I got thinking about douchebags today.

I know, I know. Some people don't like the word. Okay, dicks. Is that better? Jerks, assholes, pricks, call them whatever you want. As Shakespeare once said, "A douchebag by any other name still pisses me off". I may be paraphrasing there, but you get the point.

It seems like the first month of 2010 has really brought out the Douchebag Brigade. I mean, it's like raining douchebags right now. It's as if the Douchebag Outlet has lost their lease and everything must go! It's a regular Douchebag blow-out. It's...well, you get the picture.

For instance, take a look at these douchebags.

These people are your Supreme Court justices. The Big Kahuna's of All Things Legal. Now, not all nine of them are douchebags, just five. Specifically: Kennedy, Roberts, Alito, Thomas and Scalia. Why exactly do they warrant douchebag status? Well, yesterday they felt that corporations don't have nearly enough power, and can now spend whatever they want on political candidates. In other words, public office is now officially up for sale. As my friend Sean posted on Facebook last night, why don't they just give them a seat in Congress? I guess it's only a matter of time before we hear, "The distinguished Gentleman from General Electric has the floor". Douchebags.

This guy is actually a hold-over from 2009. His name is Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, and he thought it would be a kick to light his underpants on fire and try to blow up a plane in Detroit on Christmas Day. You, sir, are a douchebag. I don't give a shit about your politics; to each his own. If you want to blow yourself up, knock yourself out. But, seriously, leave the innocents alone. It's bad enough they were having to spend Christmas in the shithole that is Detroit, the last thing they needed was you with a pair of flaming Fruit 0f the Looms. Douchebag.

Really, in the light of day, this whole Leno-Conan thing is pretty trival. As Craig Ferguson (who is the second funniest man on late-night, right behind Dave) said, it's basically about which white guy gets more millions. Who the fuck cares? That pretty much sums it up perfectly. BUT, if you are going to pass yourself off as a working-class, aw-shucks, man of the people, you don't push another guy out of your old job, just because you want it back.  Just because you call yourself Mr. Nice Guy doesn't make it so. Granted, the heads of the network are the big ones to blame, but still, if you were the stand-up guy you say you are, you would have realized you had a hand in giving someone the shaft. Besides, your "comedy" is awful, and you can't tell a joke without stepping all over the punchline. Douchebag.

This is Dick Ebersol. He's in charge of NBC Sports. He threw his two cents in to the whole late-night mess, and said Conan was "chicken-hearted" and "gutless". Dick, you run the sports division. Who gives a fuck what you think about comedy? Isn't there a beach-volleyball game you should be taping? Shut the fuck up. Douchebag.

It's a Douchebag two-for-one. Yes, it's these idiots again -they just won't go away. She apparently had 10 plastic surgeries procedures in one day. Too bad they couldn't remove the douchebag she has hanging off her arm. Then again, douchebags do tend to attract other douchebags. When asked if she was addicted to plastic surgery, she said she wasn't and appreciated "the science behind it". Listen, if you can't spell science, you can't really appreciate it. Douchebag. Plural.

I'm not calling the entire country of China douchebags, but whoever is in charge of the place is acting very douchebaggy. They're supposedly restricting internet access to their citizens. What are they so afraid of? Apparently the video of the "David After the Dentist" will cause the wall to crumble and lead to social unrest. If you are one of the supreme leaders of China and you were to open a fortune cookie today, it would probably read "You're a Douchebag.". Besides, if you block the internet, they're missing out on this post.

At second glance, the Chinese may be on to something.