As I'm sure you have heard by now, a man was detained at a Mexico City airport after it was discovered he was smuggling 18 monkeys in his girdle.

Clearly, I have no idea how those monkeys got in there.

I was just minding my own business, making my way to the Sbarro for a slice of pepperoni, when all of a sudden, airport security surrounded me and demanded I remove my shirt. Let me tell you, these guys were good. I never even heard them approaching - they were like Mossad agents as trained by Shields and Yarnell. Of course, I threw my hands up in the air, and slowly removed my shirt. Brother, I was just as shocked as they were when 18 monkeys fell out.

Now, let's pretend for a second that I DID put the monkeys in my girdle. I didn't, of course, but let's go ahead and pretend I did. You tell me, smartguy, where else would I put them? I'm not about to buy seats for 18 monkeys. I'm not made of money, for godssakes. Maybe, one day, Southwest will offer discounted Monkey Seats, but until that day comes, you're just going to have to deal with monkey-smuggling girdles.

I certainly wouldn't put them in the overhead compartments. I mean, first of all, you're never going to get all 18 monkeys in there. Have you seen those compartments? They're tiny. At most, I'd get maybe 3 or 4 gibbons in there. Maybe 5 if a grease them up before hand (which, of course, begs the question, where am I going to find monkey grease while on vacation?). Then I'm stuck with finding space for 14-15 other monkeys, so obviously, the overhead compartment is out. Besides, and I'm not sure if you are aware of this, but sometimes, things in those compartments shift during flights.

I'm certainly not going to put them into my suitcases and check them. As I'm sure you know, monkeys are almost impossible to fold. Besides, knowing the airlines as well as I do, you just know they would lose a couple of bags. So, great, I would show up in L.A., a couple of monkeys short. What do you think would happen then? I mean, if someone was expecting 18 monkeys and only 16 show up, do you think they'd be upset? You're darned tootin', they'd be mad. Mad enough to remove a certain beloved Wonderhorse's thumbs? Maybe. So yeah, if I did smuggle monkeys in my girdle, even though I didn't, I definitely wouldn't put them in a suitcase.

Sure, if I were to try smuggle in 18 monkeys, I could have mailed them. I would never use the post office, mind you. They have pretty strict anti-monkey mailing rules. They catch you mailing a monkey, you can get a ticket. No, if it were me, I'd probably use Fed Ex. A little known fact: Fed Ex is quite monkey-friendly. They even have simian rates. Of course, you didn't know. They don't really advertise that kind of thing. You just have to ask. I get it. You go around telling everyone how cheap your monkey mailing rates are, next thing you know, you got monkeys coming out the wazoo. Who needs that? Whatever you do, don't use UPS. Unless you want a crate of dead monkeys. I'm sure there's a market for that kind of thing, but that's not something I would want to be involved in.

I'm sure you don't believe me. I understand. There's doubters out there. Fine. Doubt away. I don't give a shit. I have no idea how those monkeys got on my person. I don't care if you believe me or not. "But, Shel", you're saying. "Why were you wearing a girdle?".

Uh, cocaine, duh. Where am I supposed to put 12 kilos of Columbian gold - up my bum?

I'm not a freak.