We've been friends for awhile now, right? I mean, I've been writing on OS for over a year, and I feel like we've become pretty close, no? We've shared some laughs, some tears, real confidant-type stuff. That's why I think it's time I share a little information with you. A secret kind of thing, if you will. Here it is:

KFC hates you and everything you love. 

I haven't eaten at a KFC in...well....years. In fact, there is a very distinct possibility I haven't eaten at a KFC since the word "Fried" was actually advertised in their title and the good Colonel was still amongst the breathing and non-moldy.  I have to tell you, though, their latest "invention" won't get me back in there anytime soon. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the DoubleDown:

Look closely. That's right, your eyes aren't playing tricks on you. The "buns" are actually two pieces of fried chicken. The "meat" of the sandwich consists of bacon, cheese and some sort of magical space-age mayonaise.  Rumor has it, after eating this, you can actually see through time.

I've never had one of these, and can't imagine a situation where I would ever actually crave one, but I like the idea of this sandwich. This is a sandwich that has balls. A sandwich for people who don't have time for bread or uninterrupted blood flow.

It looks like a dare. Or, at the very least, the work of the laziest marketing guy ever:

"Johnson! You were supposed to come up with that new sandwich today. What do you have for me??!!!"

"Um....well....let's see....um. We take two pieces of chicken...and...uh...put some bacon between them? I figured we could market it to drunk college students and shut-ins."

"Brilliant! Now, is there anyway we can get it on a stick? Americans love food on sticks!"

It really is brilliant. Finally, a sandwich designed specifically for those morbidly obese people who have to have the wall of their bedroom removed so they can be transported to the hospital. It's been a long time coming. That sound you hear is Mississippi jumping for joy. Well, maybe not jumping so much as just kind of moving somewhat vertically.

This is what it's come to: meat surrounded by more meat. Look, I love meat. When Sam Elliot says it's what's for dinner, it's like he's talking directly to me. You're damned right, Sam Elliot. But this thing...my god. I think even Sam would say, "You know, maybe you should think about some greens, fatty". Just looking at this I get the shits.  I'm just now getting used to the whole turducken thing, now we have to deal with this? No wonder everyone hates us as a country. I kind of hate us too when I see something like this.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think my corndogs and Hot Pockets are done.