Boy oh boy, that was a mistake.

I absolutely MUST stop going to the Waffle House at 2:00am.

I mean, seriously. I went out last night, ran into Axl Rose, and now here I am, sporting whiteguy corn-rows and have a mouth stained with boysenberry. The sad part is, with my general lack of hair, my cornrows look like a field, post-harvest.

I'm not even sure how I ended up at the Waffle House, but there you go. And, man, can Axl put away the flapjacks. He ordered the quintuple stack and polished them off in no time. In fact, I actually watched him unhinge his jaw like a python and swallow them whole. Then he ordered two more orders of the quints and washed it all down with a bottle of chocolate Quik. I asked him if he wanted a slice of my bacon and he punched me in the eye. No, seriously. My eye. He punched my eye. Not the socket or the area surrounding the eye, but the actual ball of said eye. Axl, I've discovered, has tiny, tiny fists. I also discovered he is a very precise puncher.

Don't get me wrong, the night wasn't a total wash. Earlier in the evening, we got into a good old fashioned rumble with members of Haircut 100 and the cast of Hee Haw. I don't care what they tell you, Roy Clark still has it. I watched him beat Nick Heyward to death with the neck of a banjo. It was, admitedly, pretty impressive. Grampa Jones, on the other hand, is the scared little bitch I always assumed he was.  He was all "Ooh, don't hit me, I'm an old man, I'm 106, I'm on kidney dialysis, wahh, wahh, wahh". I told him he should have thought of that before he threw down in front of me. Suffice it to say, it's going to be awhile before he's pickin' OR a'grinnin'.

After that, we hit the hospital to get stitched up, then went and caught a late-night showing of The Aristocats. I have to say, I was pretty shocked by how emotional Axl got over a couple of animated felines. It was kind of embarrassing, in fact. I mean, he's like a rock icon, right? Trust me, you'd never see Robert Plant with snot pouring out of his nose at a second-rate Disney movie. Just saying.

After that, it was off to the Waffle House, and I think I must have blacked out before the check came, because I don't remember a thing after that. All I know is I woke up with a new hairstyle and a tattoo of Larry Hagman on my back.

I definitely can't do that again - I'm far too old for that kind of nonsense. Oh, that reminds me:

I have to remember to call the guys from Foreigner and tell them I need to raincheck the cockfight.