Sheldon The Wonderhorse

Eating Apples Since 1969
JUNE 16, 2010 12:45PM

Today, I Shall Scope Chicks

Rate: 23 Flag

Look out, ladies. 

I'm heading out to the mall to scope chicks.

That's right. I'm going to plant myself firmly between the Orange Julius and the Lady Footlocker and scope the hell out of some chicks.  Let me tell you, you better just gird your loins, because you have no idea of the scoping you're in for.

This morning, I got up, took a shower, doused myself in an appropriate amount of Polo, grabbed my favorite windbreaker, and I am on my way. Don't worry, I didn't forget the mirrored sunglasses. I mean, seriously, you can't get into heavy-duty chick-scoping without the mirrored sunglasses. A pair of sharp mirrored sunglasses really does complete the ensemble, in my humble opinion. In fact, I don't think you can really say you're scoping chicks if you don't have a pair. That's like playing baseball with a golf club - it just doesn't make sense.

 Behold Your Hotness in My Hotness

Not to worry, I've been growing in my official Tom Selleck Mustache (TM) for a couple of weeks now, and my chest-hair implants really seem to be taking hold. Resistance is futile. There you will be, minding your own business outside of the Burlington Coat Factory, when suddenly, breaking through the aromas of Panda Express and Auntie Anne's Pretzels, you will sense a rush of excitment in the air that gives your nethers a nice how-do-you-do. Soon, you will see me sitting there, windbreaker, sunglasses and chesthair. You will find any reason to walk past me several times. Don't be shy or embarassed  - you certainly won't be the first, nor the last.

Last time I went out to scope chicks, I saw a high school kid trying his luck. It was a little sad, but it did make me smile. He was making the same rookie mistakes I used to make. I can remember trying to scope chicks while walking around the Chess King back in '86. Rule #1 of Chick Scoping: Never Scope Chicks While Shopping.  I learned the hard way that you can't really scope chicks to your fullest potential when you can easily be distracted by skinny ties and parachute pants.  That's why all scoping must be done while seated. It gives you that "I'm too cool to be here in the mall" vibe that the chicks really pick up on and dig. Plus, it gives you the chance to cross your leg and expose a little flesh. Chicks dig leg hair.

I did get a little melancholy, though. I looked around, and was shocked to realize that I was really the only one committing to scoping chicks.  I mean, my teenaged friend was giving it the ol' college try, but really, you can only get so far while wearing a backwards baseball cap (Note to teenagers: wearing a baseball cap sideways doesn't make you look cool. It makes you look like a reject from Hee Haw. Chicks definitely don't dig Hee Haw.). I mean, I was the only one sitting there. Sure, there were a couple of old guys waiting for their wives to come out of the Lane Bryant, but they clearly weren't there to scope chicks. They were simply tired. That kind of depressed me and made me miss the chick scopers from back in the day.

Yeah, I suppose I could stop. I could be responsible. I could settle down. But where's the fun in that, I ask. It's a fine tradition, and I plan to go down scoping. Perhaps someday, people will talk about a mysterious mirror-shaded man who sat on a throne in the universal gathering place. A man who made the men jealous and the women swoon. A man who smelled like a man should. A man who could part the crowds when he entered and could disappear before you knew it.  A manly man. A man who would scope.

Scope like the wind.




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From the title I thought this was a farm piece about fowl breath. You can see how unhip I am! And I am thrilled to know that chicks dig leg hair. I'm sticking with my highwaters. Woohoo!
I can tell, Sheldon, that you're a veteran scoper. As you and I know, the unsophisticated scoper hangs out in front of Victoria's Secret. Sure, you get the lingerie included in your lady-watching sightlines. But mostly you're identified as a perv, or worse, sexually inadequate.
it's a sad realization, isn't it, to find that talent that was so amazing long ago (so? long ago) isn't as well-appreciated as it once was. ~sigh~
Oddly enough, I suspect Mrs. Wonderhorse is ok with your scoping - I mean, your methodology is flawless.
what type of chicks do you like in your farmyard Shellie? (bantams, Rhode Island Reds, american game hens, or Longhorns?)
uhhh, I mean LEGHORNS ha!
be sure to wear underwear, i have been scoped by a man in shorts who did not.wear.underwear. it's hard to get that out of my mind, and not in a good way.

i can just see the future Mrs. Wonderhorse dragging you out by your ear.
As long as you aren't wearing a Members Only jacket while you are scoping. Of course the ultimate weapon for scoping is an old Chevy be it a car or truck. Sitting behind that massive steering wheel with one arm out the window. Woman may have tried to resist but they knew they were being scoped, and were drawn to it like a moth to a bug zapper. I miss my old Chevy.
Where you been hiding? I was afraid you might have been sent off to the glue factory.
What I want to know is how you choose your scope location. What makes an ideal scope spot?
Do you offer classes? I'm a little rusty and my sons suck at it.
Sheldon, Sheldon... *shakes head sadly*

If you're old enough to remember Hee Haw when it was on the air, then your scoping might be construed as - how can I put this - middle aged lechery. Not high on the "cool"factor, that.

Good luck with that scoping, dude. And maybe watch out for those mall cops, 'kay?
Dude, did you tie that knot or not? Jus checkin' cus you ain't supposed to be lookin for any chicken out o your own barnyard, now. Ha. R
Rookies *shakes head*. They're important though. Makes to veterans harder to spot.
I'm with gwool and Sheila...two separate things. Glad to know that, DESPITE IT BEING YOUR BIRTHDAY, you haven't lost your sense of humor.

Very funny, but at the same time bringing back memories of being scoped by scary old men at the mall when I was a teenager, so, also, very creepy. And the Hee Haw reject... yes!!!
I would be honored if you were to scope me out.
Maybe it's creepy that I recall observing this kind of behavior when I was between the ages of 13 and 16. But now, that I'm of the appropriate legal age to be scoped, I receive no scopage. No scopage whatsoever.

So what I'm sayin' is that you got the pedophile garb NAILED.
But I'm not calling you a pedophile. Just to be clear. I'm just going along with the joke. Expanding on it, if you will.
You always make me smile. I don't necessarily want to.
Don't forget that Members Only jacket. BTW, Stim's right about Victoria's Secret. Something less obvious is a better choice. ;)
You had me at moustache.
Tom Selleck would be proud.