Sheldon The Wonderhorse

Eating Apples Since 1969
AUGUST 27, 2010 11:28AM

Douchebagapalooza

Rate: 18 Flag

Oh douchebags, is there no end to the joy you bring? You can tell fall is coming around the corner, because the Douchebag Harvest is in full swing.

Take for instance, Glen Beck. Sure he's an easy target, but just when you think he's hit the top of the Douchebag Index (D.I.), he goes and outperforms himself once again. I don't know if you've heard, but he's having a little pep-rally this weekend. He says it's purely coincidence that it just happens to be on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on the anniversary of Dr. King's "I Have a Dream" speech. This so-called student of history simply forgot about possibly the second most famous speech in history (right behind The Gettysburg Address. Or the Royale with Cheese speech from Pulp Fiction. I can never keep those two straight.). He's saying something miraculous is going to happen on Saturday. Something miraculous, people! You see, he's got a direct line to God. I mean, he's going to have Holy Spirit shooting out his fingertips like a Mormon version of Palpatine in Jedi. Here's the miracle I'm hoping for: he gets smited. Or smoted. Whichever phraseology is correct. Nothing that would cause death, mind you, just sort of a reverse miracle. Boils, perhaps. Pustules. You know, something that has a lot of pus. Perhaps a swollen tongue. I'm sure you are all aware that he is supposedly losing his sight (I'm guessing one of the miracles that will happen this weekend is God will touch his eyeballs and restore him to 20/20). While I'm sorry he is losing his sight, the upshot is when I finally meet him and start punching him repeatedly in the face, he won't see it coming. Silver lining, folks.

Hey, remember Mike Brown? He's the Brownie in "You're doing a heckuva job, Brownie". The Brownie who was in charge of FEMA when Katrina hit.  Well, today he came out and said that there was "a disconnect" between what the administration was telling people and what was actually going on. Really? A disconnect? Next you're going to tell me Manute Bol was tall. I suppose we really shouldn't be surprised it took him five years to come to this conclusion. It only took him five days to realize that people need drinkable water to, you know, live. Thing is, if he would have stood up back then, he could have been a folk hero. Instead he sat down, kept his pie-hole shut, and became a punchline. You did a heckuva job, douchebag.

Oh, and let's not forget good ol' Ken Mehlman. Kenny was Bush's campaign manager and chair of the RNC back in the mid-2000's. Yeah, he was one of those guys going around saying homosexuality was a sin and there should be a ban on gay marriage and all of that. Funny thing, though - Mehlman's gay. Came out this week. Said he just realized it. Boy, I do hate it when that homosexuality sneaks up on you like that. Now, he's not a douchebag because he came out - I applaud that kind of honesty. He's a douchebag for 1.) promoting discrimination back in the day, and 2.) saying now that the gay community should join him and the Republicans to fight Islam because it is "the greatest anti-gay force in the world right now". Hmm...fighting discrimination with more discrimination. Ken, come out of the douchebag closet. If anything, Ken lends more credibility to my feeling that anyone who is so rampant anti-gay, is probably the sterotypical one. I, for one, won't be a bit surprised when James Dobson is discovered lip-syncing to Liza With a Z with a poodle.

Want to learn how to be a douchebag? Okay, first, stab a Muslim cab driver. That's right, Guy Who Tried to Kill the Cabbie, I'm talking to you. You tried to slit the throat of a guy who was driving you, to what I can only hope, was some sort of mental health appointment. Trying to kill a guy who's doing his job by carting your crazy ass through traffic? That's a douchebag move. 

I'm not going to get into the whole Community Center debate, only to say, please stop calling it the Mosque at Ground Zero. It's been shown time and time again that it's several blocks from Ground Zero, so enough. Besides, if you want to be pissed off about something, you should be pissed that Ground Zero has been an empty lot for a decade. Get a grip.

So many douchebags, so little time. I can only hope that  Spencer Pratt is going to have a joint press conference with Mel Gibson this weekend.

It's going to be a good fall.

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Comments

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Once again Shelly you have summed up the world as it is today in a pithy, comical yet oh so eloquent synopsis.
You know its the end of days when in the same week Mr. Beck Teabagger and Mr. Kenny with a rainbow flag have come to Revelations and feel the Overcoming desire to inflict those upon us. We are in for a doozy.
Thanks again Shelly for keepin it real!
Don't necessarily agree with it all, but love your stuff anyway.

Douchebag.
Don't necessarily agree with it all, but love your stuff anyway.

Douchebag.
Don't be a stranger. I miss the wedding posts.
I call them douche monkeys! R
Sheldon, I love this. Seems like ranting against douchebaggery is in the air. Rated.
Stella - Yeehah

Anada - Is it wrong that I'd rather keep it imaginary? It seems to be more pleasant than reality.

G - You know you love me, sugarnuts.

Kathy - One more week. I want to live-blog the wedding, but I'm sure the Future Mrs. Wonderhorse might have a thought or two about that.

Lib - I like that, even though I've yet to meet a monkey who was a douche.
Susan - And here I just thought it was ragweed.
"he won't see it coming"

snort
Sir, if a douchebag was lost in the woods, they could turn you loose to sniff him/her out in no time.
P.S. Have you noticed how Republicans have been trying to get the gay community on their side? They have their wives and daughters come out as pro-gay marriage (and sometimes pro-health care), though WHAT DOES THAT MATTER SINCE THE WIVES AND DAUGHTERS DON'T VOTE?
Oh sure, say everything I want to say but say it better and less nasty. No wonder I look forward to your writing.
Wonderful, simply wonderful.
I love angry humor. Or perhaps I should say, anger often works best when mixed with humor (see: The Daily Show). Yes, they're easy targets but they do need to be called out, as often as possible, until word leaks down to the people who like and follow these guys and perhaps they reconsider where they are placing their faith. (OK, I can hope.)

I didn't know Beck is supposedly losing his sight. Doesn't that seem a bit coinkydental for someone who positions himself as a modern day seer? It reminds me of Limbaugh going deaf, when he never listened to anyone, anyway.

It all suggests there really is a God and he's an Old Testament sort of God who's angry -- but with a sense of humor.
I was heading in the direction Silk mentioned... if it's smiting you want you just might get it given the seeing and hearing pox bestowed on those who seemed to have deficits in that department anyway, totally apart from the anatomy. G*d apparently still has her sense of humor on a good day.
You're gonna need to blog more often; I'm having a hard time keeping up with the creeps.

aaaaarrrrrggghh!
yes, yes, yes, and yes.
Now that I think about it, all of these luminaries resemble Palpatine.
It never ends with these jackholes, does it?

I am so so tired of the stinky winds that these fellows blow so hard. We should just decide, all of us, that the blowhards that shout the loudest anti-gay warnings are sucking dick as soon as they are off camera.

Can we just agree to that? Seems reasonable to me, given recent history..........