Sheldon The Wonderhorse

Eating Apples Since 1969
OCTOBER 21, 2010 11:21AM

Grampa's Balls

Rate: 24 Flag

I got thinking about balls today. Specifically, those belonging to Brett Favre.

Yet Another Photo of Favre With a Ball in his Hand 

Don't get me wrong - I don't usually spend a lot of time thinking about or picturing the scroticular region of men, not to mention future Hall of Fame quarterbacks. But this is different - I have no choice to think about them, because, simply put, people won't shut up about them.

In case you haven't heard, the Minnesota Vikings quarterback supposedly sent pictures of himself playing with his own personal Twin Cities to a woman associated with his former team, the New York Jets. Frankly, even more disturbing then the image of a fully engorged Favre is the fact that he was only wearing a pair of Crocs at the time. Seriously? Crocs? All of the money in the world eventually passes through your hands and you're wearing plastic shoes? The players union may want to get involved in this.

Here's where things get...um...sticky (Oh, shut up.). Supposedly the woman on the other end of this didn't want or even ask to see his Viking. Now, I've met plenty of beautiful women in my time, and while I may have wanted to send an unrequested 8x10 glossy of the Wonderstick, I do have that little voice inside my head that says, "Hey, Schmuck. Horrible idea. Why don't you go get a burrito instead?". I would, and everything turned out for the best. Brett, however, apparently doesn't have that voice, or maybe he simply doesn't like burritos. Either way, he decided to go all Ansel Adams, pushed send, and now that's all ESPN will talk about. 

Here's what I keep focusing on: 1) Favre is only a few months younger than me; and 2) Favre is a grampa. Brett and Deanna Favre's oldest daughter gave birth to a son earlier this year. A grampa.

Think about your grampa. Now, think about your grampa's balls.

Go ahead. I'll wait.

Look, I'll give you that Favre is in pretty incredible shape for a 41-year-old man. Of that, I'm sure there is no doubt. Still, no matter how great of shape you may be in, it's still a picture of a grampa's balls. I mean, pictures of balls in general are nothing to write home about. Let's face it, male genitalia is pretty goofy-looking as a rule. I've seen a lot of naked females in my time, and there are few things as beautiful as the naked female form. They're like fingerprints - all completely unique. Penises, on the other hand....well. Never have the following words left my lips: "Wow. That is one fine looking cock you got there, Chester". I mean, I hate to get all profile-y, but you see one, you've pretty much seen them all. I think it was Calvin Coolidge who said, "Feh, a penis is a penis is a penis".

My grampa was a great guy, and we did a lot of stuff together. We painted, went fishing, watched great movies (watching "Blazing Saddles" with him remains one of my all-time best memories), all sorts of grampa/grandson activities. However, not once did I see his balls. Never did he whip out the babymakers and say, "Take a look at these wrinkled sonsabitches. That's something else, huh?". I did see my granny's boobs once by mistake, and let me tell you, there is no amount of bleach available to get that image out of my mind.

Now, I'm not saying that you can't or shouldn't be a sexual being as you grow older. In fact, I'm hoping it's the exact opposite (If there is any positive to be taken from this whole thing is that us over-40 types still like naked fun time, even if no one else is there). Still, you can be sexual and not be a complete tool. For some reason, it still has not sunk into anyone's head: regardless if you are a teenager or someone a few months away from joining AARP, when you send naked pictures of yourself across the interwebs, they are going out EVERYWHERE. I'm not knocking the practice - if that's what gets you going, more power to you. But you can't then be surprised, shocked or embarassed when your crank gets the front page of the Star-Tribune.

Favre and the Vikings will be visiting his old stomping ground, Green Bay, this weekend. Hopefully, he'll spend more time Sunday throwing balls than photographing them.

Author tags:

humor

Your tags:

TIP:

Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:

Comments

Type your comment below:
You made me spray coffee on my monitor....again.

Being a son of the frozen tundra I sincerely hope old Brett catches one in the photo zone. Setting that aside, the rumor I hear is that Brett didn't have anything to brag about.
Oh, sure, Wonderhorse . . . make valid points while making me laugh hard enough to draw the stares of co-workers . . .
One would have thought he would have to get the Wrangler logo into the photos somehow.

The expiration date on his milk carton is long past due.
Mr. Wonderhorse,

Where do I send the bill for a new keyboard? You owe me one.

Grampa's balls. I swear. God I'm never going to get that image outta my head.
Next time I get a burrito, I'm going to look at the guys in line and think, "Good for you! You made the right choice."
sadly sheldon, i saw the pics and little Brett wasn't ..how do we say ...excited about having his picture taken..

rated for being funnier than my favre fodder
Grampa used to say, "don't get your balls in an uproar". I guess now he'd have to add "0r in sext message."
Great stuff wonderpony. Bea loved balls.
"Think about your grampa. Now, think about your grampa's balls."
I. Can't. Stop. Laughing. Eyes. Tearing. So. Funny.
Thanks.
Thought about grampa's balls.
Still dry heaving.
Thanks.
You are a celebrity and you take a naked photo of yourself. What are the odds of people finding out? 1 to 1. Du'h. BTW, my grandfather was in his 80s when I was a kid. All I can picture is two grapes and a baby carrot that has been in the fridge too long. It's still an ewww factor.
The Vikings are 2 and 3, so...looks like he doesn't really have the balls he used to.

Rated.
One of the funniest pieces I've read! My gut hurts from laughing!!!
I am unfamiliar with the rules of American football. Does it involve a large man wearing horns on his head and acting like a flaming ass? If so, then, bravo to this French-American hero. Bravo. HurumphHurumph! Amen.
You mean...my grandpa...had...oh, sweet Jesus, no! I thought he was some sort of...I mean, assumed he...sweet old eunuch. No? Aw, god...no sleeping for me tonight. Nice going Favre. I know that image will somehow find its way into my field of vision and I'll go blind. Feh!
Title - Bad visual.

Brett Favre - Could work...somehow missed the fun foto! Dang, I always miss all the fun.
I went to read your post and then saw this:

"Think about your grampa. Now, think about your grampa's balls."

About that time my brain shut down, and did the whole Poltergeist snowy-TV thing ...

I'm still sitting in the corner, rocking back and forth, and thinking, "Waterfalls. Waterfalls. Waterfalls."
simply sublime.....as per the usual!
There isn't one line in this that isn't brilliant and very funny. And so true! I just can't look at that guy the same anymore. Ugh.
Very funny.

Terry Wiezorek gets the used-to-be-Myriad award for best comment today. Of course, my current account may get deleted too, and my words of praise will vanish.

When you get disappeared, do your ratings vanish too?

Excuse me, I'm just in a grumpy mood - so much enjoyed this post.
Rated because, well, you earned it...but - ewwwwwwwwwww!
This is an awesome piece!!! Thanks so much. Brett is one of my son's fave players. If only he wasn't 8 yrs old I would share this one with him. Maybe I should archive it for when he's older? Oh wait, he's a boy and he just might idolize Brett a little bit more when he reads this.....rated!