Sheldon The Wonderhorse

Eating Apples Since 1969
Editor’s Pick
APRIL 7, 2010 11:35AM

KFC Hates You and Everything You Love

Rate: 51 Flag

We've been friends for awhile now, right? I mean, I've been writing on OS for over a year, and I feel like we've become pretty close, no? We've shared some laughs, some tears, real confidant-type stuff. That's why I think it's time I share a little information with you. A secret kind of thing, if you will. Here it is:

KFC hates you and everything you love. 

I haven't eaten at a KFC in...well....years. In fact, there is a very distinct possibility I haven't eaten at a KFC since the word "Fried" was actually advertised in their title and the good Colonel was still amongst the breathing and non-moldy.  I have to tell you, though, their latest "invention" won't get me back in there anytime soon. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the DoubleDown:

Yes, that is two pieces of Chicken being used as a bun 

Look closely. That's right, your eyes aren't playing tricks on you. The "buns" are actually two pieces of fried chicken. The "meat" of the sandwich consists of bacon, cheese and some sort of magical space-age mayonaise.  Rumor has it, after eating this, you can actually see through time.

I've never had one of these, and can't imagine a situation where I would ever actually crave one, but I like the idea of this sandwich. This is a sandwich that has balls. A sandwich for people who don't have time for bread or uninterrupted blood flow.

It looks like a dare. Or, at the very least, the work of the laziest marketing guy ever:

"Johnson! You were supposed to come up with that new sandwich today. What do you have for me??!!!"

"Um....well....let's We take two pieces of chicken...and...uh...put some bacon between them? I figured we could market it to drunk college students and shut-ins."

"Brilliant! Now, is there anyway we can get it on a stick? Americans love food on sticks!"

It really is brilliant. Finally, a sandwich designed specifically for those morbidly obese people who have to have the wall of their bedroom removed so they can be transported to the hospital. It's been a long time coming. That sound you hear is Mississippi jumping for joy. Well, maybe not jumping so much as just kind of moving somewhat vertically.

This is what it's come to: meat surrounded by more meat. Look, I love meat. When Sam Elliot says it's what's for dinner, it's like he's talking directly to me. You're damned right, Sam Elliot. But this god. I think even Sam would say, "You know, maybe you should think about some greens, fatty". Just looking at this I get the shits.  I'm just now getting used to the whole turducken thing, now we have to deal with this? No wonder everyone hates us as a country. I kind of hate us too when I see something like this.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think my corndogs and Hot Pockets are done.



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Excuse me as I wipe the coffee off my keyboard that was just laughed out my nose....

But in true American style, the marketing should show thin, attractive people devouring it with unbridled passion. That is, if KFC can find any that can eat this without puking.
I suspected as much. Yikes.
Hideous ball of grease and dead flesh. I looked, and now I can't take it back.
There are 540 calories in this monster. You can drink 8 ounces of scotch and still not hit 540.
Around here this establishment is known as Kentucky Fried Rats.
I think once.
Just once.
I might try one of these.
Just for the hell of it.
It's a heart attack with breading.
But just once.
You've got to be kidding! Okay, I just checked the KFC website, and it appears to be real . . . Lordy, lordy.
You have me cowering in shame - the husband requested I stop off at KFC on my way home from work yesterday and bring home a bucket o' bird. It was yummy. And they really do have wonderful cole slaw...really!!!

On behalf of the Beef industry, Sam would NEVER shill for chicken! NEVER!!!
no doubt this will be marketed to those deluded by the no-carb, bacon every day crowd.
The simple fact of the matter is....order Dick Cheney you know I love the Dickster....seriously, Fat people of the world...just don't eat it. Leave it for your enemies to feed on....How about ordering Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid a there's an idea.
Then they can bill the taxpayers for the air fare to KFC.
Looks like it's time to invest in quadruple-bypass futures.
"A sandwich for people who don't have time for bread or uninterrupted blood flow. "

I think they need to use this slogan in their commercials! Thank you for providing this important public service, Mr. Wonderhorse.
That may be the damned finest sandwich ever made.

~rolls on down the street~
But it looks delicious, Sheldon?

Hey, I have no problem with fast food. People can eat it occasionally and not be fat. The Food Police need to stop making me feel guilty for enjoying the occasional McDonald's, Taco Bell, KFC, Pizza Hut, etc.

Now, those who eat fast food 7-days a week, breakfast-lunch-and-dinner, have no one to blame for their health issues except themselves.

Rated if I could.
I would eat this because I am fearless and I SHIT IN THE BOOTS OF THE VIRGIN!
Holy god in heaven, how I want one! Yuuuuuum.
My husband is fascinated with that sandwich. He doesn't necessarily want to eat one (and he'll have to get past me, first) but the idea of it is captivating to his reckless, fried-food loving soul. At least it's relatively low in carbs....
if I'm going to eat something between two pieces of fried chicken, you can bet your ass it's going to be chocolate cake
Very scarry! Yikes!
Oops, it should have been "scary" (typing too fast).
This is too messy to eat, yucky. Gross. Grossimus Maximus. Ecky ola. Vomitus Practimus Lookidatamus........Rated.
On the bright side; You can get that with mashed potatoes.
My heart palpitated just looking at it.

I used to cook for KFC, so I'll tell you a secret, But if you don't want to know what's done with the fat from the inside of the chicken stop reading.
KFC sells it's fat to Mabaline (-1sp) That make-up co. turns the fat into lipstick. That's right, everytime you lip locked with your honey and she had lip stick on, you were kissing a chickens ass.
Do they think it is low-carb??? Maybe they think it is keeping us from eating those nasty grains and veggies???
I'm surprised this is only 540 calories -- I thought it would at least hit 700. Next we'll be seeing a Big Mac that has two extra patties instead of the bun ...
Meat is the new bread.
This is such a great post! Though very funny, it really got me to thinking about all the nasty food in pretty packaging, I have been eating and serving to my family, house guests, etc..! I am posting on my reaction to this one and my own guilty feelings around the "bulking up of America." Thanks for the inspiration!
just looking at it makes me feel like hurling. talk about a heart attack in a wrapper...
I reject the Nanny State mentality of those who would 'save us from ourselves' by plucking ice cream etc etc out of our grocery carts with much finger-wagging. I claim the right to buy whatever I please, and am willing to take the consequences for my choices. With that said, I quit eating fast food except in extreme emergencies (N.B. If I were stuck at a snowed-in airport and there was nothing else to eat.) on New Year's Day 2003, and do not miss it at all. I have to say this sandwich looks revolting, to me.
Hey, isn't this a good meal if you're on the Atkins diet?
The sad thing is it still has less calories and fat than a Big Mac or a Whopper (either without cheese).
This is disgusting.

On top of the 590 calories (which is what the company quotes as a guesstimate), there are 31 grams of fat in this thing, most of it saturated. The worst part is, few people will eat this by itself - they'll probably also get fries and a soda.

What's worse is that there are lots of people out there who will look at this and think it's a great idea because it's so bad for them. Look at all the people going to the Heart Attack Grill.

And perhaps the worst part of all, if you were on Atkins, this wouldn't be considered bad for you, except for the breading. Sheesh!
You know, I see stuff like this and then my sister tells me the government is so concerned about our health that they are going to make it illegal for restaurants to cook with salt -- BUT IT'S OK TO SERVE THIS! This is really fucked up (pardon my French)!
Don't hate me but it sounds good to me. Will I ever eat one? Not in the immediate future.
It's like the most half-assed chicken Kiev ever!
It should be served with a side of prozac
Ugh. The sad part is that KFC seriously thinks that people will buy this. The even sadder part of the equation, is that KFC think that people will (willingly) consume this. Of those who do, does this mean double the waste (waist)?.

I haven't eaten KFC for ten years, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

Sheeiiit. I can do one better. I'll put that between 2 country fried steak, dip it it batter deep fry it, then have a drawn butter dipping sauce. Take that vegans!!!
i'm not going back there 'til they start using transfat again.
Oh my. I thought Pizza Hut's carb-on-carb was bad (pasta on deep dish pizza), but the meat-on-meat wins for the gross-out factor.
You can almost hear the arteries clogging.
Correct! That's why Americans became obese!
Please say April Fools.
Hilariously sound article:-) I think that if somebody eats a couple of these he will surely transcend the limits of mortal life and encounter...well.. death perhaps! You know just last week I read in of my girly magazines about a 600 pound woman who is striving to reach 1,000 pounds and get into the Guinness World Records as the world's fattest woman. I think she should include this burger or whatever it is in her staple diet.
Well...on the other hand they did come up with the new Kentucky GRILLED chicken...which has about a third of the calories. For original recipe breast is 320 calories and a grilled one is 118. As for sodium...710mgs drops to 44omg.

Not saying that there are not better choices than KFC...but that even at this place there ARE choices.
And this one ISN'T an April Fool's joke? Wow, I'm speechless. Sure looks like a candidate for the Heart Attack on a Plate Hall of Fame.
This monstrosity looks like something Homer Simpson would dream up! I'm reminded of the episode where Homer bankrupts his rich brother Herb by designing the following car for the average man:

I'm shocked this thing only has 540 calories--that's only half a thickburger.
I would totally eat that. I'm not even playing.
I hope it comes with extra cheese
I'll take one with a diet coke._r
Humorous but sad. The results show on the increase of obesity rate in children which is at 32% in America - an all time high - and rising.

I emailed this to hubs and his response "Hell YES! But we'd have to split it" Well, its a good thing he doesn't have any cash on him today, I don't want him coming home smelling like KFC. IF he does, its on and it won't be pretty! lol
This was hilarious...R
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I must admit that I frequented a KFC today (for regular junk food!). I don't go there often. Really!

The menu item of theirs that I saw that creeped me out the most was the one where they just put mashed potatoes, corn, chicken nuggets and shredded cheese in a cup.

I mean, fuck.

Why don't they just call that item what it is?:

The Slop Bucket!

Yeah, that's what it has come to...
OK, who's up for a "Doubledown-a-thon"? We go out and eat one at KFC then blog about it. I'm willing to bet that it doesn't taste that good (I've never really been a fan of KFC's breading). But let's have some fun with this. We can call it "Take Your Cardiologist to Lunch Day".
Of course, whatever you say. But... looking at that picture, I am drooling a bit.
The advertising for these types of foods should be honest
(Barry White-like voice over): "Stoned? Yeah you are. You know you are. You're frigging baked right now. And you know you would so eat this bitch. Don't worry, I won't tell. It'll be our little secret. Oh yeah....."
Actually from what I understand, it's the potential proliferation of this type of food that's holding up the legalization of the doobage.
Looks to be a poor mans version of Chicken Cordon Bleu. At least I serve that with veggies though.
Dude, delete the spam, lol :)
I saw the picture on the cover and thought it was going to be a yummy recipe! I love food porn, even if I no longer eat meat. How disappointed I was when I realized this post was about how this sandwich longs to slit my throat in my sleep. Dammit!! I was just looking!!
This was invented for people who are trying to cut down on carbs, maybe? Creative marketing, indeed.

I am not hungry.

I just read MJwycha's "Barry White" voice-over commercial concept.

Inspired! I am still laughing...
First off, I must say I "used to be" a drunk college kid and now I could be labeled a "shut-in" without too much of a stretch SO, is that why this turned my head? I wonder. I am awfully tempted by it and want to talk with someone who has ventured to actually eat one. I have a KFC right down the street from me and have only gone in once. I keep thinking...looks fatally good, but, nah, I just couldn't. Great post!
Oh My . . . me thinks the Colonel is not amused . . . but I was! Thanks!
If you really want to see disgusting eating behavior, step into any of the buffet type places, usually with the word, "corral" in the name. "Trough" would be a better fit. Watch them waddle up for 2nds and even 3rds of the same old glopp.
I'm not sure which one is grosser, this or the giant bacon cheeseburger on Krispy Kreme doughnuts...
holy cow- I totally have to have one of these!!!!
Since you reported that there are 540 calories in this, I wanted to point out that you can easily get to 500 calories by drinking two 20 ounce non-diet soft drinks. So, take the typical American worker who hates coffee but drinks two Mountain Dew sodas each day at work. They have the equivalent of one of these PLUS the food that they consume.

Tax on sugar - no. We still need candy and cakes.
Tax on High Fructose Corn Syrup --Absolutely.
So what, if they put it on a plate and called it Cordon Blue it would be fancy not an outrage. KFC did not invent fried chicken, fat, salt or sugar. Society and civilization has been eating the stuff since Moses. The problem is we have such an abundance of food in this country the average person can get double their caloric intake for a few bucks a day.

It is cause and effect. 50 years ago the average family prepared 80% of their meals from scratch. It was called cooking. Now both parents work, kids are busy with far to many activities so now people eat processed and fast food. Since someone else is cooking we naturally gravitate towards foods that are higher in fat and sugar. Why because they taste good.

Why just have fried chicken for Sunday dinner when you can drive up to a window and eat it every day. Why eat a prepared breakfast when you can eat a sausage, cheese egg biscuit for a buck and you don't even have to get out of the car. Mom is not home cooking, neither is dad so KFC feeds the kids. This has been going on for decades and now young parents who grew up eating mostly processed food are feeding their kids process food. So what do you do as a marketer? Do you create products no one will buy?

Don't blame KFC blame ourselves and the society we have created.
I'm actually astonished that it's under 600 calories, what with the cheese and bacon and space-age mayo and breading and grease. Eww.
Sorry, I meant to say Cordon Bleu (not blue) which is a chicken breast stuffed with ham, cheese, bacon and deep fried and served with a butter or hollandaise sauce.
Are the two chicken breasts boned?
That is repulsive, I had to read it twice to believe it. I have no idea what to say, this answers too many questions. Thank you, I think.
Mmmm, I gotta wash that down with some Jamaican 180 proof rum and then relax with some unfiltered smokes. That's like driving without seatbelts.
How about going to KFC in a trio, one person take a piece of chicken, another take the second piece of chicken, and the third person take the bacon ?
My guess is I'm the only person on OS who saw the Colonel live and in the flesh. Grand Bahama Island, 1968.
Can mayonnaise be fried?
KFC is another way to make white meat as dangerous as red. Plus back in the days of slavery, Chickens were the only animal black folks were allowed to raise. KFC's Sanders got his recipe from them and never looked back. Or so I suspect ? Mmmmm