I got thinking about celebrities today.

Not actors - celebrities. There is a difference. Personally, I really like actors (being one of them, I don't think that should come as a surprise). Sure, we can be touchy, overly-sensitive, completely self-involved, all the cliches you hear about actors. Yet, I find that actors are some of the funniest, most compassionate, caring and understanding people you can meet. If you lose your job, go find an actor (he/she is probably waiting tables at the nearest Italian restaurant.). Trust me, you will find a sympathetic ear with an actor. For most of us, our job is basically going on job interviews. If by some miracle we actually book said job, we know going in that it will last anywhere from a day to a couple of months. Then, we get to do it all over again. Quite the life. So yeah, I like actors.

Celebrities, on the other hand, I increasingly have no use for. Therefore, I would like to formally tell the following people to fuck off. I don't care about you or what you have to say:

Megan Fox 

Yeah, yeah, I know. She's supposedly hot. Personally, she doesn't do it for me. I look at her, and she has that far-away look you see on the faces of strippers at 3:00 in the morning. Somewhere, there's some Hooter's buffalo wings that aren't being served. Quick: name a movie she's been in (and you can't say Transformers. Or Transformers 2: Revenge of the Marketing Department or whatever the hell it's called.). Yeah, didn't think so. Me neither. To be fair, she has been quoted as saying she knows the robot movies are not about acting. Still, I'm sick of her already and we have two more weeks of hype to go before the piece of crap opens (As a side note, director Michael Bay can go fuck himself as well.  He has said recently that his next film will not feature any explosions. Apparently, it will be a 5-minute short, because that's all he knows how to do. Hey Mike, here's an idea: try letting a single shot last for 3 seconds before cutting away to something else for a change. People have said Ed Wood, Jr. is the worst director in film history. Those people have obviously never sat through Armeggedon. Michael Bay, please stop raping my eyes and my brain.)

Jon & Kate

I've never seen a complete episode of your show. All I know is that you, madam, seem like a horrible shrew of a wife, and you sir, seem like an incredibly self-absorbed doofus. I don't care if you stay together, split apart or live on the moon - I just want you to go away. I saw Kate quoted on MSNBC today: "How does the show go on? The show MUST go on!" Really? It must go on? Why? OH, that's right - you will need to be able to pay for eight therapists. Fuck off.

Heidi & Spencer or Speidi or Whoever the Hell You Two Idiots Are

Fuck off. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. All I know about you two is you were on some MTV show and are now considered "Celebrities". Neither of you seem to show talent for anything: acting, singing, dancing, accounting, garbage collecting. I don't know why you're famous, nor do I care.

The Real Housewives of Wherever

The Future Mrs. Wonderhorse, who is by all definitions a smart, college-educated, creative & artistic woman, got sucked into these shows. I've sat through a couple of them, and they can all fuck right off. My mom was a housewife when I was a kid - there's nothing real about any of these broads. Real housewives don't have maids, don't demand to be called countess or talk like extras from The Sopranos.

Glenn Beck

I almost feel bad telling you to fuck off since you are so clearly deranged. Almost.

This Guy 

The worst of the bunch.