Dear Current and/or Past Parents of Various Peoples,
First off, thank you for your well wishes regarding the news of the Wonderpony. It's hard to believe the wee lad will be here in just a couple of months. Mrs. Wonderhorse and I are very excited, and are looking at this as a whole new adventure. However, I would appreciate it, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, if you could do a couple of things for me.
1. Please stop reminding me that we are both over 40. Mrs. Wonderhorse realizes she's over 40. I realize I'm over 40. I realize that every day when looking in the mirror and the hair in my nose seems to get longer than the hair on my head. Don't worry - I plan on using my age to my advantage. No better way to get out of soccer practices than by whipping out the ol' fake broken hip or "my bursitis is acting up again" excuse. Rest assured, I plan on using both.
On the flip side, please stop trying to put a positive spin on my age by telling me that Charlie Chaplin was having kids when he was 70. Bully for him. However, just because a 70 year old man can have kids, doesn't mean he should. There's nothing more depressing than watching someone buy bibs in both "Newborn" and "King" sizes.
2. Please stop saying "Well, only 19 more and you can be a reality tv star". That's simply not going to happen. Seriously. Are you out of your fucking mind? I want a family, not a real estate office. Besides, that woman is not a star. She's simply a person whose utuerus resembles a Chilean mine. Frankly, the next time some kid from Oklahoma disappears, that's the first place I'd look.
3. Please stop saying "Just wait..." when I tell you I'm excited to meet the wee lad. Just because your kid turned out to be shitbag teenager, please don't assume mine will be too.
4. Please refrain from telling me "Say goodbye to a good night's sleep". I haven't had a good night's sleep since 1993, so stop. While we're at it, please stop reminding me of all the stuff I'm going to miss with the Wonderpony's arrival. I'm well aware that I'm not going to be leaving the house for awhile. I know that my Xbox time will be drastically reduced if not outright demolished. I know that our house will be consumed by Fisher Price and Star Wars toys. Frankly, I'm kind of looking forward to that.
5. Please stop acting like you have done something no one else has ever done. Seriously, you raised a child. Just like 7 BILLION other people. For the record, I never said this was going to be easy. Never has that thought crossed my mind. I know it's going to be hard. But really, the self-satisfied smugness is getting pretty old. You had your problems with your kid and survived. We will have our problems with ours, and am pretty sure we will as well. But, please stop acting like you have all the answers and we are clueless simpletons. You know, I have actually seen a baby, right? In fact, I've even held them before. I know - shocking.
Finally, I'd just like to thank you for your kind offers to use your old baby stuff. However, please stop thinking of us as a remote storage location for your crap. We have absolutely no problem whatsoever with used items - in fact, we encourage it. Still, half-broken swings and highchairs missing a leg, while a nice thought, really does none of us any good.
That's really about it. I'm sure I will be coming to you with questions from time to time: How do you change a diaper? How do you know when the kid has the croupe? When do babies start to get sarcasm?
You know...the usual.