I got thinking about elevators today.

I don't ride in elevators much anymore. I used to ride in elevators everyday. Now, not so much. Living in Chicago as I did for some 14 years, elevators were a way of life. Living in a much smaller Colorado town, well, elevator rides are fewer and farther between.

The thing I like most about elevators are the awkward silences that occur in them. I like how for 30 seconds, elevators become vertical churches - no one says a word and prays silently that the cable doesn't snap, resulting in a high-speed plummet. I really like how focused people become on the little floor indicator lights. Everyone just stares at them - "Ooh, floor 3!". Me? I like to liven things up a bit. Here are a few things I like to do while on an elevator.

1. Stare at People. I find most people just stare at the floor light. That's when I just turn to the person next to me, and stare at them. I mean, a good, hard stare. If I'm feeling particularly saucy, I'll get up right next to them and just stare the shit out of them. If I can get 3 inches from the side of their face, I consider that a victory.

2. Make Out. Remember when you were a preteen and would practice kissing on your hand? I really like to start making out with myself on elevators. I'm talking about a hardcore make-out. Like tongues and hickeys and everything. Then, if I'm heading to the top floor, I promptly break up with myself. Once while going to the Observation Deck of the Sears Tower, I made out, broke up, and had make-up sex with myself in a car full of Peruvian tourists.

3. Take Off My Pants. I like to think of elevator rides as mini vacations. For me, there's no better way to relax than to take off my pants. If anyone complains, I just tell them I'm allergic to khaki.

4. Introduce Myself as Otis. I like to stand right by the buttons where it says "Otis Elevators", and ask people if the recognize me. When they say no, I introduce myself as Otis and say I hope they enjoyed their ride.

5. Pretend I'm a Carny. There's just something fun about denying people access to the elevator because they don't meet the height requirements. Plus, it gives me an excuse to smell like bourbon and motorcycle chicks at 8:00 in the morning.

6. Show Off My Telekinesis. As soon as the door closes, I put my fingers up to my temples and start straining, until I turn red. If someone asks, I just tell them that I made the elevator move with my mind, and they are very welcome.

7. Throw a Tantrum. Nothing is more fascinating than a 40-year-old man kicking and screaming in a closely-confined box. Crying, pounding, snot - the whole enchilada. When someone asks, "What's wrong?" I say that my shoelace has become untied, never acknowledging the fact that I'm wearing loafers.

8. Act Like I'm From The Future. As soon as the first person presses a button, I just laugh sarcastically. "Buttons. Nice," I'll say. "Obviously, you fools haven't yet discovered Subplutoniumoxide. I assume you still ride around in horse and buggy, as well. This is definitely going in my report - Xenode The Benevolent with be fascinated by your primitve-ness." 

9. Take Bets. I find wagering on which floor we're stopping at next is a good way to pass the time. Then, I'll throw my bag to the ground and start crying when we don't skip the 6th floor.

10. Scream. I've discovered that nothing livens up an elevator trip than a good high-pitched scream. If I'm feeling particularly randy, I'll scream, "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE....SOMEDAY!" or "THE SEVEN DAY FORECAST CALLS FOR SNOW AND TEMPERATURES IN THE MID-TEENS!". 

I think people appreciate that.