I can't believe it. I simply can't believe it. It's unreal.
I've got CHUDs.
I really thought my CHUD problems were a thing of the past. You know, we moved into the new house almost a year ago, and ever since then, not one CHUD. Yet, all of a sudden, here they are again. I've got a yardful of Canabalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers, and I can't figure out how they found me.
At the old place, they were everywhere. I mean, you couldn't walk out of the house without a CHUD reaching up and trying to make a lamb shank out of your leg. I didn't know what to do. I tried to reason, I tried offerings, I tried bribes. I even had a CHUD exterminator come out and lay out some traps. Let me tell you, that was one ugly transaction. Trust me, there are few sights more disturbing than walking out to get the morning paper and seeing a full-grown CHUD trying to escape from a glue-trap.
It's getting bad. I mean, I can't even let the dog go out by herself, without risking a CHUD attack. At least if I go out with her, they do tend to respect my authority. I've had to shoo more than my share of CHUDs.
Look, I'm not anti-CHUD by any means. As far as carnivorous mutants go, believe me, you can do much worse. The few times I've spoken to the CHUDS, they have been overwhelmingly polite. For instance, that time they attacked the mailman, the kept apologizing - "Dreadfully sorry," they kept saying. Maybe they were Canadian CHUDs, who knows? In fact, last week, I had a very pleasant conversation with one of them.
I was out mowing the lawn, and I noticed that a group of teenaged CHUDs were attacking the old lady two doors down. I walked over, and saw that they were being chaperoned by an adult CHUD, and I have to say, he was really good with them. Made sure they said please and thank you, I mean, really polite. Anyway, we get talking and he was a pretty nice humanoid. He asked me if I had seen TWILIGHT, and I just laughed and said, no, those movies didn't interest me much. He rolled his eye, and started going off on all the inaccuracies. He told me he has never met any vampire that used that much glitter before. Warlocks, yes, but never a vampire. We had a real nice laugh together.
Anyway, I asked him if they were following me, or if it was just coincidence. He assured me it was just a coincidence, and while he couldn't promise that they wouldn't eat my face at some point, he would do what he could to at least give me a little warning.
I appreciated that.
Then he clapped his hands and told the teenaged CHUDs to hurry up and finish, since he had an early meeting in the morning.
So, yeah. Once again, I have CHUDs. But, I suppose I'm learning that there are worse things in the world. Sure, they smell, are covered in slime, and feast on the flesh of the living, but like I said, it could always be worse. At least I'm not my brother-in-law:
He's got Chupacabras.