Dear Texas,

How you doing? Everything going okay? That's good. Look, I'm not going to mince words here - I'm busy, you're busy, so let's just cut to the chase, shall we?

I'm dumping you.

I know, it probably hurts, but you can't say you didn't see this coming. We have what I believe the professionals call "an unhealthy relationship". This whole school text book thing is just the latest in a long line of unseemly behaviour on your part, and frankly, I'm done. Just when W starts to fade from my memory just a smidgeon, you go and decide that you are going to rewrite history to fit your agenda. Look, you can call Obama socialist as much as you want, but you, my friend, are taking something right out of the Chairman Mao playbook.

Here's the deal: You are not nearly as great as you think you are. In fact, you're pretty anti-great. You know when other countries talk about "The Ugly American"? Nine times out of 10, they're talking about you (the other time, they're looking at Florida).  Sure, you gave us Lyle Lovett (and I'm very appreciative of that). However, you also gave us Renee Zellwegger and the Dallas Cowboys, so as far as I'm concerned, they pretty much cancel each other out.

Remember awhile back when you were stomping your feet and threatening to secede from the union? Remember that? That was pretty good. Funny thing, though: I don't remember anyone trying to stop you. As hard as I rack my brain, I can't come up with one person who said, "Aw, Texas, don't go! We're just getting this party started! Stick around a little while! It just won't be the same without you!". Nope, not one. In fact, I can think of quite a few who offered to help you move, myself included. I'm thinking maybe it would be for the best for everyone if you did just go ahead and find somewhere else to live. In the words of Erykah Badu, "I think you better call Tyrone, and tell him come on, help you get your shit".

Now, I'm not saying that everything about you is bad. I know a few people from there who are actually really great (many of them right here on OS). It is to those that I make this offer: feel free to come and play with the rest of us. I have a spare bedroom at the Wonderhorse Love Emporium that you can use until you get back up on your feet and settled. It's a big country with a lot of space. New Mexico is your neighbor, and Santa Fe is a pretty cool town. Same goes for Albuquerque, or however the hell you spell it. I'm sure they'd be happy to take some of you. You can take both Dakotas if you want - it's not like we're really using them. You can take Bismark, and rename it Austin North - trust me, we'll still come to your music festival. Knock yourselves out.

Look, Texas, I like the idea of you. It's just the you of you I have a problem with.  You're arrogant, bossy, and self-involved. You think you are always right, and refuse to admit when you are clearly wrong.  Frankly, I'm too old and tired to deal with you anymore, and baby, you got to go. I really do wish you well. I'm sure I don't have to tell you this, but you do know that by seceding, you no longer get help from the Federal government, right? Of course you knew that. Just wanted to make sure. You wouldn't want any federal help anyway, right?

Oh, one more thing. Your patron saint, John Wayne?

He's from Iowa, and we're keeping him.