I can be either an orangutan sidekick or a chimpanzee sidekick. (If you go with chimpanzee, no Valium in my wine.) I am compact, adaptable, make excellent French press coffee, and have clean manicured fingernails.

I think you should be posting for "straight man," and by that I don't mean heterosexual. You don't want to be competing for laugh lines.

Consider George Burns, successful "straight man" for Gracie Allen.

GRACIE: My Aunt Clara went to the carribean for vacation.

GEORGE: Jamaica?

GRACIE: No I didn't make her, she went on her own.

He once wrote that all he had to do to be successful was just repeat what Gracie said.

This didn't work out too well when went to the beach. A swimmer was yelling, "Help, help!" Burns responded, "Help, Help?" and while he waited for the swimmer to get his laugh, the swimmer drowned.

Consider what you hire for very carefully.

I'm thinking, I'm thinking. (Which means it could take awhile.)

I like this part : make the occassional obvious yet quippy remark
And this would be very fun: help me collar various and assorted supervillians
I don't think this is for me : perhaps some light cleaning.
This seems excessive: Maybe run the Wonderhorsemobile down to the JiffyLube every 30,000 miles.
I can fulfill this part : so please be able to type 80 WPM minimum.

It looks like this but you have to find the words, ready set: efwpiuoq3pqroetqil3i4aw4tq3io4pofgfawp9fdljvkcdas;dfgwesshjerke efj44u4djdjdk;;;ld etc.

So far, I think Hello has the lead. Although I have sidekick experience, my family has strenuous objections to risky work, like collaring various and assorted supervillians. If you choose Hello, I vote for the orangutan sidekick - the extra strength on the Wonderhorse-a-rang could be useful.

Why hasn't a head hunter called me about this position?

You know, as an out-of work superhero I might be a little over-qualified to be a sidekick, but in this economy I'll take anything I can get.

I already have a couple proven catchphrases, if that helps my chances any.

Hilarious!! Loved the Cap not provided.

I fear no Moose. Plus, I have a Moose Lodge membership so I can do covert work for you to discover master plans and evil doings from the other side. In addition, I can add plucky humorous dialog and give the Boss Hoss all the credit.
I also have parade experience cleaning up behind the Police horses. No one alive can wield a scoop shovel like I can. So I have that going for me.

I will be sending my resume, as--Holy Cow!--I have tons of sidekick experience. I can be silent and deadly or quite expressive. And I can fill out a sidekick suit (in a nonthreatening way).

Great. I'll be Robin. (Will supply cape).

Well...let me start at the beginning...
1. I love apples, carrots, and oats. LOTS of oats.
2. I'm good with a brush and a horse-shoe pick.
3. My brother is an excellent farrier.
4. I have a roomy 4-horse trailer WITH air conditioning.
5. My sister is a licensed Veterinarian.
6. I have access to a 1,000 acre ranch with a few dozen available mares. (I hope you're not a gelding.)
7. You look like someone I could really enjoy working for.
8. Jockeys are really not that important.
9. Have you ever been to Kentucky?
10. I know a stud when I see one...(Right?)
Rated & Cheers!

Eh I wouldn't qualify but fun to read.

Aw, Sheldon. My only superpower is proofreading. Will that help? (I do type 120+/min., though.)

Let me make it clear, I will do my job as your orangutan sidekick and do it well, but I will not compromise my dignity.

Is there a dental plan? {scratches butt, tugs up diaper, wears funny little cap askew}

i can't be your sidekick but it's a tempting offer. i have trouble leaving the house. but the wonderpups would probably love it!! they don't type as fast as you need them to, but they are excellent and fairly quiet company who would siren bark until that malicious Moose went away. they would protect you. love love love

I am totally available! I even have a cape! One does not grow up with the name Lois and not own a cape! I am excellent at collaring supervillians, I did not spend all those hours as a child watching "I Love Lucy" for naught! As for the light cleaning, I think we are going to have to hire that done. Moose do not scare me! I know how to skin a rabbit and a squirrel, a moose can't be that much harder. Plus, I come with my own masseuse, Cap'n Parrotdead. I'd be happy to share!

:)

Hmmm.

You stated you have been wrestling. Well, look no further! My current partner is a former wrestler (ECW, UPW, something or other W), so I have second hand experience with wrestling.

As stated, you have an issue with sidekicks. So do I - for the last few years I have had to fend them off. But then I realized that I REALLY want to be a sidekick. Being the main cat-herder has taught me that being the sidekick is an unsung privilege. (I adore the unsung.)

I promise I will not get in the way and gum up the works. Instead, *I* will play the role of the bad guy, leaving you the path of misunderstood leading man. Even your enemies will love you!

I too like to work alone. Just tell me what you want accomplished, and it will be done (all in your name). Moody? Pfft! No problem. Currently, I work for someone who operates under Borderline Personality Disorder.

Collaring is no problem: for years I have herded the likes of CFO's, COO's, and CEO's. Along with those duties, I can bat eyes at any sales marketer and make them feel wanted, even when being denied.

As I am a Virgo, cleaning is entrenched in my DNA - there is no "light" cleaning here.

Not only will the Wonderhorsemobile be serviced every 30,000 miles, it will be cleaned and serviced every 3,000.

As for data entry? Pfft! I will kill every document sent my way.

As for sidekick experience, I have tons. So much that they put me in charge. (I have realized that I LOATHE being in charge, and love being a side kick.)

I have cape photos available upon demand, but only if there is a serious salary and job offer behind it.

Does a sidekick need a silly hat? I have several. If need be I can tie a cat to one of them, and we'll smite anyone you tell us to (I'm thinking like Oddjob's hat from Goldfinger, only with claws and added fluffiness).

Well, I see this is going to be tougher than I thought. So many qualified applicants.

Hello - Orangutan, eh? I like it, I like it.

OE - I'm not aware of this George Burns fellow. Sounds like an evil genius to me.

Larry - you may be on to something. I'm curious, do you have special "Beard Powers", because that is one awesome beard.

Julie - take your time.

AKA - thank you for your application. You did well on the typing test: I found the word "Unemployed".

Owl - I understand. Collaring criminals is not easy on family.

G - Head Hunter? He escaped from the Springtonia Assylum?? To the Wonderhorse-mobile!

Shaggy - I'm well familiar with your work. You zombie battles are known far and wide. I'm not sure I could ask you to downgrade to sidekick status.

Fire - thanks. Now, when you say you are Fireeyes, does that mean your eyes shoot flames or they are actually made of fire? Frankly, either one of those could be an asset.

Michael - Ooh, cowtowing AND brown-nosing. I like the way you operate, sir.

Delia - you intrigue me!

Dr. Steve - one question: does your Robin suit have nipples? Because the Wonderhorse Cave is a strictly nipple-free zone.

Texas - those job descriptions are more in line with a manservant, akin to the Caped Crusader's Alfred. I need an Alfred. Let's talk.

Denese - don't sell yourself short. Modesty is an admirable trait in a sidekick.

Verbal - 120 wpm? We may have to call you Lightning Fingers.

Hello - you're a straightforward kind of person, aren't you. I like that. Wonderhorse Enterprises does offer dental and a nice 401k. Unfortunately, we cannot cover vision at this time.

Karin - you bring a wide range of experience to the table. Do you have your own utility belt?

Theo - Wonderpups, eh? I like the name. I could use a little security for the Wonderhorse Cave.

MiddleAged - you are with Cap'n Parrotdead?? For godssake woman, don't you know what that villain is capable of???

Rolling - I see you know some sort of obscure morse code/sanskrit language. That could come in handy.

Anni - I like the cut of your jib. I can tell you are a force to be reckoned with. Your enthusiasm is a big asset - the last thing I need is a sidekick with issues & resentment. Welcome to the short list.

Cym - all hats are welcome. My feeling is, it's your costume, make it your OWN.

I type over 100 wpm but I refuse to do anything "secretarial". Been there, done that...way back in the day.

I wear spurs on my boots. But then again, I AM your adopted mother 60% of the time! Freaky and I will have a say in this matter, ya know? You are already a handful.

Okay, you've got some compelling resumes up there Sheldon but let me just remind you that I am REALLY flexible and I have these toes that could best be described as prehensile. If we were ever, like, bound and gagged with a bundle of dynomite between us then I could untie us with these here toes. Also? I have the sweat glands of a much larger person. That could come in handy, right?
I won't wear a cape-- didn't you see the Incredibles? But I do have my own costume......think black latex.

Contrary to what every one else says on a job interview, I'm not good with people -- I should be perfect for you.

Mary - so a cup of joe is out of the question?

Cartouche - I can't have one of my moms be my sidekicks! I'd get all kinds of shite from the other costumed heros.

Dharma - let's see: flexible, bendy, and black latex. You have sort of a Catwoman vibe going on. I like that. I may in fact blackout at just the thought. Ladies and gentlemen, the bar has been raised!

Tom - Sorry, can't concentrate. Dharma's in latex.

I can't believe no one else has listed the following qualifications, so I must be your gal: over 30 years experience shoveling horse manure literally and figuratively. I anxiously await your response.