I got thinking about pledges this morning.

For the most part, I like pledges. They tend to be nice little personal affirmations of "You know what, Chester? You make me feel a certain way, and as a result, I'm going to act like this in response" (Pledges also make your furniture shiny, which is always a good thing.).  The only problem with pledges, though, are once you make one, you better be ready to see it through. Few things are more disappointing than an unpledge. A depledge, if you prefer.

The other day, a group of overly-tanned politicians announced their Pledge to America. I haven't read what all is in there, but I'm pretty sure "We pledge to stop throwing lies and untruths out there and behaving like we know what's best for everyone, even though we're only concerned about people just like us" was not included. Granted, I'm a cynical bastard, but I get the feeling the only thing they are pledging is to keep being the douchebags we've come to know and abhor.

At any rate, it got me thinking about pledges. Maybe it's time I take the reins of this country for awhile and make some desperately needed changes. I mean, let's face it, I certainly can't do any worse. So, here is my Pledge to you, America:

1. I pledge to no longer use midgets as currency. This was a horrible idea to being with. I was wrong to even suggest it. Although, to be fair, I was pretty shocked how many plumbers took little people in exchange for goods and services.

2. I pledge I will no longer have clam-chowder and circus peanuts for breakfast. Upon further review, that was a bad choice. In addition, the Fruity-Pebbles and Herring milkshake did me absolutely no favors.

3. I pledge I will get to the bottom of the fascination with The Jersey Shore. I have never seen this show, but apparently it's all the rage. From everything I've heard, it pretty much completes the dumbing down of America, and I promise you, my friends, we will put our smartest scientists and economic advisors to work finding out what the deal is. As a sub-pledge, I also promise that people will no longer be able to name themselves after vague nouns.

4. I pledge that I will have the letter R removed from the alphabet. I mean, I pledge that I will have the lette  emoved fom the alphabet. Soy about that.

5. I pledge that religious freedom will be returned and restored to this country. So all you who worship the Giant Oblong Space Cactus, the party's back on. Go nuts.

6. I pledge that I will do everything in my power to restore the honor of our national anthem. As a result, we will be getting rid of "The Star Spangled Banner". Instead, before all ballgames, please be ready to rise for the theme from Hawaii Five-O.

7. I pledge that you will have the freedom to wear bologna in your underpants if you so choose.

8. I pledge I will no longer be eating any bologna sandwiches you offer me.

9. I pledge to make our national pastime Modern Warfare 2.

10. I pledge that I will bring back human sacrifice. It was good enough for the Aztecs, and by god, it's good enough for us.

11. I pledge that we shall get rid of all the namby-pamby glitter-covered vampires. We shall restore our blood-sucking brothers and sisters to their terrifying roots and stop making them look like pouty Emo kids who are going clubbing. In other words, we shall de-pussify them.

12. I pledge that if politicans don't stop just looking out for themselves and their rich friends, they will be dealt with harshly. In other words, they will be given front row tickets and forced to go to a Gallagher concert.

13. I pledge that all stores will just get it over with and start putting up their Christmas displays in March.

14.  I pledge that we will stop using the word "tragedy" when some C-list celebrity dies. When Corey Feldman leaves this realm for another, it will be unfortunate. However, unless he takes out the entire country of Honduras with him, it won't be a tragedy.

15. I pledge to you, America, that as soon as you stop acting like spoiled, retarded trust-fund dickheads, so will I.