Special Child Discovered to be "Exceedingly Unspecial"
(AP) Evanston, IL - An Evanston family was devastated to learn yesterday that their "special" child was actually, in fact, completely unspecial.
"We were shocked," said Margaret Thompson, 45. "We could have sworn little Preston was completely special. In fact, we've been telling him ever since he was born that he was special. Now I get the news that we've been lying to him the entire time. It has been a very difficult few days".
Preston Thompson III, 10, had been operating his entire life under the assumption that he was indeed special. He was brought to the attention of doctors at Rush Memorial Hospital in Chicago, who rushed him in for a battery of tests. The result was, to say the least, shocking.
"On the outside, all the signs pointed to him being special," said Dr. Marvin Cho, director of the Special Childrens Unit at Rush. "But once we put him through our tests, we discovered that not only was he not special, he was exceedingly unspecial. In fact, of all the children I have examined over my 35 years in the medical industry, I have never seen a child more unspecial than Preston Thompson III".
The rate of discovery of unspecial children has risen significantly during this past decade. Experts say Special Child Extremeritis (SCE) hit epidemic stages in the mid to late-90's when every child was treated as though they were special and completely unique.
"There was a real boom, with 1997 being the peak year, of children being told they were special," Dr. Cho explained. "It was during that time where we had a spike in children being given names like Tyler, Eryka, Dylan, and Madison. These kids were deliberatetly misled by their parents into thinking they were special. They were enrolled in ballet lessons and karate classes as young as 3 years old. This, of course, led to pee-wee soccer leagues, which is the real obvious symptom of SCE."
Discovering your child is not special is a tough bit of news for every parent. Preston Thompson II, 47, was so broken up by the report that he couldn't even speak to this reporter. However, Dr. Cho wants to make sure the public knows that having an unspecial child is certainly not the end of the world.
"Many non-special children, or unspecs as we call them, go on to lead completely normal, if not dull lives. You will find many unspecs thriving in middle-management positions, happy, content, and fully embracing their complete un-uniqueness".
For the Thompsons, each day is a struggle, but they know over time, acceptance will rule the day. "We know now that Preston is not special," Mrs. Thompson said. "Of course, it will take time, but we're getting there. I mean, when we first found out, my husband was so distraught he wanted to put Preston in a pillowcase, drive him out to the country and leave him on the side of the road. Luckily, I talked him out of it, and he is slowly coming around. He actually looked Preston in the eye the other day, and didn't break down crying. Small steps. Besides, we always have our daughter, MacKenzie".
However, difficult times still lay ahead for the Thompsons. In a follow-up report released this week, MacKenzie Thompson, 8, was described as "obscenely average and boring to be around".