happens after seller list, sold out in stores, or president.
I'm a bad typist, that would be "only"...
You did realize the Soniccare dentists are Illuminati, didn't you?
Does one actually eat Pixie Stix? Or do you just let the magic dissolve in your mouth and swallow the liquified goodness? Just asking.

Mistress Aubrey the Dominatrix
Dammit. Tried to rate again.
Reminds me I really need to get a cleaning...
Try the Supercuts Supercenter. They do hair, teeth, and spleens.