I've been pretty involved in the wedding planning so far. Frankly, I'm glad. It's been a good project for the two of us, and I realize this may be old fashioned of me, but I kind of like being around the Future Mrs. Wonderhorse.  I know a lot of grooms tend to push it all off on the brides and just say "Tell me what time to be where and when". I get that. It's tempting. Especially after you are told ad nauseum that "it's all about the bride anyway".

I call bullshit.

I realize I'm just the groom. I get that. I realize that maybe 20% of the interest will come my way. I'm fine with 20%. Nothing at all wrong with 20%. Still, let's not lose sight of the fact that I am half of what's going to be standing up there. I mean, let's face it - if I'm not there, all you're left with is a beautiful woman in a white dress, while all my relative sit around wondering why they're there and if chicken nuggets are going to be served.

So yeah, I've been involved. People keep saying this is "one of the most important days of your life", so why wouldn't I be involved? For the most part, I've enjoyed the process. It's ranged from great fun (Hello, cake tasting. Seriously, if you can't have fun at a cake tasting, you simply have no soul) to not-so-fun-yet-still-kind-of-fun (Hello, interviewing photographers. For the last time, no, there will be no pictures of me removing the Future Mrs. Wonderhorse's garter. In fact, odds are very good that I will not be removing ANY of the Future Mrs. Wonderhorse's garments right there in front of everyone. I'm not an Italian Prime Minister, for godssake.). However, a few weeks ago, I believe I did meet my match. I found myself sitting next to the Future Mrs. Wonderhorse having the following conversations:

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Sheldon: "Now, who is this person?"

Future Mrs. Wonderhorse: "She's the designer."

S: "Designer? Are we adding a wing? What is she designing?"

FMW: "The look."

S: "The look."

FMW: "Yes, the look. The look of the wedding."

S: "Okay, you're going to have to dumb it down for me here."

FMW: "(Sigh) Table clothes, napkins, and flowers."

S: "Oh... OH! Things I don't care about."

FMW: "Exactly."

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Designer: "I was thinking about either a myrtle or a pomana green for the table cloths. Thoughts?

FMW: "Ooh, I think I like the myrtle. What about you?"

S: "They're both dark green."

FMW: "No, they're not. Pomana is more of a dark green green, while myrtle is more of a dark blue-green green.

S: "They're both dark green."

FMW: "Forgive him. He's color blind. Or an idiot. I haven't figured out which yet."

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D: "What do you guys think about lillys? They are SO beautiful!"

FMW: "I love them too, but (Sheldon) doesn't."

D: "How can you not love lillys?"

S: "They smell like death."

D: "(Aghast) Death??"

S: "Yes. Death. Or feet."

D: "How can you say that? They smell nothing like death!"

S: "Have you ever smelled death? Because I have, and I'm telling you, it smells like lillys. And feet."

D: "When have you smelled death?

S: "A few summers ago, when I was living in Chicago, the Polish lady directly under my apartment kicked off, but they didn't find her for like a week and a half. Again, this was in Chicago. In a brick building. IN JULY. For five days, I just thought she was cooking cabbage. Turned out she was baking. Or decomposing. Pick your poison."

D: "So, in fact, death smells more like cabbage?"

S: "I guess so."

FMW: "Fine. No cabbage at the wedding."

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D: "Since you're getting married in the morning, instead of candles, we could do a nice floral centerpiece and surround them with river rocks."

FMW: "OH, I love those. I think they'd really blend in well with our colors. What do you think?"

S: "I'm sorry, what?"

FMW: "Using river rocks to surround the centerpieces."

S: "Sure....wait, what? Rocks?"

FMW: "Not rocks. River rocks."

S: "River rocks."

FMW: "Yes."

S: "It's still a rock, though?"

FMW: "Yes, but it's polished."

S: "A polished rock."

FMW: "Not just a rock. Several. They're polished. Smooth and shiny."

S: "It's still a bunch of rocks."

FMW: "You realize, I may have to kill you."

S: "What's a guy got to do to get some chicken nuggets around this place?"

Previous Installments:

The Nuptials: Putting the Ow In Vow

The Nuptials: Taking the Cake

The Nuptials: I'm With the Band

The Nuptials: Weeding Out the Weirdos